Page 64 of The Love Hack

Dear Adam

My girlfriend and I have been dating for two months. I know it’s not long in the scheme of things, and neither of us want to rush into anything until we’ve got to know each other better (she’s 29 and I’m 30). I really like her – she’s beautiful and clever and kind and basically everything I’m looking for in a partner.

There’s just one thing: I’m not sure whether she’s as into me as I’m into her, especially when it comes to sex. We’ve kissed and stuff, but when I suggest taking it further she backs off and says it’s too soon.

Like I said, I’m fine with taking things slow. But does that mean never having a proper sexual relationship with her? Because if so, I’m not sure I can do this, even though I like her so much and can see myself falling for her and even being with her long-term.

I know you’re going to suggest I try talking to her, and of course I’ve done that. But she just kind of shuts down – the only time we come close to having a row is when I attempt these discussions. She accuses me of only wanting her for sex and not being interested in her as a person, and that’s just not true.

Could there be something she’s not telling me, or are we just not compatible? Be honest with me, Adam, I can take it.

Kit, Essex

I read Kit’s letter and then read it again. I knew pretty much what the AI version of Adam would say to him: a carefully considered list of numbered steps recommending communication, other forms of intimacy and the possibility of accepting that the relationship wasn’t meant to be. I suspected I knew what Amelie would say – ‘Maybe he’s just a really crap kisser and she doesn't want to find out he’s a really crap shag as well?’ But I felt so overwhelmed by the sheer number of messages I still needed to respond to that I couldn’t begin to frame a response to any of them. When I poised my fingers over my keyboard to begin typing, they kind of seized up, the way I’d felt one December when I was still working at Fab! and the heating went on the blink and we were all so cold our fingers just wouldn’t move.

It was late, anyway, I told myself – almost nine in the evening. I was back in my Brooklyn AirBnb and, given I’d been up since the early hours of the morning, I was just about ready to go to bed.

The only thing was, after a full day and a half in New York, I was no closer to achieving my goal than I’d been when I arrived. I felt like I should be doing something, planning something, making some sort of progress with my plan to locate Zack and see whether my suspicions about him were correct. If I couldn’t make any progress, I had no idea what I’d do. Give up and go home? Go and see my sister anyway and give her the hug I was longing for? Just get in touch with him and flat-out ask him?

None of those felt like the right thing to do. Perhaps, I thought, if I slept on it, the solution would come to me during the night, the way solutions are meant to but rarely in my experience do.

Oh, and the only other thing was, I really wanted to check in with Ross and tell him how my day had been. But he hadn’t responded to the picture I’d sent him earlier, and it was even later in London now, gone midnight, and he had work the next day so I couldn’t possibly call him now.

Frustrated and indecisive, I snapped my laptop closed and found myself pacing around the tiny apartment. Then I remembered how tired my legs were and the blisters on my heels reminded me of their presence, so I sat down again just as my phone buzzed with an incoming Facetime call.

To my surprise and relief, it was Ross.

The image on my screen was gloomy, so I couldn’t quite make out the background. ‘Hi, Lucy! I wasn’t sure you’d pick up. Hold on.’

I saw the picture move, blurrily, revealing a view of Ross’s denim-clad legs and a patch of wall, and then a light snapped on and I suddenly knew exactly where he was. He angled the phone away from him, and I saw Astro, in his favourite spot on my sofa, his head heavy and his eyes half-closed in sleep.

‘Awww! There he is!’ I cooed delightedly. ‘How’s he doing?’

‘He’s great. I got here about eight and gave him his dinner, and we’ve just been hanging out. I hope you don’t mind me staying so long. I was worried he might be lonely.’

‘No, it’s cool. I appreciate you looking after him so much. Is he okay?’

Ross told me how Astro had eaten his food, then sat on his lap for a bit, then played one of his favourite games. He detailed how much water he’d drunk and assured me that his litter tray had been used, and explained that, judging by the amount of fur on my bed, the cat had spent most of the day asleep. Reassured, I asked him about his day and got an update about the office, and how everyone was managing perfectly okay without me.

Then Ross asked me how New York was, and I launched into a long account of my exploration of the city.

‘Only I’m getting precisely nowhere with stalking Zack,’ I said. ‘I hung out outside his office for ages and I didn’t see him. By the end, it was like all the men coming out of there looked the same; they could’ve all been clones of him. But none of them was actually him. So I’m kind of stuck.’

‘Hmmm.’ Ross leaned back on my sofa, and I saw Astro’s tail move through the picture as he walked over his lap. ‘You know what I’ve noticed about your cat?’

We were meant to be talking about my brother-in-law. But it’s never hard to distract me into talking about Astro instead of… well, practically anything.

‘He’s the cutest and the best cat in the entire world?’

‘I haven’t met all of them. But on the evidence, yeah, I’d say so. But what else?’

‘He’s got exceptionally long whiskers?’

‘He has? Yeah, now you mention it, they are pretty impressive. And?’

‘He’s an incredibly noisy eater. He sounds like someone in the seat behind you on the bus chewing gum.’

Ross laughed. ‘Well I didn’t like to mention it. But there’s another thing – something relevant.’

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