Page 41 of Phoenix Fire

“Then I'll be there between 4:30 and 5:00. Bless her heart. We cannot let her suffer alone.”

After disconnecting Jenny tried very hard to focus her attention on a project that was scheduled soon for completion. Her boss was more than fair in his demands on her time, but she was aware he could not remain so charitable for too long.

Jenny did manage to complete her work on the project by 4:15 PM. She had left for approval all of the relevant material with her manager's secretary.

She was out of the building by 4:30.

*****

Grandma Myrena looked so shrunken, so weak and pale. It shocked Jenny to see that Myrena seemed to have aged considerably since she had first met her, even since their last visit. Jenny would have thought that impossible because Myrena had looked so bad the last time they were together. The skin on Myrena's face and arms had lost color and it sagged loosely over sharply defined forearm bones, more so than Jenny remembered. She moved slower, too, as though she distrusted her mobility. With each small step she took, a corresponding wince and twitch came to her eyes. It took all of Jenny's concentration not to show her sadness.

When they were seated in the sun room, Myrena was eager to talk. When she did speak her words came in a slow measured monotone with a barely audible slurring.

“The new medication that Nelson gave me helps to relieve the pain but it makes me feel so sluggish, so out of sync with my body functions. If my words sound funny to you, my dear, please be patient with me.” Her sad smile and eyes appeared so vague, vacant, and remote.

“Oh, Grandma Myrena, don't worry. You're just fine. I'm happy the new medication is helping to ease the pain.”

“It's difficult for an old lady to lose control of mind and body, particularly when her life has been spent in such an orderly and active structure. Well, maybe not just for old ladies, but, surely, for anyone with this kind of ugly affliction.” Myrena gave a faint chuckle and weakly waved a hand as if to disdain her words. She seemed to be carefully assembling her thoughts.

After a few seconds she went on. “There is something I need to tell you, Jenny, something you should know. It's something which you may have to deal with.

“Some years ago, for a brief but agonizing period during his late teens, Jason had a near mental breakdown. He had severe depression and tearful moments of anxiety. We were quite concerned about him, obviously, and we were afraid of what he might do to himself.” Myrena paused, took in a deep breath of air, noticing the pinched lines of dread on Jenny's face. “Jason had a delayed reaction to his parents’ deaths, that and the subtle demands of adolescence. He could not see his future beyond his own inner pain. He felt that his life was somehow meaningless and without purpose. There was a paralysis of will, an inner suffocation. Carlton had handled his grief and pain in more overt and hateful ways. Jason had allowed the grief, the pain, to slowly accumulate and fester until he had himself backed into a corner of his mind. It was so sad to see his moods of despair and hopelessness.”

Myrena stopped talking, took a tissue from a box on the side table and wiped her eyes.

“Can I do anything, Grandma Myrena?” Jenny squeezed together her hands.

“No, it's okay, child. It's just those memories flooding back.” She smiled weakly.

“How did Jason come out of it?”

“Strangely enough, it was Carlton who came to the rescue, unwittingly. He supplied the antidote for Jason's recovery. I say 'unwittingly' but that could be a misnomer. Perhaps Carlton knew exactly what he was doing. Perhaps he knew more about what he was doing to help his brother than anyone ever gave him credit. In retrospect, it really does seem that way. As I look back, Carlton began to stay around Jason more, to guide him out of the dark pits of depression. In fact, it was a rather devious and splendid plan that Carlton must have put together. Well, actually, I don't believe it was calculated or even inspired by some youthful 'do good' intentions. Now, after all the years, it's like I'm seeing all of that in a different light. It occurs to me that Carlton's actions at the time were motivated by some sense of sibling love.

“Oh, Carlton was still rough and petty mean in his ways, but he did spend more time with Jason. Carlton kept putting oblique obstacles in Jason's way, obstacles that forced Jason away from his obsessive depression and anxiety. It was like an eternity then, but, actually, it was no more than seven or eight months.

“The boys were never before, or since, as close as they were toward the end of Jason's awful anguish. When Jason was clearly back to some normal place, when he again showed signs of his old energetic self, Carlton became less and less available. Carlton resumed his own isolated and mean tempered ways.

“It was a strange time. I'm sure the doctors helped Jason in some ways, but now, in this old befuddled mind, I do believe that it was Carlton who really helped Jason the most.”

Myrena stopped again, her thoughts lost in time, her gaze wistful and plaintive out the sun room windows.

Jenny looked lovingly at the pale sunken face of Myrena, not wanting to interrupt her thoughts. She did, though, want to know if there was more to the story of Jason's long ago period of depression.

“Many adolescents go through bad periods, Grandma Myrena. Guess I had my days as well. The newspapers are reporting almost daily about teenage depression and suicide. Perhaps it was just a rite of passage for Jason.” For a moment, Jenny was not sure Myrena had heard her comments.

Myrena's gaze was unaltered but she heard Jenny's words. She allowed several seconds to pass before turning back and responding.

“Yes, I know that must be the case. Watching Jason in his business world, his organized and aggressive penchant for perfection, like with 'Apple Brown Betty,' it is hard to think of him during those dark days of youth. Yet, with all of his good and noble achievements, I've noticed in Jason an inclination toward emotional blackout. Over the years, when an emotional event interrupted his orderly life, like John's death, a romantic breakup, something that brought intense emotion, I noticed that he just slips away, escaping the realities of the moment. It's like he is returning to those awful days. I worry that in these moments he could become irrevocably lost to us.

“Oh, I know other people go through emotional crises and become temporarily immobilized, with rational thoughts blocked by some dark panic. With Jason, though, I worry that he is reverting back to that black depression of years ago. There is too much to admire and to love in Jason. There is so much potential in him for greatness. I've always been there for him. I've been able to eventually bring him back from depression. It distresses me that with my passing and with Carlton's death he might just emotionally disintegrate. I'm now convinced that he knows I'm dying. Do you see, Jenny? Carlton has gone. I soon will be gone. Jason is at sea, his mind doing awful things to him.” Myrena stopped and dabbed at her eyes.

Jenny tried to console her. “Bless your heart. I wish that I could ease your worries. Can it be enough for you to know that I love Jason very much and will be there for him? If he will only let me be there. I can't believe that the Jason I know could be lost to us for long. He is ultimately too strong for that to happen, Grandma Myrena. He has so much of your strength inside him to be lost too long.” Jenny went and knelt at Myrena's side, putting a frail liver dotted hand into her own. “It will all work out, I promise you. I will find him and he will be all that you want for him.”

“You are a dear sweet and thoughtful woman. I pray that you do. If only Carlton had. If? Oh, I pray that you do, Jenny. I'm certain that Jason has found out about my cancer. That knowledge coupled with Carlton's death has triggered that long ago depression. If you find him after I pass, please don't let him think that I didn't know how much he loved me. Don't let him think that he let me down. I just … I must ...”

Myrena stammered, could not talk, her mouth open, gaping, fixed there in pain and terror, her eyes unmoving like marbles set in tiny balls of mottled snow.

Jenny felt a cold hardness to Myrena's fingers and shuddered. The fingers were contracting inward toward the palms. Jenny stood abruptly, stammering herself in a near paralysis of shock and fear. She put her hands on Myrena's shoulders.

---