Page 120 of When Hearts Ignite

I’m afraid, whatever this is, it’ll end us.

A suffocating weight sits on my chest, a burning behind my eyes, and I feel like I’m already mourning a devastating loss, but I don’t know what it is, or what the cause of death is.

If I get to relive the last day before Mom’s life was cut short by an intoxicated driver, I’d want to bask in her warmth, whisper how much I love her over and over again until she believes it to the marrow in her bones, so she’d fall asleep with a smile on her face.

The same feeling courses through me in this aching silence with our fingers intertwined. If this is the day before the loss, then every minute, every second of this day would be emblazoned in my mind forever. Every touch, smell, sound, and sensation would reappear in my mind during my waking hours and flutter across my dreams as I remember and mourn, wishing I could relive this day and say the words that are unsaid, to minimize my regrets.

Anger has receded into a dark corner in my mind now. My mind senses I’m standing at the edge of the cliff, my fingers gripping Steven’s as he hangs on the precipice. But my hand is growing sweaty, my muscles are aching, the fibers tearing, and he’s slowly slipping away.

The last grains of an hourglass.

And so, I’d live as if I’d already lost—a day of no regrets.

Bringing his hand up to my lips, I whisper, “I love you, Steven. I’m not giving up on us. Whatever you think has happened isn’t as bad as you think it is. We can overcome this. But I want you to know I love you so, so much. No matter what happens, I want you to carry my heart with you always. And when you lie asleep in the middle of the night because a thunderstorm is raging outside, take my heart out and know my love will be with you always. Never forget that.”

His body shakes as he tightens his grip on mine. A choked gasp, but he remains silent.

Minutes later, he’s unlocking the door to his penthouse on the Upper West Side. He hasn’t been to The Orchid as much in the recent weeks. I wonder if he was usually there previously because he was lonely.

He quietly leads me up to the solarium, which is darker than the last time I was here, when we made love as if we were among the stars in the galaxy.

Raindrops patter against the glass as the storm slowly unleashes its power. The world blurs around us as we’re cloaked in our shelter from the elements.

He pulls me to a loveseat and hauls me on top of him.

Steven’s eyes are intense swirls of darkness as they travel over my face, his fingers skimming over my eyelids, my nose, my cheeks, as if memorizing me by touch.

“I don’t know how I could’ve forgotten,” he whispers. “Your eyes…I should’ve known.”

He heaves out a breath as he touches me, as he loves me with his caresses. “If I were him, I’d give my hug to you too. I’d love you. How could I not?”

His words make no sense, but something nags at me, like some truth is just out of my reach.

“I’m a vile man and I don’t deserve you. If I got to do this all again, I’d stay away and let you live your life without me. Unsullied. But I’m selfish.”

“No, don’t say these things, Steven.” I press my finger on his lips.

He kisses the tip, his tongue flicking out and swirling on it, sending a thousand pinpricks of sensations through me.

“My father once told me emotions are liabilities, and don’t fall in love because when a woman leaves you, she’d inevitably take a piece of you with her, and you’d never get it back and you’d be bereft the rest of your life,” he whispers ardently as he cradles my face with his hands.

“If I knew you’d leave this unscathed, I wouldn’t regret a thing. Because I’d rather feel my heart break knowing I had your love at one time, knowing I was worthy of it. Even if you took a piece of me with you, I’d be comforted because I knew it’d be in your tender, loving care, that even though the rest of me were broken, bereft, and languishing away,” he swallows, his voice thick, “one tiny piece of me would always be happy.”

Wetness gathers in his eyes as he chokes on his words, and I swallow, trembling, my eyes clouding over with tears as well.

“I love you, Grace Felicity Peyton. More than you could possibly understand.”

My eyes well with tears as I reach up and press my lips to his.

The raindrops fall harder, a pounding rumble against the glass, and nature rears its ugly head, blurring the windows in a swath of water, cloaking us in this one tender moment of intimacy, of privacy.

He freezes, his body falling still. I press harder, wanting to imprint ourselves onto each other’s souls. My hands trail to his chest and try to unbutton his shirt.

With an anguished grunt, he pushes me away and instead wraps his arms tightly around me, burying his face in my hair.

“I love you,” he gasps, “I just need you in my arms for tonight.” His words are strained and hoarse. Thick with secrets.

He pulls me up and clasps my body to his. I can hear the steady thudding of his heartbeat as he sways in place with me.

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