Page 136 of When Hearts Collide

I clasp one trembling hand on top of the other and look at him and Dad, who is sitting silently in the armchair near us, his head hung low.

I’ve disappointed them.

A weight settles on my chest. It’s the feeling I’ve tried to avoid for so long because I want everyone around me to be happy.

But then I think of what I told Ryland when he confessed about his guilt toward Maxwell. I told him the people who loved us would want us to be happy.

And I realize I’ve been preaching something I don’t practice, and I’m the worst culprit out of everyone.

The heaviness increases, smothering my lungs. I want to deflect, to paste on a fake smile, to do everything I used to do, so I can see the smiles of relief on the faces of my loved ones.

But I won’t hide anymore. Perhaps the whirlwind is over between Ryland and me, but I’ll live. I’ll survive and be stronger. A fucking damn fighter.

And I’ll be honest for once.

“And frankly, I’ve gotten used to holding in everything for most of my life. I couldn’t tell you or Dad because I couldn’t stand to see either of you being worried about me!” The words rush out from my lips, smashing open the box holding all my secrets inside for so long.

My nose crinkles and my voice is hoarse, but I continue, “After Mom died, neither of you have been the same, and I don’t expect you to be.”

I look at the kind man who has tried his damned best to raise us as a single father while navigating an unfathomable loss. “Dad, you were buried in your cups for those first few years and Adrian and I were worried sick about you. We lost one parent, and we couldn’t lose you too. So, I had to be good. I had to be happy. I had to come home and tell you only the good things and never the bad.”

Dad’s eyes shine with tears and his lips tremble. I want to take back the things I’m saying because I know they’re hurtful, but I persist.

“And then one day you started getting out of bed earlier. You ate breakfast with me. Sometimes, you’d take me to the park. I’d hear your laughter. And I knew I needed to do whatever I could to keep that smile on your face. Don’t you see? I couldn’t tell you anything! I was so afraid you’d slip back and be depressed again.”

Swiveling my head toward Adrian, I choke out the next words. “And Adrian, you were so angry at the world. You couldn’t see the beauty of anything around you. You only saw darkness. You were driven by the need to take revenge against our grandfather for abandoning Mom, leaving her with no means to get the proper health care. And you had broken up with Emily at that point and were just in such a dark spiral.”

I let out a ragged sigh. “You couldn’t even help yourself. How could you help me? A little girl so much younger than you, someone who needed her mom as well! And now, you’ve finally found your happily-ever-after with Emily.”

Placing my hands on his, I say, “I’ve never seen you so happy before. The light in your eyes. Your smile. I love you, brother, and I never want you to feel guilty about the past because you didn’t cause it. It was just a tragedy. A shitty game of dominos. You’ve been through enough. You’ve taken care of us the best you could. I don’t see the need to burden you anymore with things you can’t change.”

The room is silent, and the mahogany grandfather clock, still marred by the long scratch I carved into the wood accidentally as a ten-year-old, ticks loudly in the corner.

I blow my nose in a tissue and turn toward them again.

“I know now I should’ve told you guys because we’re a family and families support each other. I’m sorry.”

Adrian growls and crushes me to him. His voice is rough as he rasps, “No, I’m the one who should be sorry.”

He exhales. “I’m so sorry, Millie. So sorry you had to deal with everything alone because you thought we weren’t strong enough to handle it. I should’ve done more. I should’ve gotten my head unstuck from the sand and looked at you. I should’ve noticed.”

His eyes are glassy as he swipes a tear from my cheek. “From now on, promise me, if you encounter problems—work, academics, men,” he scoffs at the last one, “you come to me, okay? I promise you, I’ll listen. You never have to hide from me.”

“Francine would be so proud of you, little Millie,” Dad says, his eyes red. “Your strength, your positivity, your fearlessness are all from her.”

He walks over and wraps us both in a hug. “I love you so much, and like your brother said, I’m so sorry for neglecting your feelings for so long. I should’ve done better and I need to do better. Please forgive me.” He presses a kiss on my temple.

I let out a wobbly smile and stare at the two men I love. The two men I know will always be on my side, no matter what.

Perhaps romantic love won’t work out, perhaps the whirlwind has ended, but true family will always stay with you.

That night, in the peaceful quiet of my childhood bedroom, I sit on top of my twin bed and stare at the dark skies outside the window. There’s a blanket of smog in the air tonight, hiding the stars behind an inky backdrop.

I wonder what he’s doing right now.

A fresh torrent of blood seeps out from the open wound in my heart, a wound I suspect will never be healed.

Placing a sheet of stationery on top of my hardcover copy of Wuthering Heights, I stare at the floral design with a tiny yellow bird perched on a branch. I uncap my pen and write.

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