Page 24 of Myself

My hand freezes as I look up at him. He opens his eyes and looks down at me. “Jaycent. I ...” I try to think of the right words to say. He’s missed me? Why did I leave him? Does he really not know why it wouldn’t have worked? What he would have been giving up?

Those words remind me why I left in the first place. Why I told him to leave. I’ve missed him too but what has changed? Four years have gone by, and I never spoke to him. Do you understand how hard that was? He was the one who broke my heart, but I couldn’t ever tell him that. I didn’t want to take away from his future.

He pulls back and frowns. “What?”

I lick my lips nervously. He’s right here in front of me, wanting me, and all I can think of his four years and how we went about it in the wrong way. How do we know this time will be any different? “Can we talk for a second?”

He pulls away from me and sits on the edge of the bed. I pick my dress up and place it on my lap. “You wanna take it slow,” he states. “I understand.” He grabs my hand from my lap and lifts it before gently kissing my knuckles. My heart melts. It’s close to what I feel, but I need to explain it to him. He deserves honesty. And I’m an honest person.

“No,” I say, shaking my head and clearing my throat. “I know we’ve had sex before ...” I pause, and he frowns for good reason. I’m completely going against what I told him last night in my bedroom when I was ready to do him right then and there. “But I’m not like Ashlyn,” I say, and he frowns. I take a deep breath. “I can’t just have casual sex.” My voice trembles. “I’m sorry for wasting your time.” He can’t want more than just sex with me. I don’t even know where he’s at in his life right now. Is he seeing someone? Are he and Jasmine still together?

I go to stand, but he grabs my hand and yanks me down on the bed. My back hits the soft comforter, and he leans over me. His right hand comes up and pushes strands of hair from my face. My hands clenching my dress. “You think that is what this is?” he asks. “A hit it and quit it thing?”

“I don’t know what it is,” I say honestly. I love Ashlyn to death. She is a wonderful person although she would never admit that. She thinks she’s tough and she is, but she is also a softie. But she has this sexuality that men fall in love with. She holds her shoulders back and her head high. Men look at her, and they fall at her feet. Take her friend Bradley, for instance. He’s in love with her. I know it, he knows it, but she doesn’t see it. She believes in casual sex, but I don’t. I’ve only ever been with two men, and one of them is in this room with me. And I loved him before he ever got in my pants.

“Becca,” he says my name softly as the pads of his fingers run along my jawline. His eyes on mine. “Ever since that night I kissed you at your party ... then the night we shared in my car ...” He sighs heavily. “You’re all I can think about.”

My eyes widen. “You never tried to contact me.”

“What was I supposed to say? You left for Seattle and never looked back.”

“That’s not true,” I whisper. I thought of you all the time.

“Then tell me what is true,” he says softly.

I let out a long breath as I look up at him. “The truth?” He nods. “The truth is I already had to leave you once. I don’t want to have to do that again.”

“Then don’t,” he says simply.

“It’s not that simple.” You have a past ...

“Yes, it is.” He grabs my hand and pulls me to a sitting position. “We finally have the opportunity to be together—really together—and you wanna fight that?”

I lick my lips and ask what I’ve been wondering since I saw him in Panama. “So you’re saying you’re not with Jasmine?”

“No,” he says, making a face of disgust. “I told you last night I’m not seeing anyone. Did you think I was lying?”

It’s not that I thought he would cheat on her with me. I just know that their situation can be hard. “No. I just ...”

“I swear. I’ve gone on some dates, but nothing serious.” I swallow and nod my head once at the seriousness in his tone. “So stop analyzing this.”

“I’m thinking realistically,” I say. “I’m glad there’s no one else, but Ryder would not allow it.”

He runs a hand through his hair. “Ryder is my best friend, but if I had to choose between the two of you, I’d pick you. Every time.”

“See,” I say. “You shouldn’t have to pick sides.”

“That’s what love is, Becca. True love has sides. True love has consequences. And true love is worth every bit of the fight.”

“Are you saying what we have is true love?” I ask barely above a whisper then hold my breath as I wait for his response.

“We owe it to ourselves to find out. Four years and you’re still the only one I want. And I don’t mean just sexually,” he admits. I smile and bite my bottom lip. “And as for sex, we’ll wait.” My eyes widen at his statement. “This isn’t about sex for me. Do I want it, yes? But do I want to give you more than that? Yes.”

“I want that too.”

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JAYCENT

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