Page 54 of The Home Game

Reese went right to sleep but when Antoni put River down to sleep after her bath, she was unusually fussy. Her eyes were normally drooping by the time he was halfway done with a story but they’d read two tonight and she was still wide awake and unhappy.

“Need Mama,” she said fitfully, clutching her new fluffy cloud pillow along with her ratty bunny.

“I know you want your mama,” Antoni said softly, stroking her hair, wishing he could do more to help her understand. “But she’s gone. It’s just me now.”

“Need Mama!” she said, her eyes welling up. “Picture!”

“Oh!” Relieved, Antoni stood. “Sorry. Yeah. Let me get it. I know right where it is. I’ll get it right now, okay?”

River subsided, watching him with big, wary tear-filled eyes as he strode to the box near the closet. They hadn’t quite gotten everything unpacked yet but he should have remembered to get this out first thing.

He dug through the box, sighing with relief when he found the framed picture of Bethany and River at the park.

“Here, River,” he said, carrying the frame over. “Here’s Mama.”

“Mama!” she said happily, taking it from him.

Antoni probably should have pushed her to speak in full sentences but he didn’t want to force it when she was so upset.

“Where do you want me to put the picture?” Antoni asked gently. “On the dresser there, maybe?” He pointed at the one across the room. “She can watch over you there.”

“Okay.” River hugged the frame to her chest for a moment and then handed it to him.

“Do you like your new room?” he asked when the picture was in the right place and she was tucked under the covers.

“Yeah.” She blinked sleepily. “Lights pretty.”

“Yes, the lights are pretty. I’m glad you like your room. Do you want your nightlight on too? Or are these enough?”

“These enough.”

“Okay. Now, you know where my room is if you need anything, right? Down the hall and to the left.”

He pointed to show her and she nodded solemnly. “Okay.”

“How about I read you one more story because tonight’s a special night? And then you need to close your eyes and sleep.”

“Okay. Moon story please.”

So he got the story about the moon that she loved so much—and he laughed softly to himself because he knew exactly where Charlie had gotten the idea to decorate her room this way.

River’s eyes were closed by the time he was halfway through and she was deeply asleep by the time he finished.

He pressed a soft, gentle kiss to the top of her head, then shut the door most of the way, leaving it open just a crack.

Like someone had cut the strings holding him up, Antoni slumped against the wall and took a deep breath. For every good moment, there was a tough one to follow.

There would be for a long time. For years, probably.

And it took so much out of him every time. Trying to anticipate all of the landmines of grief that would hit the kids. Being there for them in the ways they needed. Not fucking it all up horribly.

The counselors who saw the kids kept saying they were doing well but it was so hard. So exhausting.

But as Antoni walked down the hall to his new bedroom, he thought that maybe, just maybe, he could at least get a good night’s sleep in the future.

And maybe that would help him feel better prepared to be there for the kids.

His throat went a little thick as he thought of Matty’s kindness and generosity.

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