Page 16 of Ballads of Lines Blurred

“So, you brought me to East Dremest?”

“That’s where JJ’s shop is.”

“I don’t need to be under a car to work out my frustration. I’m exhausted.”

“Yet you’re not sleeping.”

He had me there. I hadn’t slept well since seeing Slater and Milo at Dexen’s party four days ago. When they were in my room, in my space, their scent remained long after they left. This mixture of sweet and spicy. I could only take it for so long before I had to open the window and stop torturing myself.

Milo said he’d be in touch with me. Before they were even to their car, I got a text, so I had his number too. It was a simple ‘Hi.’ That was the last I’d heard from him. I was guilty as well. I didn’t call or text him. What would I say?

“Fuck,” I bit out as I pinched my finger.

“You’re not paying attention.” Val’s attempt at patience was greater than I expected.

“I know.” Turning, I walked away from the car on the lift and toward the back hallway, placing the wrench on the toolbox as I passed it by.

The back door slammed open like it always did, the spring long gone. I stepped into the night, the sounds of the city surrounding me. People arguing on the block who had their windows open. Noise from a car alarm going off. It wasn’t a bad city, but it wasn’t home anymore either.

I grew up here. Not here, as in JJ’s shop, but in East Dremest. It was where Olivia and I were raised by our parents in a home they rented. A home they had their lives taken in while I watched.

Before I realized what I was doing, I swung and punched the side of a beat-up coupe JJ had in the lot. It’d been here since the first time I was shown around, more rust than it was worth. My hand hurt from the punch, but luckily my knuckles weren’t bleeding. I shook it out, hoping it didn’t bruise badly.

“You know better,” Val said calmly. He leaned against the doorframe to the shop. “You’re angry all the time, Code. Talk to me. What happened?”

Spinning, I yelled, “I’m too young, okay? I thought once I hit twenty, he’d want me. Wrong! He doesn’t. My age is a barrier we can’t get past.”

“Did he say that to you?”

“He pointed out my age and said he wasn’t good enough for me.”

Val sighed. “I’m hearing something different than you did. When Slater saw you watching him with Milo, his entire face fell. You missed it, too focused on him flirting with another guy. It took Milo coaxing him to go after you. Once they were inside, Livy got in their faces. I was tempted to follow them in and do the same, but I hung back, as did Xaiden. Milo and Slater stood in the kitchen for a minute before they went to you. They hugged, nothing more. The next time I saw them, they were walking to their car. A tear ran down Slater’s cheek. I doubt he thought anyone saw them, but I did. He cares about you. If he didn’t, whatever conversation you had wouldn’t have upset him like it did.”

I worked my fingers through my hair, not giving a shit about the grease, and gripped the loose curls. I got them from my mom. My dad used to sit next to her and use his finger to make hers bounce while he watched her with so much love. The kind of love I wanted for me too. “What am I supposed to do?”

“If I had to guess, Slater’s focusing on pushing you away, even if he keeps being reeled in. He’s trying to do what he sees as right. In turn, it’s hurting you and him.”

“What about Milo?”

“I’m not sure how he fits, but it’s clear Slater has feelings for him. You don’t hug someone like that and have it mean nothing. Slater’s got a deep well of emotions. He’s a tortured soul.”

“How do you know?”

“I recognize defeat. When you feel like the world is crumbling around you, like no matter what you do, you can’t reach the surface, you tend to give up. How long did I struggle before Jay found me and gave me a chance? He showed me he cared.” Val always referred to JJ as Jay. They were like brothers without the blood connection.

Releasing my hair, I sat on the ground, planting my ass in the dirt and leaned against the side of the building. “Slater has a lot of people who care about him. I’ve seen him with the band and their partners. I’ve talked to Dash and Romeo. They love him and would do anything for him. He has the world at his feet with the band. There is an endless sea of people he could date.”

“And yet, he came to our house with Milo and followed you into your room.”

“I don’t get it.”

Val crouched in front of me, putting him on my level so he could look into my eyes. The cowlick near his hairline was a little more prominent than usual in his dirty blond hair. “Just because his career is amazing, and he has a solid support system, doesn’t mean he can’t be fucked up in other areas. You confided in us that he battles anxiety. It has to be hell on him, given his job. Can you imagine if every time you left the house, people judged you? They filmed you and picked apart your every move? Your clothes, your hair, even the damn way you walked was under a microscope. And then there’s you, someone who doesn’t give a shit about his life out there, who wants to get to know the real him. Imagine how frightening that could be.”

My head met the rough concrete of the building as I leaned it back and closed my eyes. “I never thought about it that way.”

“Most people only get the surface level of Slater’s life. They don’t want to see the messy shit beneath. That would ruin their fantasy. So, he’s there, pushing you away out of fear of what you’d think of him when you got to the core of who he is. It’s not perfect down there. It isn’t for any of us. We just have to hope one day we find a person or people who will dive deep enough to want to know those parts. Who don’t care what they hold because they love us for who we are.”

“How do I get him to let me in?”

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