Page 10 of One More Time

I groaned, attempting to divert my thoughts from the guy who got my blood boiling. “Mum, he’s a teammate.” I could practically hear her eyes roll.

“I know something happened on that hockey trip years ago. Your dad might have mentioned the girl, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be attracted to guys. And, well…”

I stiffened, speaking through gritted teeth.

“But what, Mum.”

“I do remember a boy who came to me before he slept with a girl, asking how does one know if he likes girls or guys.”

“I was fourteen, Mum.”

“Yes, but then you tried it with a girl — which we won’t get into — then we lost your dad, and then I got sick, and you made it your role to protect both me and your brother. I worry you have decided not to explore yourself because there’s so much responsibility on your shoulders.”

I glanced around the room, desperate for something to capture my attention.

“Mum…” I was at a loss for words because, really, I wanted her to do all the work. I hated this topic for so many goddamn reasons.

“Tyler.” She drawled out my name, knowing exactly what I was doing.

“Come on, son. This was your dad’s game: making me fill in the blanks of his emotions so he doesn’t have to. Not you. You come to me and work through your thoughts and emotions, which is why I’m assuming you’re on the phone with your mum on a Friday night. Aren't your teammates out celebrating tonight win? You should be with them. So, talk to me, kiddo.”

I sighed. Despite Dad being gone, she spoke about him freely. Two years passed like lightning, but the ache in my chest hadn’t gone anywhere. “I don’t know, Mum. I don’t know what I am, who I am. All I know is I am a good hockey player. The guys here—all they talk about is sex, parties, hockey, and well, American college boy shit. I don’t fit in. Sex…it wasn’t something I enjoyed. How it all happened… I don’t want that.”

My mind went to sixteen-year-old me. I had the confidence of a kangaroo in a fistfight. Nothing scared me. I was cocky, loud, and nothing but smiles. Our Perth team beat the undefeated Canberra boys and we were on a high. Despite the loss, the Canberra boys threw a party that we all snuck out of the hotel to go to. Because we were the winners—that was it. But just as soon as I learned what that high felt like, I was also taught that life could slam you down quicker than you could blink.

I heard a soft sigh.

“Sex isn’t meant to be like that. Yes, it can be casual, but it can also be earth-shattering. That’s all I’ll say on it. Just know that it doesn’t matter who you like, Tyler."

I huffed a laugh. “I can’t really explore that here, Mum. Sports aren’t exactly the place for queer people. It’s a liability, and the big leagues won’t touch me if they find out. I have enough to worry about without trying to figure out if—” I paused, needing to take a breath “If I like girls at all.”

There, I said it. And my heart was pounding in my chest, drowning out any other noise that threatened to compete.

I squeezed my eyes shut against the threat of tears. I could almost hear the gears turning as my mum processed what I’d just told her. “Honey, I don’t know if that was any sort of coming out for you, but I’ll say this: no matter how you identify, you’re still you. You’re still a young man with a big heart who doesn’t shy away from who he is.”

I sighed; I loved my mum, but she saw the world through rose-colored glasses. She was a romance writer that everyone fell under her spell, with her idyllic thinking of the world.

“Ma, you do realize I am in a predominantly Irish Catholic state, right? Half this country has banned books with even so much as a queer character. The sport that means the world to me banned rainbow tape.”

“Fucking stupid,” she muttered under her breath. “The lot of them, love is love.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle, “I know, Mum. I’m not putting a label on anything yet, but there’s no point in denying it. You seem to still know me even from halfway across the world. Do I find guys attractive? Yes. Does that include one particular douchebag I know? Yes—annoyingly so.”

Her laugh made me relax—slightly. “Do me a favor?”

“Hm?”

“Promise me that you won’t stop yourself from experiencing… life. I don’t want you to get your dream career and regret your path getting there. I don’t think hiding part of yourself is good for your mindset. Having connections with people is important—whether that be a friendship or a fling. Sex isn’t something you should be afraid of. What that girl did to you was unforgivable, but it’s different when you’re older. You have an opportunity now. You’re a young college student. You can get to know another part of yourself. Go and find out who you are without being Tyler Riley the hockey star.”

“I’ll think about it,” I muttered, but I couldn’t deny the fact that her little pep talk had me itching. I began to wonder what it would be like—wondering how to do it without the team knowing.

“Atta boy. Go to that party, show face—don’t be a hermit.”

“Fine, I’ll go.”

I could hear the smile in my mum’s voice. “Good! Now, wear something nice. You never know who you’ll meet.” Before I could protest, she signed off with a quick, “Love you! Buy your own condoms!”

My face was on fire, but for some reason she had me on my feet. She didn’t need to know about the condoms I already had—I wasn’t that clueless. I changed into dark, distressed jeans and a white top that was a little loose, so I tucked it in the back to show off my ass—ets. I threw on my new thick leather jacket and grabbed a beanie as I left, heading to the hockey house.

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