Page 50 of When Hearts Collide

I’ve never forgotten him, you know. Him. Ryland. Mom, when does the whirlwind end? When do I stop spinning? Why do I find myself still looking for his tall, dark shadow every time it rains?

Love, Millie

I stuff the letter and pen into my tote on top of the bench in our rooftop garden. The sun is in full blaze today and the air is muggy, even though I’m thirty floors above street level in the trendy SoHo apartment building Belle and I live in.

Wiping the sweat off my forehead with one hand, I pinch my navy NYUC T-shirt with the other and attempt to fan myself. It’s useless against the heat of a New York summer day.

Blowing out a breath, I grab a handful of gummy bears from the open bag in my tote and stuff them into my mouth. I examine the planter full of geraniums in front of me, making sure the soil is evenly spread and sufficiently moist for the colorful blooms of magenta, purple, orange, and red.

It never ceases to amaze me how one type of flower can have so many colors. So vibrant, as if they have personalities of their own.

Mom would’ve loved our rooftop garden.

After I moved back to New York after spending a year at ULA, instead of living in the dormitories on campus at NYUC, I moved in with Belle instead. Her family bought her this beautiful apartment in SoHo, walking distance to shops, restaurants, nightlife, everything my family couldn’t afford until Adrian struck gold in his business. Much to her chagrin, the apartment building doesn’t allow for pets, which is her biggest regret about living in this spectacular space.

I finally told the girls about my relation to the elusive billionaire, Adrian Scott. Between how broken my heart was with the way things ended in Los Angeles and the incessant guilt loitering inside me, I couldn’t keep this from them anymore. Deep down, I hoped they wouldn’t look at me differently, and it turned out I was right. The girls rolled with the news like it was a weather report, making fun of me for being so secretive, then went right on with life. Nothing changed between us and for that, I’m thankful.

The best thing about this apartment building is this glorious rooftop space. Belle’s family paid a premium for the exclusive use of the large rooftop area, which was barren and unassuming when I first moved in. But I saw the potential right away.

And so, I began spending hours cultivating a garden of my dreams, one I knew Mom would love if she were here. Thinking back to Mr. Roberts’s words, this is a way for me to honor her, doing something she would’ve loved to do.

Standing back, I survey the multiple planters—large rectangular ones, smaller square boxes, thin rail planters, all filled to the brim with an assortment of flowers that bloom in the summer—geraniums, lavender, petunias, marigolds, and daylilies. The scent is heavenly, almost enough to cover the city smells of car exhaust from the street far below.

I also planted small trees of various heights and installed wooden trellises now filled to the brim with lush climbing vines. It helps mute the loud ruckus of cars, buses, and pedestrians, the classic New York City soundtrack.

This is my oasis in the city. A place where I can hear myself think. A place where I can get lost in memories of Mom, of the past…

Of him.

When I came back to the city after finishing my sophomore year at ULA, I tried looking Ryland up. I wanted to apologize again. I wanted to make him understand why I had to do what I did, why there was no other choice. I wanted to let him know the situation was like the ethical cases he taught and like the real world, not everything was black and white.

I wanted him to forgive me and look at me with heated passion in his slate eyes once more.

But it was near impossible to access the elusive billionaire, with his security team and the fortress at Fleur’s headquarters or The Orchid.

I could ask Adrian to grant me a guest pass, but then I’d have to tell him, and even though Adrian had mellowed a little because he finally succeeded in getting revenge against our grandfather and he also got back together with the one woman he had never forgotten, Emily, one of Steven Kingsley’s older sisters, there was no way I’d let my overprotective brother know I was half in love with my much older professor.

And so, I’ve been suspended in limbo, waiting for an opportunity, perhaps after my graduation when I’m no longer a college student. When I’ve redeemed myself. When we’re no longer forbidden. But I miss him. Terribly so.

He felt like the warm, comforting sunlight, shining light into the dark corners of my heart. Even though I was pretty sure he couldn’t see that about himself.

He still feels like the only person who has ever truly understood me.

But even as the chasm in my heart widened and darkened last year, my resolve strengthened. I couldn’t let this derail my future, the one he left intact for me when he didn’t report me to the school.

And so, with every waking moment, unless I’m in class or with my girls, I’ve dedicated myself to studying and working hard, hoping one day I’ll be able to see him again and things will be different.

I have many regrets in life, but what I did in LA isn’t one of them. At least Jocelyn is doing well now based on her email to me last week. Her mother passed away shortly after the quarter ended, but what I did saved both the mother and the daughter an additional heartbreak.

I would do the same thing all over again.

My phone beeps from an incoming text.

Belle

Step away from the plants, Millie. Step away.

I wipe the sweat off my forehead with my arm again and bite back a grin.

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