Page 81 of The Waiting Game

Henry had never met Felix, even virtually, so yes, that much was obvious. “Thanks. That’s helpful.”

Henry grinned for a moment before he sobered. “Has Felix ever lied to you?”

“He’s … kept things from me. His drinking. And sometimes how much he’s struggling. But no. I can’t think of any time he’s flat-out lied to me.”

“So why would you think he’s lying about his sexuality? I don’t think anyone lies about being gay or bisexual when they’re not. Not under these circumstances, anyway.”

“True.” Jonah considered the idea. “You don’t think that’s why he suggested this, do you? Because he’s trying to figure it out?”

Henry frowned. “I don’t know. Jonah. I’m much better at plants than feelings—just ask Tim.”

Chuckling, Jonah nodded. “Me too.”

“But from what you told me, if I try to put myself in his shoes, I’d say that he’s feeling lost and you’re safe. You’re someone he can be honest and open with. And he’s reaching out saying he needs some more stability in his life. Maybe all he meant by that comment was that there’s enough wiggle room there that it won’t make him feel uncomfortable to pretend to be intimate with you.”

“True.” Jonah hadn’t slept very much last night, mind whirling with thoughts about Felix and his sexuality.

And that made more sense than what Jonah had been imagining. For a second, he’d thought that Felix was suggesting something else. And while Jonah was really fucking tempted by the idea of Felix wanting to experiment, Jonah had to be realistic.

“Am I setting myself up for heartbreak?” he asked.

“Maybe,” Henry said with a shrug, his glasses sliding down his nose. He pushed them back up. “But maybe it’ll give Felix some stability, give your grandmother the reassurance she needs, and allow you to move on from your feelings for Felix.”

“One can only hope,” Jonah said with a sigh.

Jonah knew how much loneliness had been tugging at Felix. Knew it could be a tipping point for Felix’s recovery. Knew that having Jonah there would give him even more security and stability in his life.

Felix wasn’t doing it to be manipulative in any way.

Jonah knew that if he had any idea of how Jonah actually felt, knew that Jonah was desperately in love with him and had been for years, Felix would be horrified by the idea of offering Jonah a teasing glimpse of what he’d always wanted, knowing it wasn’t real and wouldn’t last.

But Jonah could do this for him. Could give him that security and stability. And wasn’t that the ultimate act of love? Giving someone that love and support in their moment of need, even if it was personally challenging.

If Jonah said yes to Felix’s idea, he could take care of both Felix and his grandmother.

And well, this wasn’t totally selfless on Jonah’s part. He had a lot of anxiety about losing people he loved. With good reason, but even knowing that wasn’t always enough to calm his fears.

Knowing that Felix was willing to do this for him and Grandma calmed that little gremlin of anxiety that lurked in the back of his brain.

Felix’s drinking had terrified Jonah. There was more than one way to lose a person and for a while, Jonah had worried Felix was going to disappear in a blur of booze and random women.

But if Felix was worried about taking care of Grandma Ji-min and Jonah, that was reassuring, right? It was a sign he planned to stick around. He was committed to his sobriety.

If they did this, Jonah would have Felix in so many more ways than he ever had before. He’d get to touch him. Probably kiss him at the very least if they were going to be selling this to the world.

There would be even more emotional intimacy.

But maybe he’d also discover that Felix was annoying in a relationship. Maybe the attraction was about having the forbidden fruit, and their chemistry would fall flat instead of being electric the way it was in his head.

Maybe it would help Jonah see that Felix wasn’t right for him.

Maybe it would be like being desensitized to an allergen. Slow, steady trickles of exposure that would make his feelings about Felix less intense.

Or maybe Felix would just break his heart by accident and that would be the thing that finally killed Jonah’s stupid feelings for good.

Jonah doubted it, but he might as well try it.

Nothing else had worked so far.

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