Page 99 of Stars May Burn

“Yes.”

“I am so sorry.”

He shrugged. “We all have our scars.”

“That doesn’t mean they don’t hurt.”

He nodded.

I studied his face for a moment. “You asked me what I would like to happen to Father? What do you want to happen to yours?”

Kasten tensed for a moment then relaxed with a long exhale. “I suppose I want to be free of him. But I also don’t want to be the cause of his death. Killing him would only damage me further, not to mention the damage it would do to Fenland.” His hand left my shoulder as he leaned back. “When he gave me the position of general, I thought if I made myself a war hero, I would be indispensable, and he would be proud of me. But I just made myself into a more perceptible threat. And every year he chips away at my humanity until I am nothing but a monster.”

He sighed and looked down at our entwined hands. “When you were crying in the conservatory, I realized this has to stop. I don’t want to die and leave you alone. I’ve been weak, letting them control me.”

I squeezed his hands. “Kasten…”

He shook his head to stop me. “No, I have been. I merely react to what they do when I could have been taking action to protect myself and so protect you. But now that you’ve made this strong pinkseed sedative for Callum—well, we tested it yesterday—I think you’ve finally given us the answer to bring down Lord Lyrason.”

I raised my eyebrows. “I have?”

He nodded. “This sedative is powerful, quick acting, and long lasting. If we can capture two halfsouls, I feel it would be safe to take one to the king and one to a member of the Maegistrium. They will be forced to act immediately and instigate a full investigation. We could even share our suspicions of Lord Lyrason. They could do their own research on what kryalcomy is being performed on them.”

I frowned. The plan sounded risky, and I hadn’t meant for him to take dangerous action. “What if the king still doesn’t believe it’s Lord Lyrason?”

Kasten shrugged. “Then I will believe he’s part of it. I just hope that’s not the case.”

My breath caught. “Then what would you do?”

His shoulders sagged, and he lowered his head, his hand leaving mine to fist his hair. “I don’t know. But…I can’t let a king rule who willingly allows his own people to be turned into monsters. It’s the very reason I fight Kollenstar in campaign after campaign. I can’t let things get worse. I think this would be the one reason I would openly stand against him.”

My heartbeat picked up. This could mean civil war.

Kasten looked up, his hair ruffled. “But I want to believe—part of me has to believe—he’s a better man than that. That’s what I must assume until I see otherwise.”

My heart broke. I reached out and rubbed his back, wishing I could absorb some of his pain.

The clock ticked and Kasten leaned his head on my shoulder. The vulnerability of the action made me want to hold him properly in my arms, but instead, I continued stroking his back.

I dragged in a deep breath. “My father chips away at me, too, until I am hollow inside with no will of my own. I used to feel he had made me so small, that there was nothing left for him to take.” I dragged in a deep breath, and all at once, I was crying. It felt so strange to finally say these things out loud. Kasten lifted his head from my shoulder and wrapped an arm around me, pulling me toward his chest. I tried to keep breathing and speaking through the sobs, each word catching in my throat before blurring together. “But since I’ve come here, I’ve felt like I’ve been growing. I’ve become bigger. I…I don’t want him to chip away at what I’ve gained again. I don’t want to be so small I barely exist.” I paused to wipe my nose and eyes with my handkerchief. “But with this—he’s already taken so much. I don’t want to look ahead and see our future and see that he’s still making me small, constraining what I want to be.” I wiped the tears from my face again and hoped that at least a little of what I was saying made sense.

Kasten handed me another handkerchief and leaned in so I could feel his breath warming my hair. “When you’re ready, tell me what you want. Tell me what you plan.”

I looked down at my hands and I wished I was as strong as Kasten, brave enough to challenge even the king. “I think I want the same as you, Kasten. I want to be free of him, but I don’t want to be responsible for his death. And I will be free if I show him I’m no longer under his power. I’m going to invite him to Kasomere and show him I’m not afraid of him.”

I could sense Kasten’s anger emanating from beside me. “If he threatens either of our lives, I may be left with no choice but to act.”

I nuzzled my head deeper into the dip below his shoulder. He didn’t move away. “You concentrate on your father, and I’ll concentrate on mine. I will follow your lead with making sure the sedative is ready for your plan to prove Lord Lyrason’s guilt, but let me face my father—whatever he threatens, unless my life is actually in danger. I want to show him that I’m not just hiding behind you. Otherwise, he’ll be after me every time you’re away at war.”

He said nothing but kissed the top of my head. I relaxed into his warmth. “Must you really go away in four days?”

“It will only be for a week. And who knows? When I come back, maybe Lord Lyrason will no longer be a threat. Invite your father here for the week after. I won’t interfere, but I can support you by being present. I will…control myself.”

I drew in a deep breath. “I’ll write to him. George mentioned a business proposal, so he’ll assume I want to discuss it in person.”

He squeezed my arm. “Fight and win, Sophie.”

“Fight and win,” I repeated.

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