Page 23 of The Love Hack

‘Only the ones who’ve spent so much time wanking over porn they need half an hour of death grip to get anywhere.’

‘So I can tell Finn he doesn’t need to worry?’

‘Exactly. So long as he’s not going from first kiss to blowing his load in two minutes, obviously. If he’s making sure his partner has a good time and not being a selfish dick, he’s golden.’

‘Um… gotcha.’ I typed a brief note in the Word document I had open, hoping Amelie hadn’t noticed me blushing.

How on earth, I wondered, was I going to translate her matter-of-fact advice into a reply that would appear online for thousands of men to read? And, worse, for my colleagues at work to read, knowing that I’d written it?

For a moment, my mind veered to Ross. What was he like in bed? Did he last ages, or no time at all? Did he know how to give a partner pleasure? Did he even care, or was he confident that there’d always be girls happy to go to bed with him, and if one didn’t enjoy it, another would be along soon enough?

And then I realised that, whatever answer Adam provided for Finn about what worked for women in bed, Ross would know that I’d written it. He wouldn’t know about Amelie’s involvement – he’d presume that I was speaking from my own experience, about my own preferences. The idea made me die a bit inside.

This was going to be even harder than I’d realised. Even harder than Parker Goldstein’s Duracell-bunny erection.

‘Right,’ Amelie interrupted my thoughts. ‘Who’s next?’

I ran my fingers down my screen, the email subject lines flickering and blurring. There were so many, and I had so little time with my sister.

Randomly, I clicked on an email and started reading.

‘“Dear Adam. I’m twenty-six and just out of a long relationship. I guess it’s so long since I’ve needed to put myself out there I’ve forgotten how it’s done, and I just need to get back in the game. But I’ve got one main question for you. How do you actually know if a woman fancies you? My confidence is at rock-bottom and I don’t want to get knocked back or friend-zoned. Is there any subtle body language I should look out for?”’

Amelie smiled. ‘Oh, the poor flower. He doesn’t want to actually get his big boy pants on and ask – he wants the women to do all the work. Still, he’s all bruised from his long relationship – wonder what happened there? – so we’ll cut him some slack, shall we?’

‘We’d better. If we tell him to grow a pair and Google ‘women’s body language’, Adam will soon be out a job.’

‘Fair enough. So if he were to Google – not that I’m suggesting that, mind – he’d find a whole load of stuff about touching her hair, looking at him sideways from under her eyelashes, leaning in to listen to him, and stuff.’

‘Wait, what? So you’re saying if I want a guy to know I fancy him I basically have to preen and gurn like I’m auditioning for Princess Diana in The Crown?’

‘Don’t be ridic—’ Amelie stopped abruptly, her hazel eyes fixed on me as intently as Astro’s when he wanted a game of pounce. ‘Lucy, are you saying you fancy someone?’

‘No! Of course not. It was just theoretical.’

‘Who is he?’

‘No one. I told you.’

‘And does he fancy you back?’

‘No. I mean, I don’t know. But it doesn’t matter – nothing’s going to happen. I don’t want to date anyone.’

Amelie took a quick breath like she was about to ask another question – or more likely begin a rapid-fire interrogation. But she appeared to change her mind.

‘Okay. Let’s not bother about him, then. Back to our boy with the tender ego. Tell him that when women like a man, they seek him out, try to spend time with him, laugh at his jokes and make jokes of their own. But mostly, tell him that the quickest way to find out if someone’s interested is not to play guessing games, but to crack on and ask. Do you – I mean, do you think he’ll get that?’

‘Uh, yeah. I’m sure he will.’ Partly relieved to have been let off the hook and, perversely, almost disappointed that Amelie hadn’t pressed me on my work crush (even though there was absolutely no way – even if she’d threatened to attack my cuticles with her special clippy tool – I’d have admitted that I felt anything for the man Bryony had spent the night with), I added hastily, ‘Shall we try another?’

‘Hit me with it.’

‘It’s another sex one, I’m afraid.’

‘More the merrier.’

I cleared my throat. ‘“Dear Adam. I’m thirty-four and obviously I’ve been sexually active for almost two decades now. But there’s one thing that’s always bothered me and I think I might not be alone here. You guessed it – the age-old question: Does size actually matter? I like to think I’m average or thereabouts and my partners have never complained, but when I look at some of the dudes in the gym locker room I’m like, woah. And then obviously there’s the guys you see on Pornhub and they’re in a different league entirely. But give it to me straight, Adam – what are the chances I’m under-equipped for the job?

Nathan, Maidenhead

---