Page 16 of Dare to be Different

I’m not typically the type of person to get affected by anything, especially my own mind. I have a feeling I’m just comparing myself to my brothers. They’re all starting to settle down, and I’m nowhere near close to being ready for that. Do I want it someday? Sure. But I have no clue what that even looks like for me, so maybe the fear of not knowing is what’s putting me off.

Can I settle down with one person? Do I want something like Cody and Cara have? I think I’m leaning more towards something like that, but again, I don’t know how to go about finding it or if I’m even ready to start looking for it. How do I take their advice and start looking for that one person I want involved in all my life’s adventures? That one person I always want around, living life alongside me, up for all the explorations and uncertainties as long as we always have each other? Does a person like that exist for me?

Who the hell will be able to handle the jumble of my messed up mind?

I’m a lot to handle, I know that. Only Remy and my family members have stuck it out thus far, and I’ve always been content with that. I’ve never really needed anyone else as a constant in life because I have them. But now that I’m watching everyone get into relationships, I’m thinking about it, and I’m overthinking about it. Because not only am I a lot to handle, but so is my family and their voyeuristic ways. But what I might want is a complicated equation that won’t be cool with a lot of people. And it’s not like I have any one specific person in mind for myself. I don’t have a dream person or a list of traits I want someone to have. My mind is always changing. Like I said, I enjoy variety.

“Hey, Zahn.”

Wrapped up in my own shit, I look up to see Laken walking up the front steps. She sits down with me, lighting a smoke. I turn down her offer for one.

“Thought you were staying at Gar’s?”

She shrugs. “Yeah, well, only Gar can pick up at a wildlife rehabilitation center. I left him to his own fun for the night.”

Damn, jealous of whoever he picked up. “You and Gar ever…?”

“Nope.”

“Hmm,” I muse, honestly surprised by that. “I figured you might have when you were traveling together for a few months. You’re pretty open-minded, so I assumed you could keep a friendship even after sex.”

“Never wanted to cross that line with him.” She shrugs. “Both of us, actually. I’m all for being open with him about anything, but there are some limits we don’t want to cross. He’s my best friend, and neither one of us needs to be looking at the other like that. Keeps us safe and happy.”

“Me and Rem fuck around all the time. Not with each other, but in the same place.” I shrug. “He’s still my best friend.”

“Would you fuck him?” she asks, laughing. “Because that’s basically what you’re asking me.”

Not the best time to be asking me that question. “I’m open too, I guess.” I grin at her.

“I know.” She leans back and smokes. Unattractive habit, but we all have our vices, I guess. She isn’t even looking at me, but the way she said it makes me feel like she really does know. Like she gets me. Understands me without pressure to explain it. No wonder everyone always goes to her with their shit. She’s comfortable. Maybe it’s my turn to confide in her.

“You think it’s possible for someone to settle down with one person even though they want everything else to change constantly?” I ask, probably not very clearly.

“In what way?” Laken asks.

I explain Cara and Cody’s relationship and tell her I might want something like that, but I’ve never met someone who makes me want more with them.

Laken takes her time thinking about it, then asks, “Do you believe in the romantic notion of love? Like the romance, the sappy love stories, the ‘in love’ feeling?”

I lean back and try to decide how I feel about it. “I mean, yeah. I guess I believe in it because I see you guys like that. I see the people around me in love, so it makes me believe in it. Mom and Dad are the picture of that definition.”

She nods to agree, but waits for me to finish with the second part of my answer like she knows it’s coming.

“But I don’t know if I believe in it for myself, you know? Maybe, but I’m not really looking for that. I don’t even know if I want that shit. Or need it. You know?” I look at her.

She nods again. “What about connection, though? Take romance right out of it. Someone who you relate to, love being around, connect with, trust, and confide in. Someone you want to spend a ton of time with, and whenever you’re with them, you feel complete, at ease, and whole, even without the romance part. Do you believe in that?”

“With family, yeah. Friends.”

“Maybe that’s the kind of connection you’re looking for.” She puts her smoke out and leans forward, talking to the snow instead of me. “Maybe you need to stop trying so hard to be like everyone else and find what suits you.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. Only you can figure that out. Love looks different for everyone, and it feels different to everyone. There’s no one way to love someone. Just because most of the world is monogamous doesn’t mean you have to be. And just because most people look for their ‘happily ever after’ doesn’t mean you have to chase the same thing. You’re allowed to flip the script and search for whatever you want, even if you don’t know what it is yet. You’ve never been the same as everyone else, so why does it surprise you that you have a different outlook on love, too?” She shrugs. “What do you want, Zahn?”

Okay, feeling less pathetic about this conversation now. She’s definitely the go-to person for a reason. She’s a mini-mom.

“I guess I want, like… a bond with someone. Understanding and acceptance. A connection that’s deep but isn’t solely focused on that romantic kind of love. I like love, but it doesn’t have to be all romantic, right? I want variety and excitement, and I want …”

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