Page 50 of One More Time

Would I have been there to say goodbye? Would it have mattered? Would she have been able to hear me? I was aware of time passing, but somehow I was still stuck in that moment where I found my little brother crying over Mum’s body, flat lines on the monitor. I watched as Holden tried to pull him off, tried to console him—but failed. If there was any mercy, it happened when I finally arrived. If I could do nothing else, I could hold Jamie together.

A nurse crouched in front of me, but I couldn’t hear what she said—I had to read it off her lips. She was telling us to go home. It seemed as if my brain refused to process sound to protect my heart from the sound of Jamie’s sobs.

I gathered my brother in my arms. He wasn’t small by any means, but in that moment it didn’t matter. I didn’t care how big he was, I would have found the strength to carry him out. We found our way into Holden’s back seat, and I watched the world pass by as he drove us to what was once our home. At some point, Jamie had cried himself to sleep. I worked on autopilot, guiding him through the front door and into my bed. By the time I tucked him in, hoping he would sleep, I felt arms around me.

I turned and let them pull me into Holden’s chest. There was once a time when my best friend’s arms would have been comforting, but now it just felt wrong. We were the same height; I couldn’t tuck my face into the crook of his neck. Nor was he as thick as Hunter. I missed those bulging biceps, the way I could rest my head on his chest. I missed his smell, and I missed the way he called me baby.

I missed him.

“I’m so sorry, Ty.”

I pulled away and gave him my best attempt at a smile, but it came out more as a grimace.

“What can I do?”

I shook my head because there was nothing he could do. Nothing would bring her back.

The door opened and my aunt stepped through, looking so much like Mum before the chemo drained her. She sat on the armchair, eyeing me like I was under a microscope.

“Right, I have a plan. It’s what your mum wanted so I just need you to listen.”

Her words being in past tense felt like sharp needles stabbing me in the chest. But I did as I was told and waited for my auntie to let me know what the future held.

“Jamie is on summer break, and I think you should take him with you back to America. I know you have your studies and hockey to focus on, but a change of scenery would be good for him. He can still train, maybe even learn some new skills. Most importantly, he can be with you. Your mum said under no circumstances were you to quit—and I’m inclined to agree. You boys have lost enough, but you have each other, and your dreams.”

Hockey wasn’t the dream that had me liking the idea. It was the fact that I could be in Hunter’s arms. Even just a few minutes would make me feel at least a little better.

Auntie continued. “She left everything to you boys—royalties, the house, and her life insurance. You two won’t have to worry about anything in terms of money. Once school starts back, I’ll care for Jamie, either here or at my place; I’ll let him decide. This house has a lot of memories, but it also holds a lot of ghosts.”

Didn’t I know it.

“If he needs to stay with me, he’s more than welcome,” Holden offered.

“I’m going with Tyler,” a groggy voice sounded from the door. Jamie’s eyes were puffy and devoid of light.

I held out my hand, and he came toward me like a magnet. I was thankful he wasn’t closing me off. He sat next to me, curling into my side.

“I think that’s best,” Auntie agreed. “We’ll do this as a family. We’ll find you a program to keep up your training. Tyler will have some time over winter break to help settle you in.”

I held Jamie tight as Auntie went over the logistics. Mum was to have her funeral, then both Jamie and I would fly back to Boston where he would stay with me in my dorm. It dawned on me that I would no longer be homesick. I looked around the room filled with memories, good memories of a childhood most people would die for. Despite it all, I couldn’t cry. I felt my phone buzz in my pocket, and my heart skipped when I saw his name pop up on the screen: Hunter56 messaged you.

I read his worried messages and felt that ache in my chest. That meant it was all real. I wasn’t ready for it to feel real.

Jamie had slept in my bed every night, cuddled to me like I was his lifeline.

Today was the day. I wiggled myself out of his grip and walked outside into the summer air, heading to the back granny flat that was Mum’s sanctuary. The scent reminded me so much of her: roses and agapanthus. The porch swing came to life with the early morning summer breeze. I could almost see her there, sitting with her laptop or a book, sipping a cup of coffee as she watched us play in the garden. I swallowed past the lump in my throat and stepped up to the door. With a creak, I was welcomed to the smell of books and gingerbread candles: her favorite scent. Her desk remained cluttered and messy, quintessential Mum. Yet, her shelves were neatly organized. Her books were her prized possession. There were pictures of us on the walls by the soft plush velvet couches. I lay down on one, looking up at the ceiling fan. Finally, I dialed his number and prayed he would pick up

“Hello?”

The sound of his voice had me covering my mouth to stifle a choked sound. I don’t know when Hunter had become the place my heart had decided it could be vulnerable with, but he was.

“Baby? Is that you?”

“Yep,” I sobbed.

“Talk to me, what’s happened?”

“She is gone, Hunt. She is gone.”

---