Page 84 of Dare to be Different

I nod, following her to the table. It’s in the far corner of this rustic coffee place, dimly lit because it’s a cloudy day outside. I love the vibe of this place, but I resent how expensive the coffee is. I take a sip and inwardly curse. Shit, that’s good. No wonder it costs so much.

“What’s up?” I ask, sliding into the booth.

“Cami told me everything,” Sarah says, sighing.

My eyes fall to the table and my heart sinks. It’s not my fault, but I still feel like a dick about it. “I’m sorry. If we knew, we wouldn’t have…” We’re assholes, but not the home-wrecking type.

“Oh, this is on her. Not you guys.” Sarah offers me a little smile. “She’s been lying to me for years about her sexuality. I knew it, but I thought it was because she needed time to come out about it, so I gave her that time. But now that the truth is out there, well, I’m the one who feels guilty!”

I scoff. “Why?”

“Because she felt like she couldn’t be honest with me.”

I want to call this reverse psychology, but I don’t want to make Sarah feel worse. If Cami lied, that’s on her, not Sarah. Cami fucked up, and when she got caught, she immediately turned around and blamed it on her comfort levels with her girlfriend. Sketchy.

I clench my jaw and refrain from speaking my mind. I suck at girl talk unless it’s with Genevieve or Maeve.

“And now I’m comparing our relationship to yours.”

“Ours?” I tilt my head.

“Well, you and Remy—Zahn, sorry—are clearly together, and you bring in other people, right? So, maybe that’s something I need to open up to in order to please Cami.”

I lean back against the wooden booth, trying to understand what she’s telling me. Love is weird and makes us do things we normally wouldn’t, but we still have to have boundaries and respect for ourselves.

“Would you want that? For you, I mean.”

Sarah tucks her blond hair behind her ear. “For Cami. So I thought that maybe since you two have already… that we could try…”

“Fuck no,” I bark out a laugh. “No. Not happening. Ever.” When she cringes, I reach across the table and grab her hand. “Not because of you. Because of so many things that would make it horrible. For one, you’re giving her an out and letting her blame you for this. Don’t do that. She fucked up. Not you. But mostly, we learned a few things about ourselves that night. We used to like to share, but… not so much anymore. And if it’s not something you want to do, you shouldn’t suggest it to her.”

She softens up a bit, nodding. “So you and him are together?”

“Yeah,” I admit for the first time, smiling like a dork about it. “We are. It’s a… relatively new dynamic. We’re in a… sometimes open-door policy type of relationship.” I laugh because that probably doesn’t make sense to anyone but us. “I guess. Something like that.”

“You guess?” Sarah laughs. “Explain it.”

I barely know this woman, but she’s clearly struggling with her own relationship, and I’m still getting used to mine, so maybe this coffee booth confessional is an alright place to talk about it.

“He’s been my best friend my whole life. Then we started some sort of sex pact where we hookup together. Not with each other, but at the same places. Then everything morphed into touching and wanting, and now he’s… mine in a whole new way. I mean, I’ve always loved him, but it’s changing now. It’s scary and exciting. But the best part is that we can be honest about shit. Zahn has always fucked around a lot, and it probably took a lot of balls for him to admit to me that he doesn’t want that anymore.”

“Cami was my friend first, too,” Sarah says. “I guess we’re on the opposite end of the spectrum. I’m guessing she wants to open things up.”

“Don’t do it if you’re hesitant. It’s not all hot sex and fun times. It hurts when your feelings are involved.” That’s really all the advice I can give her on that. “You’re going to forgive her?”

“I’ve already forgiven her. Sexualities are weird, and sometimes they aren’t easy to talk about. I want to try moving forward, but to be honest, I don’t know if I’ll ever trust her again.” She shrugs. “But that’s not your fault. I just wanted to clear the air because I saw how guilty you guys looked that day we ran into you. This isn’t your fault.” She lets go of my hand and runs her fingers through her hair. “And sorry for throwing out that weird ask! I knew you’d say no, and I’m kind of relieved you did.”

I have no idea what the point of this conversation is other than her gaining a bit of ease from it, but it’s doing something different for me. It’s solidifying the fact that I want something new with Zahn. Our hookup game got us here, and a bunch of blurred lines pushed us past our hesitations, but they made us open up. Made us admit we want things we never even considered wanting. And knowing all that, looking back on the way we got here, I’m feeling pretty fucking confident in where we’re going.

Zahn wants something monogamous with a chance of flavor on the side. Never, in all the time I’ve known him, did I think he’d settle down. I’ve been feeling almost guilty for changing him, but looking at Sarah and realizing she’s willing to change for Cami reassures me that it’s okay to change. It’s okay to want something different when you find that person who is worth changing for. The change doesn’t feel forced. It’s not something to feel guilty about. It’s exciting because something is finally tugging you in a different direction, throwing your life into chaos that doesn’t feel daunting, but exciting and hopeful instead.

I get an itch to go see him. My phone has been ringing in my pocket for the past ten minutes, and now that I’m having this realization, I’m eager to pull it out and see if it’s him.

“Sarah, I think I have to go.” I drain my coffee and glare at the empty cup for not magically refilling. I’m way too cheap to order another one. “I… just have to go.” I laugh. “Whatever you decide to do about your relationship, just make sure you’re doing it for you, too. It’s not all compromise, okay?”

Sarah smiles at me. “Thanks for taking the time to talk with me. Hope to run into ya again.” She stands up to give me a hug, feeling my phone vibrate. “Go.” She shoves me away with a smile.

Zahn’s name flashes across the screen when I pull my phone out, but it disappears as the call ends. I climb into my truck right as it starts up again.

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