Page 77 of The Waiting Game

“Sure, I get that. That’s called being an adult who isn’t homophobic. I’ve done the same.”

“There hasn’t been any kind of spark with anyone but Jonah,” Felix insisted. “Where I’ve, you know, considered acting on it.”

“And that spark is new?”

“I think so?” Felix said, frowning. “I mean, looking back, I do remember when we were teenagers I kinda had a minute of ‘hmm, maybe’ but God, you know what it’s like to be a teenage boy. Anything will turn you on, right?”

Ismael chuckled. “Pretty much.”

“So I just … chalked it up to that. And I mean, I was into girls. No question about that. I wanted to date them. As I got older, I fell in love with women, enjoyed sex with them. So I’ve never really questioned it.”

“Sure. That makes sense.”

“Besides.” Felix let out a bitter little laugh. “Me being anything but straight was not on my parents’ approved behavior list. I don’t think they’re bigots per se but there were expectations about me marrying a woman and having kids, and I just …”

He floundered, trying to put into words how hard he’d worked to gain his parents’ approval. How much he’d never wanted to rock the boat. The only thing he’d ever pushed to have in his life that they didn’t really approve of was hockey. He’d fought to stay in hockey, even when they tried to entice him into other sports or activities.

But … Jonah and hockey were so inextricably linked. Maybe some part of Felix had always been fighting to keep Jonah, as much as anything.

Felix looked up at Ismael who sat quietly, drinking his coffee and letting him find the words he needed to explain it.

“I never would have pushed against that. Especially not when I didn’t know what I was feeling at the time.”

“I understand that.”

“So even if I felt it, I would have … stuffed it down. Not consciously or anything. As a teenager I never had some blinding moment of wanting Jonah or other boys in general or anything even remotely like it. But I’ve spent months trying to dig through all of my feelings. And I guess now that I’ve kind of … peeled back the layers on a lot of things in my head, this is … starting to feel different.”

Ismael took a sip of his coffee. “This being your friendship with Jonah?”

“Sort of. Maybe more how I look at it? And how I view myself?”

“How do you view yourself?”

“I—I don’t know.” Felix sighed. “I just … Jonah and I have always had this bond. I love him. Full stop. But I never thought that love was the … romantic kind of love.”

Ismael hummed. “But there’s a difference between romance and sex.”

“Sure,” Felix agreed. “But that’s what I mean by spark. There’s uh, both, I guess.”

“You’re attracted to Jonah?”

Felix ran a hand through his hair, knowing it was messing the curls up but too agitated to care. “Yes. I think so. Maybe.”

Ismael raised an eyebrow.

“So. Uh, the other night, when Grandma Ji-min was in the hospital, Jonah and I shared a bed. Not … that way. Just, he has nightmares because of the way he lost his family and sometimes I sleep next to him so he’s not so scared. We’ve done that since we were kids. It’s never … made me feel the way it does to sleep beside an attractive woman.”

He pushed away his cup because if he gripped it any harder, he was going to crush the thing and explode hot coffee all over himself. “It’s never made me feel that way until that night.”

“Ahh.”

“I woke up hard. Which … whatever. I don’t get morning wood as often as I did when I was younger but … it’s a thing.”

Ismael chuckled. “It is.”

“I was half-asleep and Jonah was still out cold and we were … cuddling, I guess. Except it was way more intimate than usual. I was hard and his body felt … good. I liked it.” Felix swallowed, feeling all itchy and fidgety again. “I kind of pulled away before he woke up because obviously it’s creepy to rub your dick against someone who isn’t awake enough to tell you if they’re into that, right?”

Ismael nodded, a smirk lingering at the corner of his mouth.

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