Page 25 of Dare to be Different

But I can narrow it down even more for myself. It’s him. Something about having Zahn there for most of my sexual experiences just feels right. I love that he makes me comfortable, and I revel in the way he isn’t afraid of anything. He makes me bold. He makes me comfortable enough to try anything and everything and to admit when I like or don’t like something. Zahn takes the pressure off all our situations just by being himself, and I’m starting to worry I’ve become too dependent on him.

To look over and watch a girl writhing in pleasure that he’s giving her… shit, it’s so hot. Am I enthralled with him because I want to be more like him? Do I idolize him? I mean, he has no shame, no self-doubt, no limits, and no reservations, so to watch him work and see how he responds to a situation and makes it his own is like watching magic happen.

What happens when our arrangement ends?

Because Zahn makes me shameless. He makes me brave. He brings me out of my comfort zone and somehow makes it comfortable. Is that why I enjoy having him there so much? Because he makes me better?

And I’m not going to lie, this new openness about him intrigues me. I’m curious about how his mind works and what it might feel like to drop all preconceived reservations and just fucking go with it like he does. The other night, I watched a guy give him a blowjob and a handjob, and I found myself wondering what his dick might feel like in my hand. Why had I never considered sex with a man? Or, at the very least, fooling around with one? Was it because my parents raised me to be hetero and never question it?

Thank you, Zahn, for always making me question everything and not feel stupid about it.

But the part I shouldn’t admit is that my mind is only going there with him. Again, he’s my comfort zone, so if I’m gonna find out what a dick feels like in my hand, my mind wants it to be his dick first. I trust him, and he trusts me, so it seems like it’d be a good starting point. But what sort of situations are too much for our friendship? Maybe that’s what I need to learn first.

Because while I’m looking at Zahn the same way I always have, I’m also sexualizing him a little. I think he’d be cool with it, but I don’t know for sure yet.

To me, he’s smart, sexy-and-he-knows-it, cocky, sex-driven, and loyal to a fault. He’s brave, bold, funny, and wild. He’s sensitive without knowing he’s sensitive, and he’s the one and only person I never get tired of being around. But now he’s also appearing a little more ‘sexy-and-I-know-it’ too. Like I’m looking at him as a sexual partner. Maybe not mine, but the one who is going to be my partner in crime.

I associate sex with Zahn now.

I feed off him, and he feeds off me. Our connection, even though it isn’t physical, has become my favorite part of sex lately, and I don’t know if I’m supposed to feel that way. How deep does our bond run, and will we be able to let it go when the time comes?

Or, worse, what if it shifts? Will it morph from watching to touching? I mean, it already has a little. My dick has touched his dick, and it’s twitching in my jeans now at the memory of it.

All I know is that things are changing. I don’t know if he’s changing, I’m changing, or if we’re changing together, but the prospect of what’s to come is more exciting than it is scary. So I’m gonna roll with that for now.

Zahn doesn’t have limits. Time for me to find out what mine are.

Chapter 11

Cara and Cody invited such a random mix of people to this sex toy party, but I have to admit, it’s really damn fun. It takes a special kind of person to travel around to different homes and parties to demonstrate sex toys while making it fun and comfortable. And this woman is fucking nailing it. If people were born to do certain jobs, this is hers.

She’s a heavier-set middle-aged woman with one of those loud, raspy voices and the kind of laugh that makes everyone else start laughing. She’s cracking jokes, being appropriately inappropriate, putting everyone at ease, and selling the shit out of her display case. I mean, she’s got toys, dildos, battery-powered everything, lubes, and fancy condoms. She’s recreating sex positions with dildos as her props, and she’s walking around the room with vibrators pressed to our skin so we can feel them. She even got us to taste all the different flavored lubes by licking them off each other.

I’m fucking here for it.

There are about twenty-five people here, a mix of men, women, queens dressed in drag, and sexualities. Whoever they are, I’m getting the vibe that they either live the same relationship lifestyle as Cara and Cody, or they’re singles who are open to it and have experience with one another. Remy and I are the outcasts, but after the first few minutes, we fit right in.

Remy is pretty drunk by the time half the people leave with their new purchases, and it’s been nice to see him get tipsy and carefree. He was all over the tasting, flirting with the saleslady with no shame, and when she flirted back, it was clear she’d be the dominant one. I enjoyed the mental image it gave me.

This one chick has been all over him tonight. Climbing on his lap, flirting openly and suggestively, touching him every chance she gets, and setting the tone for the afterparty. She is one hundred percent down to fuck him, and if my read is right, he’s pretty down for it, too. I’m watching them from across the room, and every time his eyes come back to me, he gives me a sexy little grin and blinks those big blue eyes at me. Such a tease.

There are about six of us left; Remy and I, Cara and Cody, and another couple. We’re all sitting around, laughing and shooting the shit.

“You staying the whole weekend?” Cara climbs onto the couch next to me with a seductive grin.

Hadn’t planned on it. “Do you want us to?” My eyes blur a bit. Apparently I’m drunker than I thought I was. Better slow down for a bit.

“Of course,” Cara says. “Cody would love it.”

“Hmmm.” I like Cody, but shit, my mind isn’t on him right now. It’s on Remy, and it has no right being there.

“Cody likes how open you are,” Cara tells me, sliding her hand up my thigh. “Is Remy as open as you are? He looks more comfortable since the last time we saw you guys.”

Remy’s business isn’t mine to tell. “He’s comfortable,” I say, avoiding the rest. I don’t want to say he isn’t ‘something,’ but his sexuality isn’t for her to know without him here. I fucking hate labels, anyway. I’m not pansexual or bisexual, I don't think. I'm just sexual in general.

“Is he as flexible as you?” Cara asks.

“He’s as wild as I am, so that’s for him to decide.” I smile at her, but my eyes shift to Remy across the room. The remaining two chicks, one of which is the one who has been all over him tonight, are all up in his space and Rem is loving it.

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