Page 59 of Dare to be Different

Kolt and Bass ain’t got nothing on me and Rem.

Fuck, best workout ever. Love that my brothers are always good for a mood booster and to help me get out of my web of tangled feelings.

I get in from an overnight flight at six in the morning, and of course, my early-rising mother—who passed that gene on to me—is sitting on the front deck, wrapped in a blanket with a cigarette burning between her fingers. Just as I walk up the steps, Laken comes out in her winter coat, carrying two coffees.

“Ladies,” I greet them both with a smile and turn down Laken’s coffee offer. I need to sleep, and caffeine makes me wired. I reach for Mom’s cigarettes instead, but she smacks my hand away and hides them in her pocket.

When I pout, she throws them at me and calls me a twat. “What’s got you smoking, baby?”

I glance at Laken, who already knows, but she just smiles. She won’t tell my secrets, even to my mom, until I give her the go-ahead. Well, right now might be the time. I light one of these vile things, hoping the answers will come as the paper turns to ash, and sit my ass in a rocking chair.

“You think it’s possible to not even have a sexuality, but instead, you just want one person because of who they are rather than what they are?” I ask.

“You?” Mom calls me out. “Mr. Variety? The one who says he won’t settle because monogamy is an archaic notion that we conform to only because we think we have to?”

Goddamn her for never letting me get away with shit. I laugh, owning it. “I don’t mean sexually. I mean, yeah, a little sexually. I still want some variety in my fucks.” I think. Right? “But not with anything else. To just be close to one person who I experience it all with, you know? Not focusing on their gender or anything like that because it’s just… the two of us together that makes the whole thing feel better than anything else.” Am I even making sense? Probably not. I suck at verbalizing my mind’s veering thoughts. “Is that shit possible?”

“Anything is possible.” Mom leans back in her chair, looking out at the resort. “Connection is connection.”

Laken nods at my cigarette, reminding me that I have one. I grin at her, and she encourages me to keep talking.

“Best friends fall in love all the time, right? That happens. There’s a fucking boatload of movies and books about it.”

“It does,” Mom says, looking at me now. “You saying you’re in love with your best friend?”

“No,” I scoff. “I wouldn’t know what love was if it fucked me in the ass.”

“Mhm.” Mom shakes her head at me.

“But I’ve got something going on with him. Lakes told me that not everyone is looking for romantic love. That I can look for a bond or a connection, like you said, and that’s enough. More than enough. That I can want that instead of the lovey-dovey shit.”

Mom smiles at Laken, silently thanking her for being available to chat that night Remy and I called her after the blowjob confession.

“Want my two cents?” she asks.

I groan. “You’re going to give it to me anyway, devil woman.” When she shuts up after that with that motherly look on her face like she knows something I don’t, I relent. “Fucking fix me, Mom.”

“You ain’t broken, baby. But you and Remy have a bond that has spanned your lifetime. You’ve literally been through everything together and you haven’t broken. Trust that. Trust that whatever is happening between the two of you right now, you can get through it together, too. Respect your friendship, but learn together. Let it happen however it is meant to happen and stop worrying so much about relationships and sexualities. It’s you and Rem. It always has been. Things are just morphing now.” She smiles at me. “And come to me when you eventually freak out about it.” She laughs, standing to kiss the top of my head.

“I won’t freak out!”

She rips the un-smoked cigarette out of my grip. “And stop trying to be like Jed and Kade. Those smoking dipshits will die sooner than you. Sorry, Lakes, but so will you.” Mom grins at her.

Laken hasn’t had a smoke yet this morning since she’s trying to quit, but I’ve seen her sneaking them here and there.

“Really? That’s all the wisdom I get? You fixed Four, and Laken’s boyfriends! What about me?”

“I trust you in Remy’s hands,” Mom says, heading inside and ending the conversation before I really get the chance to vent. Maybe she knows my thoughts aren’t clear enough to properly shout about them yet. Guess I’m not mature enough to get her tough love speech. Smartass woman.

Laken and I sit in silence for a bit, watching the harbor and the guests start to wake at the resort. The weather is calm and cold, but it’s the perfect temperature for sitting under the shelter of the front porch, stewing in thoughts that don’t feel so confusing anymore. Mom trusts me in Remy’s hands, which means I need to be trustworthy to have Remy in my hands, too.

“Hey, Lakes?” I ask, relaxed. “You know what else there are a lot of movies about?”

She laughs, already knowing what I’m going to say. “Oh, here we go.”

“My brother’s girl is a hot movie trope.” I stand and grab her hand, ready to lead her inside for breakfast. “I’m just saying. We can still make this happen. You keep shutting me down and I’ll have to start working on Genevieve.”

Laken’s smile is beautiful. “I’ve already lived that movie once,” she says, fighting me through the front door. “But maybe the sequel will be better.”

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