Page 86 of The Love Hack

‘God, I can smell those doughnuts from here,’ she said. ‘Shall we sit down?’

We had to walk quite a bit further before we found an unoccupied bench on the shady side of the path, and then we sat. I opened the paper bag and held it out to Amelie.

She took out the top doughnut and turned it carefully in her fingers. ‘This one’s chocolate, I think.’

I removed the next one and inspected it. I could see bit of pale green ganache oozing out of one side.

‘I reckon this is matcha.’ I held it out to her.

She hesitated a moment, as if in the grip of some existential conflict. ‘Are you sure you don’t want it? They’re the best by miles.’

‘I got it for you. I’ll like the chocolate better anyway.’

‘I’ll let you have a bite.’

‘What if I think it’s gross? It’d be a waste.’

‘True.’

So we swapped doughnuts. I wasn’t hungry, but I took a bite of mine anyway and its rich sweetness made me instantly forget how unhungry I was and take another bite and another. Amelie tore into hers as if she hadn’t eaten in weeks, which I supposed she hadn’t.

When she’d finished, I said, ‘Vanilla or raspberry next?’

‘Which do you want?’

‘I don’t think I want another. I had a massive breakfast earlier.’

Although her opaque dark glasses were still covering half her face, I could see that Amelie was rolling her eyes.

‘Fine, I’ll take the vanilla. Bet you eat the jam one anyway.’

‘Bet you I don’t.’

‘Bet you d— actually, maybe not. Not with your rational mind and all.’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘You. You wouldn’t stuff a doughnut down your neck if you didn’t actually want it. You’d know that if you did you’d feel sick and hate yourself, so you wouldn’t do it.’

‘Why would I hate myself? It’s just a doughnut.’

‘Because – okay, maybe you wouldn’t hate yourself. But you wouldn’t eat it, because you’d know it wasn’t worth it. Like with Kieren.’

‘What on earth has Kieren got to do with doughnuts?’ I asked, bewildered. Actually, I had no idea what he had to do with anything any more, but there was no stopping Amelie when she went off on one of her tangents.

‘You had that thing with him, and you got hurt, so that was it. No more men. Because you didn’t want to risk it happening again.’

Now didn’t seem like the moment to reveal that risking it happening again was exactly what I’d just done – a leap of faith so breathtakingly thrilling and daunting I still couldn’t quite believe I’d taken it.

‘Whereas I…’ Amelie went on, brushing the last doughnut crumbs off her mouth with her sleeve, ‘I make the same mistakes, over and over.’

‘Do you mean with men or with doughnuts?’ I felt it was important to bring some clarity to this conversation.

‘Both. Luce, I know this sounds pathetic, but being the pretty one hasn’t been easy. Not that you’re not pretty – you’re stunning. But the label. It meant I always thought that was it – that was what I was worth. What I looked like to men.’

‘And whether you could eat doughnuts?’ I asked, floundering.

She burst out laughing. ‘See? Logical. But yes. It’s all part of the same thing. So I tried and tried to find someone who’d think I was good enough for them, and who everyone else would think was good enough for me. And then I found Zack.’

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