Page 30 of The Love Hack

‘I can’t tell him. Adam’s meant to be a secret. Especially Adam being a woman is meant to be a secret.’

‘I know it is,’ I admitted, ‘although to be honest I’ve never understood why you thought it was such a big deal to keep it quiet. Why wouldn’t the guys who read Max! want to take advice about women from a women? Horse’s mouth, right? But Greg agreed it should only be shared among the core team though, so I just went along with it.’

She looked at me pityingly. ‘Luce, have you ever actually met a man? They don’t listen to their mothers, they don’t listen to their wives. Why the hell would they listen to you?’

I supposed this was a fair point. ‘Okay, fine. But still, there’s no reason for Zack not to know you’re helping me be Adam. He’s your husband, after all.’

Amelie twisted the gold band on her finger. ‘I suppose he is, now. And the thing is, you’re not meant to keep secrets in a marriage.’

‘So tell him. I don’t get it.’

‘Lucy, come on. Okay, I’ll explain like you’re five. Zack wouldn’t want me being involved in sorting out other men’s problems. He’d get jealous. He’d think I was focussing on them when I should be focussing on him. And anyway, I’ll need to spend time with Zack. I’m his wife. I’ll need to meet his work colleagues and his friends and sight-see with him and host dinner parties and stuff.’

‘Dinner parties? I thought you got married, not stepped into a time machine and travelled back to the nineteen fifties. Anyway, you can’t cook.’

‘Exactly. I’m going to have to learn. I won’t have time to do the Adam stuff on the side like we said.’

There was a definite awkwardness in her admission – like she was ashamed, almost, of what she’d said. I wasn’t Zack’s number one fan, but my sister loved him and he seemed to worship her. It was the first inkling I’d had that there might be – not even problems, but imperfections in their relationship. And that wasn’t a subject I wanted to explore – not on her wedding night of all nights.

‘So you’re saying I have to do it on my own?’

She nodded. ‘I’m afraid so. You’ve got this, Luce. You’ll be fine. And if you get stuck, you can ask one of those neck beards you work with to give you a hand.’

Thinking of Ross, I bristled. ‘They’re not neck beards.’

‘I bet they are. I bet they’re?—‘

I could tell she was trying to change the subject, and I wasn’t going to let her. ‘Am, I can’t do it without you. You know I can’t. I don’t understand men.’

Amelie sung the line from The Sound of Music about how I was totally unprepared to face a world of men.

‘Exactly,’ I said. ‘So I can’t do it on my own. You have to help me.’

‘Luce, you’ve got to. You’re smart, you’ll manage it.’

‘But Amelie, I can’t. Seriously. Please don’t abandon me.’

‘Lucy, I forbid you to guilt-trip me on my wedding day. Don’t you care about the happiness of my marriage?’

Guilt-tripping was evidently allowed for one of us, but it wasn’t me. I was about to protest again, when I heard the click of the door unlatching. Zack walked in, his hair standing on end and his tie askew. He smelled of cigar smoke.

When he saw us he stopped dead on the threshold. ‘Am I interrupting something?’

‘Luce was just helping me undo my hair and get out of my dress,’ Amelie said.

‘I’m on my way now,’ I assured him, scrambling to my feet and putting my glass down on the coffee table. ‘I’ll leave you two to your wedding night. And congratulations.’

My brother-in-law and then my sister embraced me, gushing with thanks for the role I’d played in their big day. I said goodnight again and let myself out, and as I left I saw Zack pulling my sister close, kissing her passionately.

‘You’re irresistible in that top,’ I heard him say, as the door thunked closed behind me.

I stood by what I said. I didn’t understand men – not one tiny bit. And now, I was all on own with thousands upon thousands of them and their respective problems, without the secret weapon of my sister to help me.

TWELVE

Dear Adam

So I’ve been dumped. Happens to the best of us, right? Back on the horse, etcetera. But I really thought that this woman was the one. We’d been together for two years. We were talking about moving in together. My parents loved her. I thought her friends and family liked me. And then – bam – she’s off travelling in South East Asia for a year. I suggested going with her but she wasn’t having it. She said we’d grown apart and she wanted to follow her dreams. There’s another man, isn’t there? I think I’ve been played for a fool and I don’t know what to do next. I’m thirty-one and I feel like a lost puppy.

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