Page 2 of Myself

While I sat in my bathtub crying, I realized what I felt for him was love. It hurt so much. A physical pain that even though I couldn’t see, I thought it was going to make my heart explode. I also realized my age was gonna keep me from him. He didn’t feel the same for me. He wanted Jasmine, and I was just a little girl who couldn’t give him what he wanted, whatever that was. So I had to let go of that dream ever coming true.

If only someone would have told me things would change when I turned eighteen, then maybe I would have realized that the true heartache was yet to come...

CHAPTER ONE

BECCA

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Have you ever felt lost? Like a decision you once thought was right somehow turned seriously wrong? Twenty-two years of my life and somehow, I still don’t understand how I ended up here—trapped and alone. Unable to breathe due to the fog being so thick. Unable to see a way out due to the darkness. How did I allow this to happen? How did I not see the signs before? Maybe I saw them but just chose to ignore them. Either way, I’ve buried myself.

I want to change; take my life and do what I want. But I also feel like I’m in too deep. It’s one of those you made your bed so you gotta lie in it type of situations. I’d have to set fire to this bed in order to get that chance, and I’ve never been one to play with matches.

Placing my forearms on the iron railing, I look over the rolling blue waves and sandy beach from my Panama hotel room. How peaceful it looks this morning. I remember my conversation with my best friend, Ashlyn, from yesterday while we sat down in the sand after we had arrived.

“I wanna move here!” I sigh as I look at the waves rolling in just feet from us. I want to experience this feeling every day—calmness.

“Let’s do it!” Ashlyn says without question.

I look over at her as the wind blows my hair in my face. I wish I could be more like her; free. But some of us aren’t allowed to make our own decisions. Some are meant to follow the rules. I envy that about her. “You make it sound so easy,” I say and turn back to watch the ocean. The sun is starting to set on the horizon, and it makes the ocean look even more inviting. “You know our lives will never bring us to Florida. Not permanently anyway.”

And that’s the truth. My life was mapped out before I was born. My mother wants what is best for me, or so she says. I may be twenty-two years old, but to her, I’m still twelve. And even now, she tries to control everything. I have big dreams, and she wants me to get married and have babies. Why work hard for something that a man can give you? She was talking about money. But I already have money, so I don’t need a man for that, but that doesn’t mean I want to be alone. Even though I’m in a relationship, I feel alone most of the time. He’s not there for me, not really. I’m with him out of guilt. I made a mistake, and now, I’m trying to make up for it.

“Just fucking great.”

I turn around to see Conner, the man himself, walk out of the sliding glass door onto the balcony. His dark hair is still wet from his shower, and a towel rides low on his hips. I look away from him; I’m unable to look him in the eyes without wanting to throw him off this balcony. The pain in my chest from last night still too fresh.

I’m dancing on the dance floor at the coolest club I have ever been to in Panama. Minutes ago, foam fell from pipes in the ceiling, and I felt like I was in the middle of a giant washing machine. Ever stand back and watch all the foam stick to the inside of the door while washing your clothes? That’s how it looked, but only you could feel it. It was cool and light. But now, my clothes are soaked.

I stop dancing and walk off the floor to go to the bar in search of Conner. He had left me what felt like thirty minutes ago to get another round of drinks. I place my forearms on the cool bar and push my finger through some of the foam that still covers it. The multicolor lights bounce off the countertop and the people around me.

Looking around, I don’t see him and decide to go to the restroom. I walk toward the hallway and come to a stop in front of the women’s when I see the men’s open, and Conner walks out. “There you are,” I say with a smile. “Thought you were getting us drinks?” I ask.

He nods as he zips up his pants. “Had to take care of something first.”

I go to open my mouth when the men’s door opens once again, and a woman walks out. I frown; was she just in the men’s bathroom? I catch her eyes as she continues to walk by us, and she winks at me. My heart picks up, and I turn to face him. “What were you doing, Conner?” I demand.

“What?” he asks, but I don’t miss that his dark eyes are on her ass as she walks off.

“What the hell were you doing in there?” I growl, slapping his shoulder.

“I had to go pee. What else would I be doing in the men’s bathroom?” His eyes finally land on mine, and they’re narrowed.

I grind my teeth, knowing that he’s lying. Ever have a gut feeling that no matter how hard you try to deny it, you just can’t. It’s screaming at me. “You’re lying,” I say.

“Excuse me?” he snaps over the music coming from the DJ on the other side of the club.

“Why was that woman in there with you?” I cross my arms over my chest.

“What woman?” he asks as if I’m blind.

I roll my eyes. “Don’t play dumb, Conner. I saw her walk out after you.” I’m all but shouting.

“And?”

I gasp at his audacity. I can take a lot, but making me feel like an idiot is not one of them. “And I know she was in there with you! So what the hell were you doing?

He leans down, getting inches from my face. “Quit making stuff up.” His breath hits my face, and he smells like tequila. I hate when he drinks tequila because it makes him want to fight—usually with some unlucky bastard who looks my way—but he very rarely wins. Guess tonight he is choosing to fight with me.

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