Page 18 of Double Dare

There have been a lot of times in my life when I’ve wondered what’s wrong with me. Never have those times felt like this.

I think back on how hard I fought to get Laken back after I fucked everything up and let her get away, and I wonder why I’m not fighting harder to keep her all to myself. Does it even matter if I know she’ll always be mine, even if our dynamic shifts to include Kade? I mean, I’m never letting her go, so there’s that, but why the hell aren’t I fighting Kade on this?

I’m overthinking everything and driving myself insane.

Without even meaning to, I vented to Gen about it when I picked her up from the hospital after her shift. After telling me I might need stitches in my eyebrow again, she asked me what was wrong, and fucking words were coming out of my mouth.

When she asked me what happened, I told her Kade happened. I didn't know if that made sense to her or not, but she nodded like it did. I guess she was there that night in the truck, so she got to see firsthand how things had progressed, and thankfully, she was too polite to be a judgy fuck about it. Then she thought better of it and got guilty, asking me if I was mad she had kissed Lakes.

I laughed at that, telling her I thought it was hot.

But then I was telling her about my insecurities and the fact that they came more from feeling like I wasn’t trying hard enough to fight for Laken rather than from letting someone else in. What I hadn’t expected was for her to put it into perspective for me. This prim, conservatively raised, uptight little southerner who still didn’t drop the F-bomb opened my eyes.

“You don’t have to fight for her because you already have her. The risk of losing her isn’t there. It’s the risk of change that scares you.” That’s what she had said, and that’s what’s going through my head right now.

After Kade left the basement last night, everything was normal. I still had awesome sex with Lakes, and our connection and chemistry were still there. Every touch was hypnotic. Every kiss was electric. Every moan was real, and every bit of eye contact was deep and desired. We’ve always had that undeniable attraction, even though I denied it when I got scared in the beginning, and after a year, it’s still there.

Gen’s right. I’m not afraid of losing her, so I don’t feel like I have to fight to keep her. Maybe what I’m doing is fighting for her. Fighting for her to trust her instincts and go after what she wants, even if it’s uncomfortable. But mostly, I’m fighting myself.

Who the actual fuck gets in a three-person relationship with their brother? That’s the part tripping me up. Can we date the same girl without freaking out about it?

Last night, Laken told me I had the power to end this thing before it went even further. She told me that she loved me, would always love me, and never wanted to let me go.

“Jedrek Dare, I love you with everything that I am, and none of this will ever change that. The dynamic might change, but our love will never change.”

That’s what she had said to me, and honestly, it meant the world. We had a conversation about this thing being an experiment. Kade might change his mind and not want to go after her once he realized what it was like to be with someone who was also with someone else. She said I might come to that realization, too. Or that she might.

When she asked me if it was something I wanted to try, I couldn’t say no. Because that’s the fucked up part! I want it. I don’t even know why I want it, but I do. I want to be with Laken, but the thought of her with Kade makes me happy too. Resentfully. Maybe.

So for now, in my head at least, it’s a sex thing. It’s all about fucking. We’ll keep it sexy and I’ll try not to think about the feelings part. Obviously, Kade is already in love with her, and I know Laken feels something for him, so I’m not dumb enough to think feelings won’t be involved. But for now, I’m focusing on one part and one part only. The sex.

Maybe this whole thing will get awkward as fuck and we’ll all back out. Maybe it’ll be hot as fuck and I’ll never be able to go back to not having him there with her. Maybe it could work and maybe it won’t. We’ll see, I guess.

I’ve already decided one thing, though. I’m not changing who I am just because he’s there. I’ll still be the same, in love, sex-crazy, caveman I’ve always been. I won’t sugarcoat shit or try to hide my affection to spare his feelings. I won’t pussyfoot around, trying to be considerate about him and his broken heart. Not my thing. I’m not going to give a shit that it’s on the down low and he can’t kiss her in front of the family. I still will. I’m not going to stop.

I will touch her, have her, taste her, kiss her, and grab her whenever I fucking want. Even if it hurts him. She’s still mine, and I’m not backing off. That might be the only thing I know for sure.

I light a smoke and park at the head of the docks, waiting for Kade. Zahn and Rem are flying out tonight, and Kade was helping them with something, so I said I’d grab him on my way home from the gym. I’m in Four’s truck, and we have to pick him up next. He already dropped Gen off at home with Lakes.

He climbs in and steals a cigarette, not saying anything.

“Did you grab Laken’s phone from the house?” I ask him. She called from Gen’s phone to say she forgot it at Mom and Dad’s.

“Yeah. Dom texted her again. He asked for more clothes. What the fuck is going on with him?” Kade asks.

I don't know, and I hate not knowing. “He won’t pick up my calls. Just shoots me a short text after saying he can’t talk. It’s all short bullshit. He’s hiding something.”

“Yeah, he’s being a sketchy fuck,” Kade agrees. “Why’d he tell Bossy, though?”

“Who?” Four asks, hopping in as soon as I pull over for him. “Dom?”

“Yeah.”

“Because she’s an angel,” Four says from the backseat. “Everyone trusts Lake.”

“Well, whatever the fuck is going on with him, he better be alright. I’ll kick his ass if he’s not,” I say, meaning it. We’re a tight family, and secrets aren’t our thing. If he needs help, he should fucking come to us. No questions asked. I don’t care if he murdered someone, I’d be there to take the body to the wolves, and I’d pour us each a whiskey as we watched them devour it.

We speculate for the rest of the drive, and by the time we park in the laneway, truck shut off and the cabin lit up, we all just sit there, watching them through the window. Maeve, Gen and Lakes are all sitting on the floor, laughing, drinking and picking at some food.

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