Page 66 of Dare to be Different

“Here.” Mom walks out and hands me a mug of coffee. I snatch it from her hand like a complete asshole. “Vent.”

I always thought I’d be able to resist her deep chats, but here I am, ready to spew all my fucking feelings at her like she’s going to make them better.

“He’s flying today!” I shout, worked up and antsy. “He’s going up in that fucking plane, and my chest feels weird and my mind is a mess, and my mind is never a mess! My hands are all tingly, and I don’t know what it means.” I take a gulp and curse at Karma for the burn of the hot liquid. “He’s flying today!”

“And he’s an excellent pilot,” Mom reminds me.

“I know he is,” I snap at her. I’m taking my fears out on her in the form of anger, but she doesn’t seem ready to leave just yet. “But I don’t like it. It’s too soon for him to go back.”

“For him or for you?” she asks. “Are you worrying for him, or are you being selfish and worrying about how it will affect you?”

“Why can’t it be both?” I glare at her like this is somehow her fault.

“It can be both,” she says. How does she remain so calm while we’re all being dicks? She knows it isn’t aimed at her, but still, she doesn’t deserve it. “But you have to be there for him first and foremost, which means you need to set your fears aside.”

I keep pacing with my coffee. “I asked that asshole a million times if he was scared, and he keeps saying he’s not.” Remy needs to get his head out of his ass. Anyone would be at least a little intimidated going back up in the air after a wreck.

“Then believe him,” Mom says. “And be there for him if he changes his mind.”

Word vomit. Here it comes, since the coffee is too hot to shut me up.

“He fucking crashed, Mom! He crashed in the middle of nowhere and was stranded there for three days while I sat around and tried not to believe he was gone.”

“Imagine how he felt.” She levels me with that truth.

“He’s… flying today, Mom. He’s flying. By himself. In the same kind of plane. With the same cargo. On the same route.”

“And?” she urges.

“And I’m fucking terrified.” I sigh. That’s the truth. I’m the one who’s terrified because I… he’s my Remy and I can’t lose him.

“Of what, exactly?” she asks.

“Of losing him.”

“So, what does that tell you?”

I scoff. “That he’s never allowed to fly again because I can’t handle it.”

“Try again.” She smirks.

“That he’s a fucking twat who needs to be more considerate of my feelings.”

“One more time.” Mom laughs.

“That I love that asshole and it scares the shit out of me.” There. “But I’ve always loved him, so why does it feel different now?”

Mom sips her coffee while she formulates an answer. “Well, for starters, because he got in an accident, and that naturally causes a little more trepidation. And on top of that, your love for him is changing, Zahn. He means something more to you than a best friend, and you don’t know how to feel about it.”

“I’m not in love with him.”

“I never said you were. Describe it to me, baby.” She gives me her undivided attention.

I don’t know how to describe it, but I’ll try. “It’s not all romantic and shit, you know? Like, I don’t want to go on dates and sprinkle fucking rose petals around the bed. But more like I want him in my life forever. By my side, doing shit the same way we’ve always done it, but with… more added on top. I want him in my corner, and I want to always be in his.”

Mom smiles but doesn’t say anything because she knows I’m not done.

“I think I want him to love me in a new way, but I don’t know if it’s that in-love thing. Maybe it is. I wouldn’t fucking know. I just want to know that no matter what happens in life, we’ve always got each other’s backs. Him and I stay solid, but variety can still come in the form of… sex, I guess. Maybe. Now I’m getting jealous of my own thoughts. Jesus fuck.” I groan. “Yeah, maybe I don’t want anyone else touching him unless I’m there. I just… want him and need him and feel differently about him than I do with anyone else.”

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