Page 7 of Not in a Million Years

Kate: Steady on, we’re definitely not there yet. But I can’t wait to tell Andy. He’ll piss himself laughing.

But when I sent Andy a message to say I’d had the date from hell, and couldn’t wait to reveal all the details, there was no response at all.

Three

By the following Wednesday, when the Girlfriends’ Club met for drinks as usual, there’d still been no response from Andy and I was starting to worry.

Back in the day, when he’d had a drug (and indeed any other substance he could get his hands on) habit that would make Pete Doherty look like a clean-living influencer, it hadn’t been unusual for Andy to go AWOL for days or even weeks at a stretch. I’d worried then too, of course – but equally, I’d realised that there was very little I could do to steer him off his path of self-destruction, apart from be there to pick up the pieces when the inevitable crash occurred.

But Andy had been clean for almost two years now. And not only that, he’d recently been dropping hints that he’d met someone, and that it might be getting serious. Perhaps, I thought, that was it – he was just too loved-up with this Ash fellow to pay any of us any mind.

But that wasn’t like Andy. Not at all. Certainly not like the new, reformed Andy, who was more surgically attached to his phone than he’d ever been and was constantly texting us, his Narcotics Anonymous sponsor, his family and presumably also Ash. Whoever Ash was.

‘Have you tried calling him?’ Abbie asked, once she’d assured us that Matt was well and that Shrimp, their cat, was adorable, and tipped Viognier into our four glasses. ‘Matt has, a few times, but it just went straight to voicemail.’

‘Same,’ I said. ‘Except I couldn’t even leave a message, because it said his mailbox was full.’

‘Really?’ Naomi tore open a packet of crisps and took one. ‘I didn’t know that was even a thing any more. How many messages do you have to have before it shuts down? Literally no one leaves me voice messages except the twins’ nursery and obviously I respond to those right away.’

‘Search me,’ said Rowan, her hazel eyes concerned. ‘At work, Kimberley hits the roof if we don’t return calls within about five minutes so mine never gets anywhere near full.’

‘Maybe like thirty? Forty? Something like that.’ I gulped my wine, anxiety fizzing in my stomach. ‘But Andy’s got loads of friends. He’d only have to be away from his phone for a day or two for that to add up. I’ve tried WhatsApping him as well, and leaving voice notes, but he hasn’t seen any of them.’

‘He’s still up in Manchester, right?’ Naomi asked.

I nodded. ‘Still doing that sales job. He was loving it, and acing it, apparently. And now this thing with Ash has been happening, for about four months now, and it seemed like things were really coming good for him finally.’

‘Has he posted on Insta at all?’ Rowan asked.

‘Not for ages,’ I said. ‘He came off it in a strop because it kept serving him videos of people making cocktails and he said it was too triggering.’

‘Mine’s wall-to-wall ads for plumbing equipment,’ Abbie said. ‘Ever since Matt and I put our new bathroom in. It’s relentless. I mean, how many loo seats does a girl need? And what’s a flange when it’s at home, anyway?’

‘God knows. Sounds anatomical to me. I think my social media feed’s been infected by LinkedIn, because all I get is dead-eyed corporate types spouting motivational nonsense about their five a.m. “power hour” and how they answer emails on their Pelotons.’

‘Cute babies here,’ Naomi said. ‘I mean, come on, I like an adorable kid as much as the next person, but there’s a limit to how much time I can spend scrolling through videos of them gurning away and blowing raspberries.’

‘But anyway,’ I said, catching the eye of our waiter and gesturing towards the almost empty bottle. ‘Andy. None of us have even met this Ash guy, have we?’

Around the table, my friends shook their heads in unison.

‘How about Daniel?’ Abbie asked. ‘He’s always been really close to Andy, ever since they were at uni. Closer than Matt, even.’

‘Search me,’ I said. ‘Daniel might be close to Andy, but he certainly isn’t close to me.’

‘I’ve never understood what went on between you two,’ Naomi said.

‘That’s because it’s a highly complex dynamic,’ I replied seriously.

Naomi raised an eyebrow. ‘Complex how?’

‘Daniel doesn’t like me, and therefore I don’t like him back.’

‘But you used to.’ Rowan leaned across the table and topped up our glasses. ‘You and Andy and Daniel – you were really close, for ages. What happened?’

‘Long story,’ I muttered. ‘Water under the bridge. Took me a while to realise what he’s really like.’

Abbie raised her eyebrows. ‘Okay, you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. But someone needs to call him and ask if he knows what’s going on with Andy.’

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