Page 14 of Myself

“Becca?” I hear his voice call out from downstairs. “Becca, where are you?” His voice sounds closer as I hear him climbing the stairs.

I take a deep breath, and he opens my bedroom door without even knocking. “Becca ...?”

He enters, and I sniff as I look down at my phone. “Becca, what’s wrong?” he asks, kneeling in front of me. I open my eyes to look at him “Is everything okay?” I had texted him, asking to come over when he had a free minute. That was twenty minutes ago.

I sniff. “We need to talk, Jaycent.”

His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows, but he nods. “We do need to talk, Becca.”

“Last night was a mistake,” I blurt out before I can stop myself. Trying to convince myself we have something. That he could actually feel something for me.

His hands fall from mine. “What?” he asks as his dark brows pull together. “How can you say that, Becca?”

He stands, and I look up at him. Why does he look hurt? Like he cared that I called what we did a mistake? Tears start to build in my eyes. “I’m with Conner,” I whisper.

“You cheated on Conner. With me.”

I flinch at his words. “I know.” I sniff and hang my head. “It was a mistake. I should have never done that to you.”

“To me? Becca, it took both of us,” he says through gritted teeth.

I nod quickly. “I know.” Looking back up at him, I feel the tears start to fall from my eyes. “I’m sorry. I pushed you.”

“No.” He growls. “Don’t do this.” He grabs my hand and yanks me to my feet. His eyes narrow on me. “You didn’t push me, Becca. We both wanted it. Now what? You’re ashamed that you cheated on that piece of shit you call your boyfriend?” he demands. My eyes fill with fresh tears, and I lick my lips.

“What did you expect to happen?” I ask softly.

He releases my hand and takes a step back. Running a hand through his hair, he lets out a long breath. He looks unsure of how to answer that question. Because I’m not sure I even have an answer. What did I think was gonna happen? We’d what, go to my family, and tell them we’re in love? Sleeping together? See where this is gonna go?

“I’m not sure what was gonna happen, but I know it wasn’t a mistake. You can lie to yourself all you want, but to me, it meant something, and I think that scares you.”

I wrap my arms around myself at his words. “I have to leave,” I whisper. He shouldn’t get to say those things to me. I have plans. Plans I can’t change because of what we did.

“I could go with you,” he offers, and my chest tightens. Could he really want to be with me that badly? No. Even if it was true, I wouldn’t take him away from what he has here.

“I need this,” I decide to say. He thinks I mean college, but I mean him. I always have.

“And I need you,” he says, reaching up and wiping the tears from my cheeks.

Why is he doing this to me? Making it harder than it already is? “There’s no future for us,” I say as my throat closes up at the truth of my words. My mother wouldn’t allow it. Hell, my father probably wouldn’t allow it either. And Ryder... oh God, this would destroy their relationship. I can’t allow him to throw his friendship with my brother away for something that has no future. I won’t be that selfish.

“How can you say that?” he asks breathlessly.

“Because no one would allow it,” I say honestly.

“You think I give two shits about your family?” he snaps. “What they think?” He shakes his head. “You’re all that matters.”

I just wish he would stop. “I’m sorry,” I cry out. “But I have to do this. On my own.”

“You mean with Conner,” he snaps.

“He didn’t deserve to be cheated on,” I argue. That’s not who I am.

He reaches up and cups my wet cheek, and I hate that I lean into him. “But it’s okay for him to cheat on you?”

I flinch and pull away from him; his arm falls to his side. “Just because he does it doesn’t make what I did right.” He doesn’t understand. No one does. I want out of this town. I want away from my mother. She controls every little thing I do. And the only reason she’s letting me go to Seattle is Conner. She loves him. She trusts him. If I stay here and tell them I’m with Jaycent, they will forbid it then make my life a living hell, and I’ll be trapped here. I don’t want to suffocate. Putting up with Conner is a small price to pay for my freedom.

He continues to argue with me. “It wasn’t a mistake.” He steps up to me and tilts my head back so I have to look up at him. “I’m sorry you feel that way,” he says as his eyes search mine. “I’ll miss you,” he says, lowering his face down to mine.

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