Page 6 of Ballads of Lines Blurred

I didn’t see him at first through the tall sliding glass door. Then a shadow appeared, then a full body. Casper wouldn’t be ignored. He slid the door open and stepped inside. I must have forgotten to lock it earlier when I went outside to sweep the patio. Even if I had, he would have gotten in with his key. The sweeping didn’t need to be done; however, I’d been on a cleaning binge trying to avoid the panic attack. Now I shivered as the TV droned on about some sci-fi stuff. I’d sweat one minute and the next be cold as the panic attack assaulted me from all angles.

Casper stopped in front of the couch, his arms crossed, making his biceps more pronounced while his tattoos stood out in the afternoon light. “You didn’t answer our texts.”

“Didn’t want to.” I knew it was them or my parents. There weren’t many people who texted me because I kept my private life just that. The more people I let in, the more I had to explain myself. How my anxiety would get the best of me, and I became a mess of a human being. How I’d be fine one minute and the next I would fight to breathe.

“Come on,” Casper said and waved his hand at me.

Pushing myself up, I gave him enough space to sit so I could lie back down with my head on his lap. His fingers immediately went to my hair to run through it and soothe some of my anxiety away. A shaky breath left my lips as I settled in, taking comfort in that I wasn’t alone any longer.

Casper had been there for me more times than I could count. He was more than my bandmate and friend. He was a brother, not by blood, but one just the same. One I fought with not too long ago and regretted every word I said.

Casper was in love with his stepbrother, Reed. The thing was, I was in love with Reed for years too. Reed didn’t see me like he did Casper or Elic. Back when they first got together, I said a lot of shit to Casper and Reed when my emotions got the best of me. I thought I broke the band up. Worse, I thought I lost my best friends. Luckily, we fixed things between us. As time went on, my love for Reed became one of friendship and no longer romantic. To see him so happy with Casper and Elic made me happy in return.

What remained was loneliness. We saw each other often enough to work and record. Soon we’d be on tour again, where I’d be with them twenty-four seven.

Then there was Dash, Romeo, and Tristan. I was the odd man out. The only one in the band who hadn’t found love. I’d gone to bars, to clubs, in search of someone to go home with, but it felt empty, so I kept going back to Untouchable. Except the shot I took there died a quick death. I’d given my card to Dexen so he could pass it along to Milo. Had I heard from Milo? Nope.

“What happened?” Casper murmured. He was hands down the toughest in our group. There was another side of him too. Casper was there when my anxiety grew too big, when I felt like the world was crashing down around me. It was why, when I lashed out, I felt even worse. He didn’t deserve my hatred.

“No one wants me,” I whispered. Even saying the words hurt.

“That’s not true.”

“I don’t mean friends, Cas. I gave my number to someone, and they didn’t call.”

His fingers never stopped moving through my hair while we talked. “Did it occur to you they might be intimidated?”

I scoffed.

“I’m serious, Slay. You’re not the guy next door. You’re famous. That can be a lot for someone.”

“So can I. What if he found out about me, about how I am, and it turned him off?”

“It’s a he then.” I didn’t hide I was pan. This was Casper’s way of trying to figure out who I was referring to. “Did you meet him at Untouchable? I haven’t heard you going to many other places.”

“Way to make me sound like a loser.”

“There’s nothing wrong with going there. Hot men on stage who strip? I call it a win.”

“Except one of them is with my brother.”

“Ignore Romeo then. Watch the others.”

I wrapped my arm around his waist, pressing closer, seeking his warmth. At least I’d stopped shaking. There was nothing sexual between Casper and me. This was me wanting a connection with another person who knew me well and didn’t judge.

“I’ve got you,” Casper murmured.

When I was like this, with someone who loved me, I knew nothing would happen to me. It helped ease my anxiety and bring it down to a manageable level. In its wake was the embarrassment of needing another like this. I used to call Casper any time I was shaking and afraid. When I couldn’t stop the fear from ruling my mind, pushing out reason and ensuring only pure terror was left. But I stopped calling and texting him when my anxiety got like it did today. I didn’t want to interrupt his time with Elic and Reed. I guessed it didn’t matter if I reached out or not. Casper came anyway, proving what an amazing friend he was.

My phone started vibrating again. This time it wasn’t a quick burst, which meant it was ringing. Casper shifted like he was going to reach for it.

“Leave it,” I told him. Of course, he didn’t listen.

“I don’t recognize the number and it’s not in your contacts. Hello?” There weren’t many boundaries between the band, especially not when we spent so much time in close quarters. “No, this is Casper. Who’s this?”

I could only hear half of the conversation with the TV still on.

“Milo? The deejay at Untouchable?”

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