Page 16 of Myself

He turns to face me; his dark brown eyes narrowed like usual. “You honestly think I’m gonna sit up there while you eye fuck Jaycent?”

I grind my teeth. “I didn’t even look at him.” I defend myself. He’s doing this on purpose. He wants to start a fight. He does it every time he wants to be alone. He pushes me away, and I’m always the first to apologize. But not this time.

The elevator comes to a stop on our floor, and he storms out. I follow him just as angrily. He opens the hotel door and heads straight to our bedroom. “What are you doing?” I ask from the doorway as I watch him grab his bag.

“I’m leaving,” he responds flatly.

I stand there confused for a second. “Where are you going?”

“My dad bought me a plane ticket back. I’m leaving.”

I take a step toward him as a moment of panic consumes me. I know our relationship isn’t healthy, and I know I love him more than he loves me, but that doesn’t mean I want to let him go. That I’m willing to admit seven years of our lives together meant nothing. “Wait,” I say, walking over to him. “You left the guys’ hotel room almost thirty minutes ago, and you’ve known this entire time that you were leaving?”

“Yep,” he says, walking into the bathroom and grabbing his stuff off the counter and in the shower.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask, trying to understand why he’s leaving. I haven’t done anything wrong.

He stops, placing his bag down, and looks up at me. “Like I said, I was seeing how long it would take you to notice I was even gone.”

“That’s not fair,” I whisper. “I’ve apologized—”

He snorts, interrupting me. “You don’t mean it.”

I swallow the lump in my throat. I don’t know why I let him make me feel this way. “We can talk about this. Don’t leave.”

“I’m done,” he states and then zips up his bag.

“Conner.” I say his name desperately as I walk up to him and place my hand on his arm. He shrugs me off.

He throws his bag over his shoulder and walks out of the room. I run after him and jump between him and the front door. “Please,” I beg, and I hate that he smiles. I hate that he likes it when I’m like this. “Let’s just discuss it.”

He drops his bag to the floor and steps up to me. He places his hands flat on the door by my head. “You wanna talk, so let’s talk,” he says with a devious look in his eyes. “Let’s talk about how little I respect you.” I suck in a deep breath at his words. “You wanna know why I didn’t take up for you downstairs? Because you never take up for me.”

“That’s not true ...”

“You let your whore ass friend treat me like shit. You let her talk to me however she wants.” Tears build up in my eyes. “When we were still in high school, you let your brother treat me like a fool. And then Jaycent.” He laughs at his name. “That cocksucker thinks he fucking owns you.” His voice rises, and he slams his hand on the door, making it rattle against my body. “You were supposed to be mine, goddammit,” he snaps. “I had to wait six fucking months to get into your pants, and you gave it up to him in one night.”

My watery eyes narrow on him. “You left me there,” I say through gritted teeth. “You started a fight and left me there with no ride. Like you always do. Just like you’re leaving me now. What was I supposed to do?”

“Not fuck your brother’s best friend,” he shouts.

“How many women have you slept with since we got together?” I ask angrily.

A smirk grows across his face. “More than I can count, darling.”

Anger like I’ve never felt wells up inside me. Along with shame. How twisted I must be to love a man who cares so little for me. I reach up and slap him across the face.

His face snaps to the left, and he actually chuckles. When he looks back down at me, he doesn’t look mad. His eyes look me up and down, and he smiles. I press myself closer to the door. Afraid of this look. I know the pissed-off Conner, but this Conner looks amused.

“I’ve already wasted seven years of my life on you. Becca.” He leans in closer, and I suck in a breath. “You’re not worth wasting one more second.” He removes his hands from the door and grabs my uppers arms. He shoves me away and then walks out. Leaving me more hurt than I should be.

I make my way back up to Ryder and Jaycent’s room, and I can’t stop the tears from falling. I shouldn’t feel this way. He left, and I should feel free, but it’s the words he said to me. How he looked at me. I may know he’s a douche, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love him. You don’t spend that much time with someone and not feel something. Guess that was the case for him. Now, I have to face my friends and brother. They’re gonna know that I let him down once again. I hate feeling this way—helpless. I’ve felt it all my life, and this feeling eats me alive more than anything else. I can handle mistakes; we’ve all made them.

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JAYCENT

I stand behind the kitchen counter as I watch Becca cry her eyes out. She came storming into our hotel room bawling. Ashlyn asked what Ryder had to drink, and they haven’t stopped since. That was about thirty minutes ago. She sobs as Ashlyn holds her in her arms, and it makes me jealous. I wanna be the one to hold her. I wanna be the one to tell her that she doesn’t need that piece of shit. But I can’t. Not like this. Not ever. She didn’t want me then, and she doesn’t want me now.

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