Page 40 of The Perfect Putt

I heave a sigh and sit in one of the circular chairs I have in the living room. We’ve been friends for over a year, he should know by now that this talk isn’t going to go well.

“Go ahead.” I gesture for him to start. He sits up and looks me in the eyes.

“I’m worried about you,” he begins. “You don’t date unless you’re forced to, you rarely go out, and now there’s this whole thing with Ellie.”

“What thing?”

He gives me an exasperated look. “Miles. You’re one of my closest friends, which is why I can tell you this: you’re being an idiot.” I stiffen in my seat. “Ellie is sweet and fun and somehow puts up with you. She gets along with your friends, and it’s clear she cares about you and you care about her.”

“Because she’s my friend, Shaw. I’m so tired of you making this into something it’s not.”

“Funny, I was just thinking the same thing about you.”

I glare at him. He lifts his hands in a surrender motion.

“I’m not the only one who thinks there are more than friendly feelings going on. Jada, Fitz, Sutton, we all do.”

“Nice to know you’re all talking about me behind my back.”

“Don’t be like that–”

I stand up and shake my head. “No, I’m tired of this. I’ve sat back and let you mess with me, let you dive into this relationship with Sutton and pretend that everything is sunshine and rainbows when we both know it isn’t. You of all people should get where I’m coming from with how your parents are.”

Shaw’s jaw tightens. He stays silent for a moment before speaking again. “First of all, you didn’t let me be with the love of my life. There’s no sense in lashing out at me. I’m trying to help you because I care about you.”

“If you cared about me you’d stop trying to push me into something I don’t want!” I raise my voice, feeling the anger pulsing to the surface. The anger I’ve pushed deep down over the years. “I don’t know how better to explain it to everyone but I don’t want to get married. Love is a game for fools, one where there are no winners. You might be starstruck now, but that feeling fades and you know it. You watched it the same as me growing up. So you can ignore it and pretend it’s all going to be okay, but I won’t. I know the truth and I’m not dragging Ellie–or anyone else–into that mess.”

Shaw looks up at me, a deadly calm over him. “You’re like a brother to me, so I’m not going to punch you for insinuating that Sutton and I will be anything like my parents.”

He stands, and though I can tell he’s angry, he mostly looks…defeated. Worn out.

“I’m sorry,” I say quietly. “I shouldn’t have brought up your parents or Sutton. This is about me. You have to understand that history repeats itself though.”

He sighs. “I am not my father, and you aren’t yours. I don’t know how to help you learn that. Maybe Ellie can; I hope she does for both your sakes. Because you may think that you’re saving her from pain, but you’re not. This is going to turn out worse than the story you’ve made up to justify being scared.”

I wince at his words. Even if I think he’s wrong, it hurts to know that one of my best friends thinks I’m a spineless coward.

“I’m going to bed. From now on, I won’t bring Ellie up again unless you do.”

“Thanks,” I say, feeling numb. He disappears down the hall and I slump onto the chair again. I scrub my face with my hands.

I’ve never fought with Shaw before. Not that this was really a fight. If it was, there would have been punches thrown and bruises acquired. This argument was abnormal for us, and I think that means he really believes what he said. As I comb over the past few weeks, and even dip my toes into the abyss of my past, something begins to grow within me. A soft, light feeling that can only be described as hope. Because Shaw had a worse childhood than me, and yet he fell in love and is getting married. Maybe I’ve been looking at this all wrong?

I push my hands into my hair and tug on the strands. Maybe Shaw is right, but that only partially eases my fears. If I choose to believe him, then there’s still the matter of making sure I don’t end up like my father. And on top of that, there’s a chance Ellie doesn’t want to be with me. She hates my greatest passion, my dream career. We disagree a lot too. There might be physical attraction between us, but if my dad’s rotating lineup of girlfriends can attest to anything, it’s that surface level feelings don’t last.

The little flame of hope inside me starts to flicker and dim. All of this is too complicated. I’ve spent so long avoiding romance and serious relationships that I have no idea what it would look like to be in one. Ellie deserves better than that. So while I’m figuring all of this out, I won’t make any moves. I’ll keep everything friendly. It shouldn’t be that hard. The memory of her curled up in my arms flashes like a warning sign. Okay, it’ll be a little difficult, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. If I can win the Masters, I can restrain myself from Ellie. I’m sure of it.

Miles: I know you probably aren’t up yet, but I wanted to let you know that you can take it easy today.

I step on the airport escalator after pressing send on a text to Ellie. I’m dropping Shaw and Sutton off, and I feel jittery. I drank two Americanos, one at home, and one that I got from Coastal Coffee before getting on the road. This much caffeine is probably terrible before a day of training, but I slept maybe an hour total last night and I needed to drive Shaw and Sutton to Cape Alamanda International.

If I’m honest though, this odd feeling has more to do with the fact that I’ve been trying to figure out a way to tell Shaw I’m sorry and have him believe me. He was quiet the whole drive, which isn’t like him. Sutton was quiet too, so I feel like she either overheard us or he told her before she got in the car this morning. Or everyone is tired. But the air feels too heavy to be just sleep deprivation.

We get to the entrance to security and the awkward tension in the air thickens.

I clear my throat. “Shaw, I know you might not believe me–I wouldn’t if I were you–but I really am sorry. Everything I said was misguided, and I didn’t mean to hurt you. I thought about what you said, and I’m going to keep thinking about it until I can grasp it better.”

A tired but genuine smile stretches across Shaw’s face. He pulls me in for a hug, complete with a few hard back-slaps that I could have done without at six in the morning.

---