Page 33 of Phoenix Fire

After some seconds, Jason spoke. “Are you sure you want to hear the details, Grandma? They're not easy to relate and they won't be easy to hear.”

“Yes, we need to hear them, Jay-boy, and you need to let them get out of you. We need them to keep us sane.”

Jason rose and reseated himself in the chair that Wardley had vacated earlier. He sat, wiped his own eyes, breathed deeply several times trying for some composure. With a long sigh, he began.

“Carlton was beaten and robbed. He died in the hospital earlier this morning. He seemed to know that he was dying. He was very lucid in the end, and his eyes had a prescient glow, a happiness ...” Jason fought back tears. “He said … he said that he was sorry, Grandma. He said to tell you that he loved you.” Jason ended, sobbing.

“Oh, my!” Myrena softly murmured. “How sad life can be. He was really a good boy, Jason. He just ...”

Tears flooded Myrena's eyes as the memories came again. She wanted to talk about Carlton, about his inherent goodness. She felt that she needed to talk about him, to give his life meaning and purpose, to validate his tortured time on earth. But the constricting tears would not give her space to speak.

Jason started to come to her again, but she waved him to stay where he was. She reached over and touched Jason's cheek as he leaned toward her. She then touched Wardley's hand and stared into his sad watery eyes. “You must share your grief as well, dear Wardley. You have been a part of us for so long. You must know how much we've grown to love you, as well as depending so much on you. You are part of our family.” A wan smile came to her face and mixed with the tears.

Wardley was moved, announced by more tears. He stood, through a broken voice thanked Myrena, and embraced her gently. He moved to Jason and embraced him. Then he excused himself and left the parlor, unable to handle the mounting tide of sorrow within him and unable to share it all.

“Bless him,” Myrena said, “he truly cares for you boys.” She sighed, took a deep breath, and spoke again. “Will you make the arrangements, Jason? I don't think I could handle that ordeal.”

“Of course, Grandma. I'll handle it all.”

As they talked through sporadic tears about the uncertain days to come, the telephone rang. It was Sheila Broward, Wardley announced.

“Oh, Jason, Sheila needs to be told. Would you talk to her? She loved Carlton very much.”

“Yes, of course.”

Jason left the parlor to speak to Sheila on another phone. He did not want Grandma Myrena to hear the awful news again.

Alone in the big parlor Myrena felt the weight of the years. Her great dignity and resolve deserted her. She wept quietly until the tears appeared spent. Then the pain came again, the cancer pain, and she longed for death as she had never longed for any mortal thing. “Oh, Jason,” she moaned to herself, “I love you so much. Don't hate me for wanting so much to leave this world.”

Chapter Twenty-two

Jenny had finally gone unnoticed to the small treatment room off the ER and confronted a young man in light green garb who was moving equipment around. Under a slight pretense, Jenny was able to get the information about Carlton's death, and it had devastated her. She had just seen him earlier, and the doctor had indicated he would recover.

What had happened? The young man in green gave her no further details, and, after talking to several other hospital personnel, she still had no idea as to the cause of death.

Where was Jason? No one knew. Someone thought he had left the hospital after handling some paperwork connected to Carlton's death. After having Jason paged on the hospital paging system, with no result, she had no other options. When it was ultimately clear to her that Jason was not at the hospital, she left.

Not only was she devastated with the news of Carlton's death, she was also deeply troubled by Jason's abrupt departure from the hospital without a word.

He was emotionally crushed by Carlton's death. He was in pain, devastated in a way she could not know. That had to be the reason for his leaving without speaking to her. His grief had simply been too much for him, overriding rational thinking. It must be that. Surely, it must be that. Yes, he had seemed remote earlier, but that could be explained away and easily understood. He was worried about his brother.

Now his brother was dead, and Jason must be under a terrible stress. Jenny must try not to think so much about herself and think more about Jason's feelings. She would be unreasonable if she expected predictable behavior at a time like this.

No matter how many times she turned it over in her mind, a persistent niggling continued. Their relationship had a special beginning, had traversed a most romantic course, their time together a lovely promise for their future. All the signals were obvious and pure. They were in love. Sure, it would be quite natural that each would be careful not to rock their love boat with a negative action or silly utterance. Their past relationships had taught them much, the pitfalls to avoid, the subtle moods into which they should not intrude, the terribly wasteful emotions of jealousy and selfishness. Jenny was sure: they were careful in the handling of their love.

That is, until now. Jason's recent behavior was baffling to Jenny. Despite the tragic loss of Carlton, she would have expected that Jason would come to her for succor and compassion. Jenny should be his port in the storm, his soul mate and comforter. She was confused, hurt, and disappointed by his behavior. She wanted desperately to be there for him in his time of need, to understand his pain, but he was pushing her away, keeping her out of his space.

Jenny did not go to work. She took some sick leave that was owed to her. She stayed home, did the menial chores, read books, and hoped the phone would ring.

She could only do chores and read books for so long, waiting, hoping, praying, that Jason would call her and explain away her past few days of doubt and insecurity. She was beginning to think that she had only imagined the depth of his feeling for her. She even considered the fact that she had inadvertently done something to push him away from her, but, with all of her soul searching, she could not think of what it could be. She began also to question the miracle she had found in the lightning strike.

Finally, she called Jason at his office. She was told that he was out on business. She had left a message. She called again. The results were the same.

It appeared more and more to Jenny that Jason simply did not want to talk to her or see her. She felt more alone and desperate than she had ever before felt in her life. When the telephone rang and it was a co-worker or a wrong number, she felt that fate was playing cruel games. The pain piled up inside, and she did not know what to do.

Jenny read the newspaper accounts of Carlton's death, the highlights from his life, the fact that he was to be cremated, and that a memorial was to be held in a Scottsdale church.

She called Grandma Myrena to give her heartfelt condolences and to offer her services in any way they might be needed. Grandma Myrena seemed remarkably in control of her emotions and assumed that Jason was in touch with Jenny. She was so sorry to hear that he was not in touch. Grandma Myrena told Jenny that she was very worried about Jason, that he was acting very much out of character; was, in fact, not around very much during this crisis.

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