Page 5 of Redeem

Feared that it wasn’t.

Something about this man made me want to reach out, know him, and I was again reminded of the danger.

I was so relieved when I turned into the hardware store parking lot that I let out an audible sigh. Today had been far too much excitement for me, and I didn’t want to deal with more.

I reached into my pocket, pulled off a couple of twenty-dollar bills, and waited for him to circle the vehicle.

“Thank you,” I said after I lowered the window a crack.

It was rude not to lower it the whole way, but I didn’t care. He probably thought I was afraid of him, that I thought the worst of him, but I couldn’t be concerned with that either, not when my hard-won and precious solitude was being threatened.

“You’re welcome,” he said.

Then he took one of the twenties from my outstretched hand, and I watched as he walked away, his strides long, even. For a moment, I felt a fleeting regret that he didn’t look back.

When I realized that, I cranked the vehicle and drove out of the parking lot.

Three

Ciprian

I was light-headed, dizzy with emotion as I walked away from Dana’s truck, using all the discipline I had not to look back at her.

I’d been frozen when I saw her again, and it was only seeing her struggle with the wood that had driven me to action. Silly because I should have been prepared for that, but as I had ridden in her truck, it had occurred to me that I hadn’t thought this far ahead. Had been so intent on finding her that I hadn’t thought of what I would do once I did.

My only thought had been to find her, apologize. Of course, that didn’t seem so practical now. What could I do? Walk up to her and say, “Hello. I’m sorry I killed your husband. Please forgive me.”?

No, that wasn’t an option. But where did that leave me?

I wasn’t sure.

I’d had an idea of Dana, a memory, but the reality of her was different, more complex than I’d contemplated. Because now I’d seen the stubbornness, the independence, the determination that had her attempting something so foolhardy as trying to load that truck by herself.

I’d also seen the sadness that she wore like a cloak, knew that I had put it there.

I frowned, my face twisted so tight my muscles hurt, that realization preoccupying me for the rest of the several-mile walk back to the hotel where I was staying. I was still brooding when I locked myself into the room for the night and showered.

I mechanically wiped away the day’s grime, but my mind was filled with thoughts of Dana. I thought of her often, but today was different.

In the year I had looked for her, and even during the time before when I had dreamed of her, my thoughts had been in the abstract. A person who I owed so much to, but who hadn’t been real to me.

But now she was.

I had heard her voice, had seen her walk, saw the way she looked at me through curious eyes, how desperately she tried to hide the fact that she’d done so.

And I’d touched her.

Not intentionally, but when I did, the reaction had been immediate, intense. Overwhelming. It had been years since I’d thought of any woman but her, but never had my thoughts been of the physical variety. Sex seemed so wrong in the face of what I had done to her and what I owed her.

But that touch had been enough to awaken other parts of me, ones that had no place here in what I was doing. Still, her reaction preoccupied me, as did the memory of the faint brush of my arm against her breast. Funny how something so small could be so explosive. How even now, the memory of that touch had my cock hardening, my palms tingling with the need to touch her.

I ignored the reaction and stepped out of the shower. I guessed this was a natural reaction. In many ways, Dana was my only companion. Thoughts of her filled almost all of my waking thoughts. So it shouldn’t be a surprise that I’d react to her physically. It was a surprise though, and was something else I had failed to account for. I had sought her out for a year, had been solely focused on finding her and making amends. There was no place for anything else.

Except, when I thought of Dana, remembered her sad eyes, I never considered that they could be anything else, that they could go cold with confusion and suspicion, go warm with desire when I touched her. I hadn’t considered how I would respond to her physically, how easy it was to imagine kissing her dark skin, exploring her soft-looking curves…

In my mind, I replayed every word, every expression that had crossed her face. Imagined others, dreamed of how it would feel to kiss her, hold her in my arms.

That kind of thinking was so fucked up, proved that I was still the person I fought so hard not to be. I had a purpose, and it was cruel to want her, knowing what I had done. Foolish because when she found out who I was, what I had done, she would hate me.

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