Page 67 of The Waiting Game

Maybe it was the reminder of Grandma Ji-min’s mortality or the way she was pushing Jonah to settle down but it had made that feeling deepen.

It had nothing to do with wanting a drink. Felix knew what that felt like.

And yeah, there was the pull of that every now and then. It was tempting to reach for a bottle and know that by the time it was half-empty, he’d feel nothing but the blissful blankness of a vodka-induced stupor.

But if he did, he’d be letting down Jonah, Grandma Ji-min, Ismael, and his team. That knowledge and the tools he’d been given in rehab were enough to keep the temptation at bay.

And one of those tools he’d been given was learning that instead of ignoring his feelings, pushing them away, he needed to let himself feel the feeling. It had sounded like a stupid idea at first but he got it now.

Understood how to quiet his mind and breathe through the uncomfortable sensations until they ebbed away and dissipated.

But he didn’t understand what this feeling was.

All he knew was that he had an odd, prickling awareness of Jonah that was new and different.

And the way Jonah looked back at Felix sometimes made him wonder if he felt that too.

But maybe it was just from all of his teammates’ chirping and the JockGossip article insinuations.

Grandma Ji-min’s comments about getting married and the photos of him and Jonah at various stages of his life hadn’t helped.

It had made him wistful for a person who loved him with utter devotion, the way Grandma Ji-min and Grandpa Cho had loved each other.

Jonah was right, they’d set the bar too high.

Felix had thought he’d found that with Whitney but he’d been wrong. And knowing that he was thirty and that hockey wouldn’t last forever made him want something else in his life.

Jonah’s hobby of the month idea was good and Felix would enjoy trying new things. But it wasn’t the same as having a relationship.

Not as good as knowing he had someone to come home to.

Felix wandered the softly lit garden paths for a while, making his way along the winding route as he let his mind meander through the past few weeks.

The fence and surrounding trees dimmed the noise of the nearby city and Felix could hear the small waterfall that spilled its contents into a shallow decorative pool.

The sound was soothing but, as always, Felix was drawn to the cozy haven of the garden shed.

Tonight, it was dim and warm, the air a little stuffy in the spring night.

Felix climbed the ladder, plugged in the lights, then lay back in the hammock, setting it to softly sway, soothed by the rocking motion.

He wasn’t surprised when a few minutes later, the door creaked open and he heard Jonah’s quiet footfalls approaching.

“You don’t have to keep following me here,” Felix murmured.

“I worry about you,” he said.

Felix laughed softly. “I know.”

“Is it your birthday that’s bugging you?”

Felix lifted a hand, wobbling it back and forth. “Little bit, maybe. Just thinking about a lot of things.”

“Was some of it what Grandma Ji-min said earlier?”

Felix looked over at Jonah, squinting in the dim light. “Maybe some of that too. It’s been a weird week. Lots of worry about Grandma Ji-min. Lots of thinking about my birthday and where I’m at in my life. Lots of tangled feelings, I guess.”

“I get that.”

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