Page 93 of Goodbye Note

“Try to explain. If you’re not bisexual, you’re not bisexual.” He scooted back a few inches, and it felt like a mile.

“It’s not that.” I lifted a hand to reach out for him or drag him closer, but I stopped mid-movement and dropped my hand. “I don’t know what I am.”

“You’re giving pretty mixed messages. You seem into it and then you don’t. It’s like you go ice cold.”

“I don’t think that’s fair.”

“Then explain it to me. Because I’m starting to think you’re just making out with me… Never mind. Just explain.”

“No, what were you going to say?”I asked.

“Because you’re lonely and you don’t want to lose my friendship. I feel like an idiot.” Varian shifted, moving further back.

I grabbed his arm, not letting him get out of the bunk. I couldn’t take this to the open space, to places we’d be in front of the rest of them. “It’s not that.”

He glanced between my hand and my face. “Then explain. Now.”

“I don’t really know how to explain it. Or even think about it with myself.” I could tell I was losing him, so I forced out words faster. “I do think some guys are hot. I’m into you. Kissing you. I promise.” I dragged my teeth over my lower lip, choosing my wording carefully. “It’s below the belt I don’t know if I can get on board with.”

“So you’re attracted to men physically?” He seemed to ignore my last statement, which I was okay with.

“I guess so. Humans are art, and who doesn’t like looking at art?”

“You feel like bodies are art?” Varian seemed amused by my answers, which was much better than the look he’d had in his eyes before.

“I do. I think we are built to be looked at, and even straight people can admire their own sex.” It felt like we were getting deep into the philosophy of sexuality now, and either I was too stoned for it or the right amount.

“I don’t think many straight people would agree with you. I think that’s something bisexuals do. Have you ever thought you were bi?” His words came with care, and I could tell he’d thought about how he put it.

I lifted one shoulder, trying to embrace the high and be honest—if not for him, then for myself. “I never thought about it that hard. It was easy with girls. There aren’t that many guys I’m into.” Only a handful I’d been really attracted to over the years.

But anyone would have been attracted to them. Varian was one of the hottest guys on the planet. I think any guy would admit that.

“You know it’s a spectrum, right? Maybe you’re only a little bisexual.”

“Okay, maybe I’m just bisexual above the belt.” I tried to laugh it off, but he didn’t find it funny.

Varian blinked. “Bisexual above the waist?”

“Maybe. It’s the dick thing that throws me off.” I shifted, not looking at him, remembering the heat in my body when he’d pressed his hips forward.

“Have you ever kissed a guy before me?”

“No,” I answered honestly.

“Not even just to try it?” Varian asked, but not in a pushy way. I could tell he was curious.

“No, I told you. There were only a few people who were that attractive. It’s not like those guys are waiting around wanting to make out with me.” I tried to laugh it off.

“You’re a rock star. I’m sure a couple of them at least would be.”

“Barely. We’re only just getting big.” I turned to look at him, unable to stop myself. “If they are even into guys.”

He held my gaze, trailing his fingers up my forearm. “Tell me one of them.”

“Ryan Reynolds.”

“That’s cheating. I think everyone would fuck him.” Varian rolled his eyes, acting annoyed, but his fingers said otherwise. They circled my elbow, raising goosebumps on my arm. “Give me someone else.”

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