Page 32 of Myself

The car pulls up to the curb and comes to a stop. I sigh when I look out the window at the big glass windows and copper plate siding.

“Thank you,” I say when he opens the door for me.

“Have a great lunch, Ms. O’Kane,” he says with too much excitement. I jump out, opening the umbrella once again and shielding my body with it as I hurry to the door.

This place is the kind of place I always try to avoid. But it’s my mother’s favorite restaurant when she’s in the mood for fish. She also knows I hate fish. My black high heels clap against the concrete as I make my way to the front revolving glass door of Le Bernardin. The door and the glass are trimmed in gold, which is fitting, considering it’s one of the top five expensive restaurants to eat at in Manhattan.

“Hello, Miss, do you have a reservation?” the woman asks as she smiles at me. Her teeth are impeccably white, her blond hair in a perfect low ponytail, and her makeup looks airbrushed on, showing off her perfect cheekbones and full lips. She’s probably a model for Vogue on the side.

“O’Kane,” I say, and her smile grows bigger than I thought was possible.

“This way, Ms. O’Kane.”

I follow her, looking around the restaurant I haven’t stepped foot in for years. Nothing has changed. Silver tablecloths still blanket the round tables. Gold trims the plates on the table, and a white napkin sits in the middle. Wine and water glasses finish the setup.

She doesn’t have to lead me far. My mother likes to sit in front by the door, no matter where she goes. She wants people who are entering and leaving to see her. I never really thought about it before, but now, I’m seeing her as an attention whore.

I come up to the table, and she pretends not to see me. “Hello, Mother,” I say, sitting down in the chair that the hostess pulled out for me.

She looks up at me from her phone and smiles. “Rebecca,” she says excitedly. “Glad you could join us.”

“Us?” I question. That’s what she has to say to me? No hug? No kiss? No hello, daughter, I’m glad I finally get to see you. Just glad you could join us.

“Yes,” she says, before lifting her wine glass. “Me and Debra.”

I blow a few loose brown strands of hair from my face. Just great! My mother’s best friend. Also the mother to the girl she’s been trying to get Ryder to marry for years now. This should be awesome. “Not like I had a choice,” I mumble.

“I thought it would be nice for us to get together,” she says, not hearing me. “You know? Girl time,” she says excitedly, and I refrain from rolling my eyes. My mother believes in girl time with her friends but never has there been a girl time when I was invited. She brought me here for a reason, and I’m not as stupid as she thinks I am.

“Where is she?” I ask, looking over at the empty seats.

“She had to use the ladies’ room.”

I nod and take a deep breath. I don’t know why, but my mother makes me nervous. She always has. I feel like at any moment she could take the most important thing away from me. Or maybe it’s just the fact I will never live up to what she wants me to be. I quit gymnastics when I was seventeen, ballet when I was eighteen, and I’ll never live them down. Thankfully, I didn’t have to quit the piano. My instructor quit ‘cause she finally realized I was a lost cause, and the money just wasn’t worth it to listen to me. She actually made me quit tennis when I was twelve due to scheduling conflicts with the etiquette class.

My phone dings, and I grab it out of my purse.

Jaycent: Was thinking of you. Hope lunch goes well. Call me when you leave, baby.

I smile at his message.

“Is that Conner?” my mother asks. “Tell him I said hello,” she says, trying to look over my shoulder at my phone.

I drop it in my lap, and my smile disappears as I look up at her. “No,” I say. “It was Jaycent.” Just saying his name gives me power. Conner always made me feel small. Jaycent makes me think I can rule the world.

Her lips pull back in disgust. “Put your phone away at the table, Rebecca,” she orders, displeased it was Jaycent. I don’t know why she doesn’t like him. She used to, and then my senior year things just ... changed, and she no longer cared for him. By then, he wasn’t around all that much, so she never had to see him. Ryder had already grown and was working for my dad. Not like Jaycent was around the house much.

I do as she says but only because I see her friend returning from the bathroom, and I don’t wanna listen to them scold me like I’m five. One is enough.

She sits down and looks at my mother. Her jet black hair teased to perfection and curled into the side of her face. It sits on her shoulders. “Vicki called me while I was in the restroom and is on her way up here to join us.”

This is just getting better and better. All Vicki is gonna want to talk about is Ryder, and how much she loves him. Our moms have been trying to marry them off for years. And although I know Ryder has slept with her in the past, he never wanted anything more from her. Vicki, however, loves him.

They strike up a conversation, and I sit back, thinking about him and Ashlyn. How great they are together. I would have never put them together, but I see it now. It’s perfect. She’s the opposite of him, and it just works. I wonder where they went for lunch on their date today. If I know Ryder, he took her somewhere expensive like this place. I laugh to myself because Ashlyn would hate it. Give her a slice of pizza and a beer, and she’s happy. He doesn’t need to wine and dine her.

“So how are things going?” my mother asks me, pulling me out of my thoughts.

“Good,” I say, not wanting her to know just how great things are right now for me. She has a way of ruining everything.

---