Page 149 of Forget Me Not

Inside is a piece of paper with my name written on the front in Jack’s handwriting.

This is going to suck.

Nova,

I have brain cancer. Feels good to finally say that to you. I know you probably feel betrayed because I kept it from you. God knows I would. I just couldn’t stomach seeing you be sad every day. I know that probably makes me selfish and I’m sorry, but we both know I am.

I’m sorry for a lot of things, actually. I know this letter doesn’t make up for the hurt I’ve caused you. Every time I yelled at you, I hated myself a little more. I don’t even want to be in the same room with myself.

I didn’t want to ruin our last couple months together, but I know I am. We were fighting before I even found out.

I slapped you. They say it’s the cancer making me act this way, but I’m scared it’s something else inside me. Why would I do that? I love you more than anything, but I can’t get control of my anger lately. I’m so sorry.

I’m so scared you’ll leave before I pass. I’m getting weaker by the day and my head pounds constantly. So much so that it’s hard to even sleep. I can barely hear you when you talk sometimes.

I worry one morning, I won’t wake up, but you will, and you’ll have to face that alone.

I hate myself and what the cancer has done to me, but I love you, even if I suck at showing it. I hate the flares in my temper and I hate that it’s like a switch has flipped inside me that I can’t turn off.

You deserve better than this.

I asked Mom to give you this letter after I go because I know you’re going to feel guilty. Like you could have known. There’s nothing you could have done to save me and I don’t want you thinking that. No amount of money was taking care of my issues. I guess I should have listened when you told me to go to the doctor.

You’re a great girl, Nova. The fucking best.

I’m sorry I couldn’t give you kids. A house. Even a dog because you’ve been asking for one for years.

I know that after I’m gone, someone along the line is going to come along and give you everything you’ve ever wanted. You’re going to have babies together. Grow old together in a beautiful, colorful home. Probably surrounded by all your random pets.

If you find yourself slipping, just please think about it. Even if you don’t want to keep moving forward, do it for me. Live for me. I told you, I’m selfish.

Just don’t take anything or anyone for granted because they might not be here tomorrow. Know that I love you. I always have. Even when you told me I was gross when we were eight . . . yeah, I still remember.

I love you, Nova.

Love, Jack

Jack was my first love. My first kiss. First time.

But he was also my first heartbreak.

It was a girl’s love.

A girl who hadn’t seen the world in one person’s eyes. Who hadn’t experienced heartache. Who hadn’t had to rebuild, knowing the world would tear it back down again.

A girl who’d never felt the sting of a slap across her cheek and the guilt of moving on after grief.

My love for Jack was natural. Simple. Young and carefree, until it wasn’t anymore.

My love for Reid is different. Strong. Powerful, like a storm at sea. Dangerous. Inevitable. I know . . . I won’t find another love like that.

Reid came to me when I was at the most frightening time of my life. The moment when I felt like my legs were trapped in cement and I couldn’t break away from the past. When the water felt like it was closing in on me, threatening to swallow me whole into the depths of the ocean. He pulled me out, literally and figuratively, and showed me that I can be whole again.

And I don’t need anyone’s permission.

I can still love Jack for the time we shared together and I can be in love with Reid.

I’m not betraying one by falling for the other and I’m not hurting Reid for having been in love with Jack in the past. I’m simply living.

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