Page 68 of The Waiting Game

“Just need to process them.” He wasn’t allowed to stuff them down anymore.

“Processing is good.”

“I know Grandma Ji-min is putting pressure on you to find someone,” Felix said, chewing at his lip. “But I think in some ways it’s different for you. The expectations.”

“Why? Because I’m gay?” Jonah crossed his arms, tense, though his voice didn’t rise.

Felix fumbled for how to put it into words. “Maybe not to your grandma. But people in general …”

“Yeah, okay fine,” Jonah said with a sigh. “The expectations probably are different. No one is surprised when I focus on my career instead of my personal life. I’m not expected to meet someone and have a family right away or whatever. And, let’s be honest, the general public would prefer if I was totally sexless, which—hey, that gets tangled up in the racist ideas people have about Asian men—so that’s a fun complication.”

Felix nodded. They’d definitely had conversations about that before.

But Jonah continued. “I know you feel like you’re behind on where you want to be in your life and your relationships. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want that too. That I don’t feel pressure from my grandmother or from myself or even from the people around us.”

Felix grimaced. “I know that.”

“Do you really think I don’t have days where I wish I had the perfect marriage to someone I’m madly in love with?” Jonah looked away. “You’re not the only who feels like that.”

“I know that too,” Felix assured him.

“Just, don’t be so fucking hard on yourself. I know that’s like telling water not to be wet but unlike water, you can change.”

“I have!” Felix protested. “I mean, I’ve done a lot of work on this shit. I still have terrible days though. And today wasn’t terrible but everything lately has me feeling weird and …”

Jonah softened. “Hey, I know you’ve done a lot of work. And I’m proud of you for that.”

“So let me process my feelings in my hammock in peace,” Felix muttered.

“Is this like a solo situation, or are you open to some company?” Jonah teased softly.

Felix tried not to laugh but he couldn’t quite help the little chuckle that escaped. “Company is fine. I guess we could try some synchronized processing if you really want.”

“The D-pair who processes together, stays together,” Jonah said, settling in beside him on the hammock.

Felix managed a small smile but the heat of Jonah’s body was already softening his shoulders, making the tension bleed away. “Something like that.”

They both shifted until they were comfortable and for a few moments, there was only the creak of the hammock swaying.

Jonah reached out a hand, settling it on Felix’s knee. “I’m sorry it’s been a weird week for you,” he whispered.

“Thanks.” Felix reached out too, placing his hand on Jonah’s shin. “I appreciate that.”

“And I’m sorry it wasn’t a better birthday,” Jonah said.

“I appreciate that you guys tried,” Felix assured him. “And it’s certainly not your fault or Grandma Ji-min’s that she had to go to the ER the other night. I’ll be fine, I promise. I just have some things I have to get straight in my head.”

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Felix fell quiet and Jonah let him be, knowing he needed more time to think.

This had been a tough year for him. Birthdays, especially milestone ones, could be difficult.

Jonah had felt a little unsettled on his thirtieth birthday too.

But there was no way he was going to let Felix wallow either. “I loved those pictures Grandma gave you,” he said after a while.

“Yeah, me too.” Felix chuckled. “We sure did some ridiculous things growing up.”

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