Page 46 of Myself

“I wanna try something new,” Conner says as he hovers over me in our bed. His dark brown eyes shine with mischief, a smirk on his face.

“Okay,” I say slowly, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and digging my heels into his ass. Why did he stop? I was so close.

As if he can read my mind, Conner moves his hips again as his lips come down on mine. He kisses me soft at first with just our lips then his tongue enters my mouth. I moan as his pace picks up. He opens his mouth wider and kisses me deeper. Sloppier. I try to press my head into my pillow to get away from his lips to get some air, but he doesn’t let up. He shifts on top of me, and it allows me to tilt my head to the side. I suck in one long ragged breath and then his hand wraps around my neck, cutting my air off.

My hands instantly go to his wrist, and I try to push it away, but he grips me tighter. His hips, more aggressive. I try to breathe, try to move out from underneath him, but his body has me pinned.

He arches his back and closes his eyes, and I let go of his wrist and start to pound on his chest. Trying to reach his throat or face to push him away. But it does no good. He’s got a hold of me.

Panic bubbles up in my chest as my body bucks, trying to free myself. The pressure on my neck from his hand makes it feel like it may explode. I have a pounding in my ears. I try to tell him to stop, but nothing comes out but noises that even I can’t understand. I try to kick at the bed, anything to get free. My vision fades in and out as my chest feels heavier.

Tears sting my eyes as his hips rock back and forth, harder and harder. I start to hit his side since it’s the only thing I can reach, but he ignores me.

Just as my hands fall to my side, he thrusts one last time and cries out as he comes inside me. Then he releases me. I shove him off me as I suck in a burning breath. He falls to his side on the bed, and I sit up, choking and heaving.

“God, babe, that was amazing,” he says, and then I feel his hand on my back.

Tears run down my face, and I shove him away. I practically fall off the bed and run toward the bathroom. I close the door and fall to my knees. Hunching over, I hold my tender neck as I cry my eyes out. Wishing that Ashlyn was here tonight instead of out with Bradley.

A knock comes on the door. “Babe?”

“Leave me alone,” I say, but it comes out hoarse.

“Don’t be that way, babe. You said I could try something.”

I swallow and flinch from the burn. “I didn’t tell you to choke me.” He laughs, and my hands shake as the tears continue to fall. “You could have killed me.” My voice shakes with fear.

“I knew what I was doing.”

“Becca!” Jaycent yells my name as he leans down, his face inches from mine. I’m able to suck in a deep breath, and my lungs burn.

That was a week before we took our Panama trip. It was also the last time I slept with him.

“I’m sorry,” I cry out.

“It’s okay,” Jaycent says as his soft brown eyes look at me with worry.

He removes his hands from my shoulders and wipes my cheeks with his thumbs. I’m crying? Just great. “I’m falling apart,” I say sadly.

“I think you’ve never looked more beautiful,” he says, giving me a reassuring smile.

I laugh because he makes no sense. He steps to me and wraps his arms around my upper chest. He kisses my hair, and I take a deep breath. “I just want him to go away and for us to move on.”

He pulls away and smiles down at me. “What do we move on to?” he asks, pushing my hair behind my ear.

I grip his shoulders and say something I’ve wanted to say for a long time. I wanna be more like Ashlyn. I wanna smile. I wanna be stronger. I want to know what it feels like to make my own decision and not be ordered.

“You asked me earlier if I still felt that way about you. And I do. I love you, Jaycent,” I say softly.

He smiles down at me as his hand cups my face. “I love you too, Becca.” He leans down and kisses my lips gently. When he pulls away, he presses his forehead to mine. “And no matter what happened today or over the past four years, from now on, it’s me and you.” I pull away and look up at him. “Me and you,” he assures me. And for once, I believe it’s possible. “I love you, Becca.”

“I’m sorry we had to cut dinner short,” I tell him.

He chuckles. “No worries, baby. We can go back whenever you want.”

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JAYCENT

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