Page 22 of Scores Of The Heart

But I’m not one for wanting to drag my past along with me into the future. My upbringing alone has been difficult in places. Especially after the whole Damon debacle.

My mom’s response to it still shocks me to the core. It seemed like Damon couldn’t do anything wrong in her eyes, even boning Jessica Plath practically in front of me.

The whole thing left an imprint, one I don’t wish to dwell on. When you’ve had your life mapped out for you from a young age, and you’ve grown up with the boy you thought you were meant to be with, it sure rips you to pieces to find out it meant nothing to him.

I’ve shied away from opening my heart ever since. Sure, I’ve moved on from it, but the sting remains. That kind of betrayal at such a young age isn’t something you just get over. The whole thing got even messier as time went on.

When he finally realized I wasn’t going to take him back, he had the gall to ask me if he could see other people until I decided enough time had passed for us to get back together. He was still under some illusion, probably hosted by his parents, since Sheila and Graeme were avid church goers who thought their little angel couldn’t do any wrong. That we were still going to make it.

I couldn’t imagine anything worse than taking him back. It still sickens me.

To top everything off, months later he started seeing Jessica again, and they didn’t even hide the fact anymore. His parents swept it under the carpet, and her parents weren’t much better, burying their heads in the sand.

A few months later, my dad came home and announced his new job opportunity in Seattle.

I was so damned happy to be leaving. To get away from the mess and start somewhere fresh was like music to my ears. Even if it was at the back end of my senior high school year, I didn’t care.

And while I’ve dated over the years here and there, nothing became serious.

I’ve only ever been with one guy, and that wasn’t until college. His name was Joel, and we dated for a year. He ended up wanting to move closer to his parents because he was homesick at the time. I thought things were pretty serious, but when it came to the crunch, there was no mention of me going with him. And a part of me knew things were fizzling out.

Since then I haven’t met anyone I’ve had a connection with.

I guess a part of me still nurses the wounds over Damon, even if it’s long in the past. It’s not like I ever wanted to get back with him, but the hurt remains when I think of it from time to time.

I’d known him my whole life, and he was set to be my husband. But look how that went.

And while I don’t like to tar all men with the same brush, it was a heavy shock to the system, and one I’ve struggled with.

I crave to have closeness with a partner. I’ve wanted it for a long time now.

And I know unless I put myself out there, it’s not going to happen.

I’m like a closed book when it comes to men. Being attacked on campus sure didn’t help matters in the trust department.

But lately, since I’ve noticed Tyler, my body has been humming to its own silky rhythm. It’s like I have no control over it. I could feel how wet he made me just from that sexy, dark look of his. I love how he looks a little on the dangerous side, and the tattoos. It’s all a total turn on.

While I’m not very experienced in anything sexual, I do have a magic bullet for reprieve. Something I was embarrassed about even contemplating a couple of years back, but one day Susie, Emmerson and I all went into Barbarella’s as a joke, sort of. They both slipped a hot pink rechargeable bullet through the check out for me.

That’s the only orgasm I’ve ever known. Pretty sad, really, but it is what it is.

I’m not ashamed of it. I just didn’t think at twenty-seven it would be like this. And if I do meet Mr. Wonderful, how the heck am I going to explain my lack of know-how.

Most guys want a girl with experience, right?

“So, are you going to give it a chance?” Andrea gives me a nudge, knocking me out of my daydream.

“It’s early days,” I say, waving it off, walking back to my desk. “I’ll gauge it. If he shows more interest, then maybe.”

“You hot dog!” Simon claps his hands together. “I bet he’s packing a big stiffy under that uniform for you.”

“All ready for you,” Andrea chortles.

I try to ignore them and pull my glasses down from the top of my head and flop down into my chair. All this Tyler talk is getting me hot under the collar. But maybe they have a point. Not about his big stiffy, but dating in general.

It’s definitely time.

“You two better stop it,” I warn. “Or there will be no Friday night margaritas this week.”

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