Page 51 of Explosive Prejudice

“What do you say?” he asked.

Honestly, I had no fucking idea what to say. I hadn’t heard a word from their conversation, and I mostly didn’t care. They could expel me. What difference would it make? But then Chief continued to stare at me, and feeling bad enough for making him come here, I didn’t want to disappoint him even further.

“Sure,” I said while rubbing my face and leaning forward. “I’ll do whatever. Can I go now?”

“What’s going on with you?” Chief asked once we were out of the principal’s office.

Not bothering to answer him, I continued to walk until I was out of the building and hit with the cold wind. The sky was gray, and it looked like it would rain soon.

“Hey, I’m talking to you.” Putting his hand on my shoulder, Chief pulled me to stop and face him.

“Nothing.” I took the cigarette tucked behind my ear and put it in my mouth before lighting it.

“Nothing?” he asked, placing his hands on his waist. “Something has been going on with you for the past week. Not only were you hostile toward everyone at home, including breaking the bathroom door because Miles was taking too long, but now you’re nearly killing a kid for shoving you in the hall?”

“Nearly killing?” I snorted. “Let’s not exaggerate. I only knocked some of his teeth out.”

“You think this is funny?”

I bit the inner side of my cheek, trying to calm down because he was getting on my nerves. Not that it was a hard thing to do, especially the last few days when the slightest gust of wind seemed to drive me out of my mind.

“What do you want from me?” I asked after exhaling the smoke out. “I mean it. What the fuck do you want from me?”

His brows knitted closer as his stare hardened. “I’m worried about you, Diesel, and I want to make sure you’re doing alright.”

I kicked some dirt with my shoe, unable to look at him. “Well, I’m not, but it’s not your fucking business, so get off my back.”

He stepped closer. “I’m not going to do that.”

“Well, you should,” I snapped, shoving my finger at his chest. “Because I don’t need you to parent me.”

“Diesel.” He tried to say something, but I’d had enough.

“I’m nineteen. The last thing I need is some righteous guy like you trying to save me so you can redeem yourself from whatever shit you did in your past. You can do that with Andrei or the others, not me. I don’t fucking give a shit.” Moving away from him, I took another drag and allowed the smoke to settle in my lungs before exhaling. God, I was being an ungrateful jerk right now, but it didn’t matter.

“I’m not trying to save you, Diesel, just help. And I don’t do it to make myself feel good. It breaks my heart you’d even think that.” He stopped for a moment and took a deep breath. “Listen, I know starting at this school wasn’t easy for you, but I thought you were doing better. For the past few weeks, you looked happier. Relaxed. I honestly thought you were finally getting to a good place when, all of a sudden, you’re back to where we started.”

“Back to where we started, huh? You mean, back to being a hopeless case?”

“That’s not what I said.” He looked down at his shoes. “I know that you’re angry right now, and I can only imagine what you’re going through.”

But you can’t. You can’t possibly begin to imagine what I’m going through.

“Even though you don’t want it, I’m here to help. Whatever you need, you can talk to me. You can talk to Andrei, Levi, Jessie, Kai. We’re your family, Diesel.”

Rain started to fall down on us, but we didn’t care. There were bigger things than water soaking our clothes or wind blowing in our faces.

“I appreciate what you’ve done for me, but I don’t need it. Not anymore.” I tossed the cig to the ground and stomped on it with my shoe. “I’ll graduate because I respect you, but then I’m gone. I’ll be out of here for good.”

His eyes widened, and he shook his head. “What on earth are you talking about? You think that’s what I want? For you to leave?”

“No.” I shrugged. “But that’s what I want.”

“Diesel.”

I sighed. “Just… Leave me the fuck alone, okay?” I was sure Chief would have continued fighting me on the subject, but I didn’t care to stay and listen. I was done thinking there was any hope left for me and pretending I believed it. One of the things I adored about Llorón was that he made me feel I had a chance to change my future. He had never said a word, but his presence alone was enough to make me feel hopeful, as if my life could change just by being with him.

Now, thinking of him only made me feel desperate.

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