Page 20 of Myself

He takes a step toward me. “Was it wrong of me to come and see you?”

To see me? He wanted to see me? My breathing picks up as he looks down at me. His light brown eyes search mine before they drop and trace my lips. “No,” I whisper, feeling my body break out in goose bumps.

I haven’t spoken to him since Panama. Not one text or call. I didn’t know what to say to him. I cried like a little bitch for Conner, and part of me was embarrassed by how I reacted. But I have thought about Jaycent nonstop. I’ve been wondering when I was going to see him next. And now, here he is. Looking at me like he feels the same way.

He looks away from me and at Ryder and Ashlyn behind me. I can hear them talking over the others around us, so I know they’re not paying attention to us. I wish he’d kiss me like my brother did her. Pick me up in his arms and take my breath away.

“How are you doing?” he asks softly.

I look at the ground, once again embarrassed. “Good,” I answer as I look back up and around the packed JFK. Afraid to meet his eyes.

“Good,” he replies, and my eyes find his again.

We stand there for an awkward second, and I hold my breath. Finally, his eyes drop to my luggage down by my feet, and without a word, he leans down and picks them up. I let out a long breath and watch him walk out of the airport with my bags in tow.

Jaycent and I sit in the front row silently while Ashlyn and my brother sit behind us. The guys make small talk as Ashlyn tunes them out, and I sit back and wonder about me and Jaycent. Does he miss me? Is he excited that I’m back? Him coming to the airport has to mean something, right? Something seems off, though. He seemed distant in a way. Like maybe he had started second-guessing his decision to come to the airport. In Panama, he looked genuinely excited to see me. He had hugged me, and now, it’s like he’s afraid of me.

We make our way to the place I’m going to call home for who knows how long. I’ve been here before. Ryder lives here. My father has owned the building for quite some time.

I hate it. It reminds me of a prison. I know; I’ve never been in prison, and everyone in Manhattan would kill to live here at the Q’s, but not me. I want a house I can drive up to. I want a yard where my kids can someday play. I want a dog and trees and a garden where I can spend my weekends. I don’t want to be high up in a metal box. But my father bought it for me, so I had no choice.

We make our way into the apartment, and I turn to see a look of pure terror on Ashlyn’s face. “Something wrong?” I ask her.

“Yes.” She nods slowly, and I know what it is. I lied to her. I didn’t tell her where we’d be living or ever show her pics. She figured it would be nice, but this? She would have never imagined this. I should be sorry, but I’m not. I need her now more than ever. And if I had told her the truth, then she would have run.

“Which room is yours?” Jaycent asks, adjusting my LV bag over his shoulder.

“Down the hallway to the right.”

He heads toward the hallway, and I follow him, leaving Ryder and Ashlyn talking in the entryway. We enter my room, and I close the door behind me, pressing my back against it.

Letting my eyes fall shut, I let out a long breath. When I open them, Jaycent is standing in front of me, looking down at me. His light brown eyes searching my face. “Are you mad at me?” I ask softly.

His brows pull together. “Why would you ask that?”

I lick my lips nervously. “You’re being ... not like you were in Panama.”

He reaches out, placing his hand on my face, and my heart picks up. He takes a step closer, pushing his body into mine. His hard chest presses against mine, and his legs pin mine to the door. All the breath in my lungs leaves in a rush. “How did I act in Panama?” he asks.

“Like ... you were happy to see me,” I answer breathlessly.

He smiles down at me. The smile I remember seeing so many times before. It was the thing I liked about him the most. He had this smile that would make me wet and my skin tingle. “I was happy to see you.”

“But you’re not now?” I ask, trying to ignore the feeling in my stomach. The one that he was always able to stir with just a look.

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JAYCENT

A week she has been on my mind. A week I have had to wonder what ended up happening between her and Conner. I would ask Ryder a question here and there, but I had to make sure I didn’t come off too nosy.

I knew he had moved out by the time she got back to Seattle, and I was thankful he took my warning seriously. I’d hate to have to chase his ass down.

“I am,” I tell her as I look into her green eyes. I hate how much she has been lied to. How much she has been taken advantage of. If she knew, it would crush her. Becca is a good-hearted person and cares for others. She doesn’t understand why others don’t feel the same as she does.

“You don’t look like it,” she argues.

I smile. “Will this help?” I lean down and press my lips to hers, needing them on mine. But unlike four years ago, she doesn’t kiss me back.

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