Page 88 of The Love Hack

Dear Adam

My fiancée and I have been together for four years. We really love each other and we’re excited about getting married and starting a family. There’s just one problem and I’d like you to tell me how major it is. I don’t earn lots of money – in fact, I earn minimum wage. I’m a teaching assistant in a school for children with special needs and I totally love the work – feeling like I’m making a difference to the kids means the world to me.

The money thing has never been a problem between me and my fianceé, apart from, obviously, that things have been quite tight recently, because she’s been studying full time. But now she’s finished her law degree and she’s got a training contract at a massive firm. I’m proud of her, of course – her career is on a great track and in a few years she’ll be earning good money.

And that’s my problem. I’m worried that when she’s working all day with men in fancy suits driving fancy cars, she’s going to start looking down on me and thinking I’m not pulling my weight financially and I’m somehow less of a man because of it.

What should I do?

Yusuf, Birmingham

‘Do you want the window seat or the middle?’ I asked, hefting my luggage into the overhead locker.

‘Don’t mind.’ Ross slotted his bag in next to mine. They looked good together, I thought – two battered nylon backpacks with no pretensions to style. I imagined them being friends already, looking forward to more adventures together. ‘You choose.’

‘I don’t mind either.’

‘You take the window, then. Window’s best.’

‘If you like it best, you have it.’

‘But I genuinely don’t?—‘

‘Excuse me please,’ snapped a woman behind us. ‘Some of us would like to sit down, even if you don’t.’

Apologising profusely, we slid into our seats, waiting until the woman had disappeared down the aisle before we allowed ourselves to giggle. Somehow, in the commotion, Ross had ended up in the window seat.

‘Why don’t you move to the outside in a bit,’ he said. ‘Then you can move back if there’s someone else in our row, and otherwise we’ll have more room.’

‘But then how will I hold your hand if I get scared?’

‘You don’t get scared on flights, do you?’

‘Not really. Only climbing down ladders in the dark.’

We looked at each other and smiled, already taking pleasure in the shared memory of the first time he’d touched me. I thought of building more memories together, and wondered whether there’s eventually be so many that one would be forgotten. I hoped it wouldn’t.

But the idea gave me a little lurch of fear, as if the plane was already airborne and going through a patch of turbulence. Where was this going? Where would it end? I liked Ross; as far as was possible, I trusted him. But what did I know? He was a man, and I didn’t have a clue about men.

It could all unravel, and I could end up being hurt. And I knew already that the hurt I’d suffered over Kieren would be nothing compared to how I’d feel if things went wrong with Ross, because my hurt then had been largely down to my having been used, made a fool of, let myself imagine something that hadn’t ever really been there.

What was going on with Ross felt real. I felt far more vulnerable than I had with Kieren. I cared; I wanted it to work. And I was scared.

‘What’s wrong?’ he asked. ‘You look like someone just asked you to climb down a ladder in the dark.’

‘I kind of feel that way, to be honest. Like I don’t know what’s at the bottom. You know – with us.’

Was it even okay to talk about ‘us’ already, after just one night together? Was I building up a fantasy relationship the way I had with Kieren, with someone who thought what we’d had together had just been a bit of fun, two people who vaguely liked each other finding themselves together in a foreign city and hooking up?

‘Maybe lose the ladder analogy,’ he suggested. ‘It’s not exactly encouraging, is it?’

‘I mean, worst case scenario at least you find yourself with your feet on the ground,’ I joked.

‘Still, though. I reckon it’s more like climbing a mountain. You don’t know what you’ll see when you get to the top, but there’ll probably be an amazing view, and more places to explore.’

‘To explore together?’

He smiled. ‘I hope so. I don’t want to rush you, Lucy. But we like each other. I think this could be good. I’m – quietly confident.’

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