Page 69 of Fight

Twenty-One

P

What the fuck are you doing, Patricia?

I kept walking, trying hard to ignore my own voice, the one that told me to turn around, go back.

But I kept walking.

So what that I was being stupid? I couldn’t go back there, not after what I’d said and what he hadn’t said. Remembering his silence sent my heart slamming against my chest. I hadn’t expected anything different, hadn’t thought that Ioan could have feelings for me, could love me.

Or I’d tried to keep myself from thinking that. Had done a pretty good job of making myself believe I did. But with each nanosecond that passed without him saying anything, a tiny piece of my heart had broken away until the entire thing was a heap of rubble.

I walked even faster now, maybe hoping I could outrun the heartbreak. I couldn’t, though. Knew that I could go to the end of the world and it wouldn’t change anything. But I couldn’t stay there either.

If I’d stayed, I would have had to face him again, know with even more finality that there was nothing. And I would have broken down.

I wouldn’t allow that. I loved Ioan. I knew that without a single doubt. But I’d never let him see me broken.

So, absent anything else to do, I ran toward the only thing that had been constant in my life. I ran toward her. My mother had caused so much pain in my life, had indirectly come close to ending it, but I knew she loved me.

No matter what, she loved me.

The apartment building seemed even sadder than usual, the despair and desperation a shroud that shadowed the entire thing. It was probably my imagination, but it seemed sadder, more horrible, which was something I hadn’t thought possible.

How could I have let her live here for so long, paid for it too?

I should have fought harder for her, made her fight harder for herself.

I would start today I decided as I stepped around some puddle of human filth that I didn’t dare examine too closely.

Ioan had once told me to cut bait, said that she was beyond help, but he didn’t know her. I’d never give up on my mother.

“Ma! Open the door!” I yelled as I banged on the portal.

I sounded impatient, but that was habit. She could get lost in her…distractions, so I’d gotten used to her taking her time opening the door. I could see it now, how she’d open it, confused at first but then the recognition coming into her eyes.

She’d usher me in, ask why I was there, and then hit me up for money. But today would be different because I wouldn’t leave her here. We would go…somewhere. Then I’d find her another rehab and we’d both work on rebuilding our lives.

That would cut into the few dollars I’d managed to save—money that had come from Ioan—but I was going to do this right this time.

“Ma!” I said, banging again.

I let my gaze drift down to the doorknob, a sudden sickening feeling falling over me. Somehow between there and here, I’d lost some of my urgency, had somehow let myself forget about the real, very dangerous threats here.

They came back full force as I looked at the knob and listened to the voice that told me to turn it. When the door fell open, I knew I would soon confront the worst.

Never, not ever, even in the deepest depths of a high, when she was so far gone she wasn’t really on the planet, had she ever left her door unlocked. The paranoia that made her fear that someone would steal whatever drugs she managed to acquire and not use instantly made it impossible for her to be less than completely secure in her place, though I liked to think she actually cared about her safety too.

“Ma?” I called.

Silence was my answer.

I stared into the dark maw beyond the open door, but I didn’t cross the threshold. I didn’t want to see whatever was in there, but I still had to know.

“Ma?” I called again as I stepped inside, my legs shaky, my eyes rejecting what they saw.

Her legs were splayed haphazardly, as were her arms.

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