Page 88 of Stars May Burn

My mind went back to the kiss. Had that been out of pity too? Because I had kissed him first? He didn’t want me to feel rejected. I had thought he was attracted to me, but I could easily be reading too much into his subtle smiles and gestures.

Beside me, I became vaguely aware of Callum hissing something at Kasten and elbowing him. They felt far away now, despite Kasten’s arm still being around my waist. Ever the protector.

He was a good man. I…I…

To my embarrassment, tears welled behind my eyes. I held my breath and hid my face until I was safely in the darkness of a carriage.

I hadn’t helped Kasten at all tonight. I’d thought I could aid Kasten as his wife by socializing, but all I’d done was make him angry and show my ignorance. I had begged him for a dance before tripping over my own skirts. It hadn’t even been hard footwork. Not to mention the smashed wine glass…

I was so unworthy of him.

Kasten and Callum joined me a moment later, but the silence lingered all the way back to the townhouse. I couldn’t shake the feeling Father created in me. I was small. I was weak and clumsy. I was nothing more than somebody for Kasten to pity and protect.

The darkness I hadn’t felt for weeks rose from the depths of my soul and swallowed me whole.

SOPHIE

Callum nudged me. I blinked as I was abruptly dragged from my dark thoughts and turned sluggishly from where I was sitting at the worktable. I hadn’t even noticed him come in.

He grinned before throwing back the heavy velvet curtains and turning off the kryalcomy lamps. I squinted in the sudden sunlight. I didn’t understand how he was so energetic in the mornings when he frequently worked late at night.

He looked out across the castle gardens. “What time did you come here to still have the curtains drawn?”

I blinked in the sudden sunlight. “I couldn’t sleep. Maybe five o’clock?”

He looked at my table, and I knew what he was thinking. The pestle and mortar lay discarded though I was only halfway through grinding a batch of pinkseed, and my notebook was unopened. I checked the small wooden clock on the wall. I had very little to show for four hours of work. Maybe Callum saw me as someone to pity too.

I had set up my own workshop in the empty east wing of the second floor. It was far enough from the gardens to be a little inconvenient, but I liked the privacy, the proximity to my rooms for working late at night or early morning, and knowing I could truly make my own without imposing on anyone. I felt safe in this small room with its mismatched glass apparatus and small fire.

I was forming a sanctuary here. The day after the ball, the darkness and self-loathing had been too great for me to even get out of bed. I had just lain there in in Highfair, staring at the ceiling, knowing it would only further cement Kasten’s perception of me: someone weak to be pitied. Every time I closed my eyes, I’d seen Father’s leering face. Coming back to Kasomere had been hard. Creating my workshop had given me a sense of purpose again after days of merely existing. An escape.

Callum sat beside me, leaning his head on his arm as he regarded me. “Have you eaten breakfast yet? Mind if I join you?”

Breakfast. I hadn’t even registered that I was hungry.

I shook my head. “Not at all. But we’ll need to eat at the other table. It wouldn’t be good if you got a bit of pinkseed in your food by accident. You might be sleeping all day.”

Callum snorted. “Wouldn’t be the first time, though I prefer if alcohol is the cause. I’ll summon some food and be right back.”

I returned to grinding the pinkseed, glad that Callum was here to stop me losing focus again. Kasten needed the best sedative possible to safely transport the halfsouls. I didn’t have time to indulge in self-pity. I had only one week before Kasten would have to return to Adenburg for campaign planning. I would miss him. But I missed him already, even though he was in the same house.

I sighed and shook myself as Callum re-entered with freshly baked bread and a wheel of soft cheese along with a bowl of fruit. “I ended up just collecting something from the kitchens. Smells divine, doesn’t it?” He made a show of sniffing the air above the bread.

I smiled and left the worktable to wash my hands. “It does. Thank you, Callum.”

We settled down to eat.

Callum was studying me between mouthfuls. “Have you spoken to Kasten yet?”

I shook my head. I hadn’t spoken to my husband since the king’s party, although he occupied my thoughts every second of the day. I just couldn’t face him right now. My own feelings were too confused.

He shrugged. “He’s been keeping himself busy preparing for the campaign, but if you wanted to, you know, accidentally run into him, just let me know.”

I concentrated on tearing the soft bread and wiping powdery flour from my lips.

A knock on the door startled me. Nobody else ever came here.

I swallowed down my mouthful. “Yes?”

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