Page 34 of Phoenix Fire

Grandma Myrena asked that Jenny join them at Carlton's memorial services. Jenny had deferred, saying that she would not feel comfortable being at the memorial service if it was not Jason's wish that she be there.

A few days after the memorial service Jenny called Grandma Myrena again. Jenny had to know that Jason was all right. Grandma Myrena was glad to hear from Jenny but seemed subdued and troubled, emotionally drained and weak from the ordeal of Carlton's death. During the brief telephone conversation, Grandma Myrena invited Jenny over to visit. There was an urgency attached to her request, tacit but readable.

When Jenny arrived in the afternoon, her thoughts were confirmed. Grandma Myrena looked so much older and frail since Jenny had last seen her. The strength of character that Grandma Myrena had shown at their last meeting was missing. Even the old house gave off an aura of pain and foreboding.

It was a partly cloudy day and Grandma Myrena chose to sit in the sun room. It appeared to Jenny that the wise matriarch was putting up a brave front and was trying very hard to be hospitable and civil through some terrible pain.

“You're looking too pale, young lady,” Myrena suggested, after Wardley had left them tea, cookies, and finger sandwiches. “You need to get out more in this Arizona sunshine, my dear. Gracious, just listen to me, telling a grown lady what she needs to do. You must forgive an old woman's meddlesome ways.”

Jenny smiled gently. “I don't mind one bit, Grandma Myrena. I'm flattered you think enough of me to be concerned.” It suddenly occurred to Jenny that she had taken a liberty by referring to the grand old lady as 'Grandma Myrena.' She flushed a bit with embarrassment. “You must forgive me for acting so familiar with your name. Having heard Jason say your name that way, it just came so easily for me.”

“Oh, nonsense! I'm very fond of you, Jenny, and I'm just as flattered that you would call me what Jason calls me.” As Myrena mentioned Jason she lowered her head as if a sudden ache had hit her.

“I'm so very sorry about Carlton, Grandma Myrena.” Jenny was going to add more but instead let her words fade.

Myrena lifted her head and looked into Jenny's eyes. “Thank you, my dear. Thank you, too, for your nice card. You're very thoughtful and considerate. You would have been more than welcome to join us at the memorial.”

“I wanted to come, would have come but just wasn't sure Jason wanted me to attend. Jason hasn't called. He has not talked to me since Carlton's death.” Jenny stopped when she felt that tears might fall.

Myrena slowly shook her head in some vague acknowledgment and refilled their cups with more tea. The cookies and finger sandwiches on the lovely silver tray lay untouched.

“Jason has not been himself, Jenny, and I'm quite worried about him. He has taken Carlton's death extremely hard. Much harder, I must say, than I would have thought possible. For a while I really was not aware that you two were out of touch. That bothers me even more. I know my grandson and I know that he has deep feelings for you. I'm positive of that. In fact, he's in love with you. He's in some kind of fog, and I've not been able to disperse it.

“Oh, he puts on a gallant show for me, but I know that he is suffering greatly. He has not been showing up at his office and that is so much out of character for him. His work is so important to him, so much a part of his life. Sometimes I wonder if he has discovered my ...” Myrena abruptly checked herself and again diverted her gaze toward the large windows.

“Are you all right, Grandma Myrena?” It was not lost on Jenny that Myrena had brought herself up short on saying something serious and significant.

“Yes, yes, I'm fine, Jenny.” Myrena sighed and turned once more to face Jenny with an austere countenance. “What you've told me makes my decision to tell you something all the more necessary.” She paused again, winced in pain. “Carlton is gone. There is nothing more I can do for him but to grieve. I prefer not to sustain a long mourning period for it really does no one any good, least of all, Carlton. I loved the boy and the man dearly, but I must say that the 'man' caused me some considerable maternal worries. I can hope that his peace has been found and that he may now reside in a better place with John and his mother and father.”

Myrena paused, unsure a tear might fall. She held a tissue to her nose and softly sniffed. She held up a frail hand to Jenny to give her a moment. After some seconds passed she regained composure and continued.

“Jason is now my sole concern, and you've given me reason to believe that he's a concern of yours as well. Do you love my grandson, Jenny?”

Without hesitation, Jenny responded. “Yes, very much. I only wish that ...” Her voice trailed off.

“Yes,” said Myrena, “I can see that you do, and you're confused as I am about his present state of mind. That's plain to see.

“Jenny, I'm about to tell you something that I would ask you to keep in confidence. I cannot be sure but I don't think Jason knows. I would prefer that he did not know. He is very attached to me.

“I am dying, Jenny.” She spoke the words with no emotional emphasis. Simple and direct.

Jenny was shocked with the bluntness of the news and saddened. She involuntarily gasped and started to speak, but Myrena waved her into silence.

“It is cancer, and it is terminal.”

Again Jenny wanted to speak, and, again, Myrena waved her silent. Myrena wanted to get it all said. Then Wardley could bring her a pain pill.

“Don't let your mind be crowded with sad thoughts,” Myrena continued. “I've had a marvelous life and I have faith enough to believe that there is yet more waiting for me beyond the grave. There will be a blessed reunion of souls: John, Carlton, my dear daughter, her husband, and many friends. So, no wasted moments on sadness, please. I have had much more in this life than most people and, to be perfectly candid with you, I am actually looking forward to the great event. My dear friend and doctor, Nelson, cannot tell me with any degree of certainty just how long I must wait for my big trip, so I may well be around for some time yet.

“But, why do I tell you all this? The answer, I'm afraid, is quite obvious and without frills. When I first met you, Jenny, I sensed a growing bond between you and Jason. Your eyes, the language of your bodies, little movements here and there, all spoke of love. Perhaps it was more obvious to me than the two of you. There is something after all to say for old age and having experienced life, having been there, done that, so to speak. In all of his life Jason has not shown so openly to me a love for a woman as he did that night with you.

“So I tell you of my cancer because I know that you are the woman with whom Jason will spend the rest of his life. Whatever his current mood, his emotional state, he loves you, my dear. You can trust me on that, and I needed to have this talk before time gets away from us.

“Jason will take my death very hard, Jenny, for the bond is so strong. I have been mother, grandmother, friend, and, to a large extent, father, to him. I have been, as it were, his role model. When I am no longer here, it will be very difficult for Jason to make an adjustment. You will need to be there for him through that period of denial and ultimate acceptance. I'm afraid he could also feel some anger, some psychological displacement.”

Myrena's recent pain medication had run its course as she felt the pain coming with its steady burning and spasmodic jolts. She sipped some tea, tried to deflect the moment, but Jenny had noticed Myrena's altered state with her attempt to hide a wince, a twitch of pain.

“Grandma Myrena, is there anything I can do? I know you're in pain.” Jenny sat on the edge of her chair, hands clasped on her lap.

---