Page 33 of Ballads of Lines Blurred

They both wanted to be with me. I didn’t doubt that. I should have been happy they wanted to get to know each other. What I felt was like I was being left out. That maybe I wasn’t needed. Instead, the two of them were meant to be together. Some of that was my anxiety talking. It liked to get deep into my head and prey on every one of my insecurities. I had a lot of them. From the desire to be useful, to being a good friend, to wanting to make sure I wasn’t a burden on anyone. I also hated feeling like I was being replaced, which wasn’t what this was. At least, I hoped it wasn’t.

My brother sat down beside me on my couch and propped his feet on my leg. Romeo was dancing at the club and Tristan was with Jordan, working his job as a personal stylist for him. I still couldn’t picture sweet Tristan helping mafia boss Jordan find the right colors and fit of his clothes.

Dash wiggled his toes until I shoved him off me. He laughed. “What’s the matter? Don’t like my toes?”

“If you think I want your gross feet in my face, you’re wrong.”

“I’m just trying to lighten the mood.”

“Yeah, well, until I know what’s going on, this is all you’re getting from me.”

He sat forward and put his hand on my shoulder. “Slay, it’s a good thing they went out and that they’re being honest with you. They’re not trying to hide anything or sneak around behind your back. They want you and want to see if it works between them too. If it does, the three of you can be together if they want that.”

“How can I make one of them happy, let alone two?” I didn’t have an issue voicing my fears to my brother. He was one of my best friends. Sure, we got on each other’s nerves, but we were always there for each other.

“If you remember, I didn’t have a clue what to do when I realized I wanted two men. I was winging it, hoping I didn’t fuck shit up along the way. Everything will work out how it’s supposed to.”

“That’s not comforting.”

“I know you want control, but unfortunately, you don’t have it. Focus on what you can control. Here, now, you’re hanging out with your amazing brother. We had a productive day and bonded with Cas and Reed. Not that I think we could bond much more than we already have over the years, but it’s good for us to regroup and spend time together.”

Dash was doing what he did best, focusing on the positive and trying to make me smile, to distract me from what I felt. He was such a good person. How he ended up that way and I walked around in fear all the time was beyond me. I’d give anything to not have this anxiety, although I realized long ago it would not be cured. It was something I had to figure out how to live with.

“Hey, Dash?”

“Yeah.”

“I love and appreciate you. I just want you to know that. I don’t say it enough.” When I felt vulnerable, I got like this, saying more than I normally would if I was doing okay and didn’t have a panic attack bearing down on me. So far it was simmering between the need to curl into a ball and the ability to keep it at a level I could handle.

“I love you too. And you say it plenty. We’re good. No need to confess how much you love your little brother.”

I rolled my eyes. “Today was good.”

“It was. I’m looking forward to getting on the road though. We’ve been home too long. I want to travel.” The tour we had coming up was starting domestic, then we’d have a break before going international. It was going to be long and a lot of work. There were countries we hadn’t been to yet that I was excited to see.

“You’ll have great traveling companions.” Tristan and Romeo would be going with us, as would Elic, Reed and Casper’s partner.

“I’m not going to ditch you, Slay. Never.”

“I know, but it’s understandable to want to spend time with them.”

Everyone would be with who they loved, and I’d be by myself, wondering what the fuck I was doing. I was happy for them, I really was, but it also made me take a hard look at myself and what I wanted. Love hadn’t found me yet. I wanted it. Forcing it wasn’t an option.

Which brought me back to Cody and Milo. They were night and day, yet so perfect in their own ways. I didn’t know how I was going to sleep with Cody while dating Milo. More than that, how the hell would I be able to only sleep with Cody without developing stronger feelings for him? I wasn’t fooling myself by trying to pretend I didn’t crave him already, and not just for his body. There was so much about him that pulled me in and refused to let go. Then there was Milo, who lifted me up when I saw him. He was light and fun and sweet; probably more than he thought he was. There was no choice but to be honest with them. Hurting them would be painful as fuck and something I didn’t want to do, no matter what.

But how did I navigate this? Cody didn’t suddenly age. While Milo said he was open to anything, there had to be a boundary in there.

Cody… God, he was young, so much younger than me. In those years, I’d changed from the time I was his age. He had a lot of life to live before he got to where I was. Yes, he’d been through hell and back. I didn’t discount it. The fact remained he was still nineteen years younger than me.

I was used to fans and the press talking about me. I tried to brush it off like I didn’t give a shit, but I did. Part of me wanted acceptance from everyone, even though it was impossible. If they found out I was dating someone as young as Cody, fuck, they’d come for me. I’d be the headline of all the gossip news. Not only would it send my anxiety into overdrive, but it would fall on Cody too. He could say it didn’t matter. In the end, he didn’t know what it was going to feel like until he had the press at his door, and reporters asking him personal questions about us.

Both he and Milo would have their lives dug into. That was what people did. They’d catch the end of a thread and pull until they unraveled all the gritty details of our lives. Both Cody and Milo would have the deaths of their parents brought up. They’d bring up the club Milo worked at. Cody’s adopted family, which already made the news when Xaiden, Val, and Corbin got together. Once it was out there, there was minimal privacy. People loved a juicy story. We would give them that.

A firm grip on my shoulder pulled me back to my surroundings. “Stop,” Dash said gently. “The people who don’t support you, who don’t love you, they don’t matter. None of them. You do. How you feel. Who you care about.”

“It’s easy for you to say. Those voices of rejection, fear, and criticism don’t sit in your head like they do in mine. Every article, every post, it stays with me.”

“That’s why you need to bow out of social media. Let Flynn’s team handle it. Delete the apps from your phone. Toxicity has no place in your life.” Flynn was our manager and a hell of a great guy.

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