Page 64 of Goodbye Note

“I do. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t also have its downfalls.” He rummaged around, getting dressed too.

I kept my back to him, not willing to make it weirder. “Maybe I should hook up with someone. Like, reset myself after Nicole…”

“Maybe you should.”

I don’t know why his words hurt so much.

NINETEEN

VARIAN

Why the fuck had I told Arik he should hook up with someone else? I spent the rest of the day on edge. Every time someone looked at him, I wanted to fight them. I knew this wasn’t healthy, but how the fuck do you tell yourself to back off when someone is everything that makes you happy?

I was the dopamine fiend, after all.

But now I carried a gut filled with dread that I’d walk into something I’d rather not. We didn’t really connect after our set, and I ended up on my own bus for the next few days. We’d barely spent any time together last night, and I couldn’t help but wonder whether it was because he went to find someone to fuck.

I needed to sleep but every hour that passed pressed in, the humidity making it impossible, and by the time we stopped for gas my shirt clung when I stepped out of the bus.

“You want anything?” I asked my brother.

“I’ll go with you. I could use a drink or something.”

I glanced over at him as we walked side-by-side into the massive truck stop. We garnered a few looks, but no one stopped us. Because of who our parents were and growing up in the spotlight of tabloids, we got recognized more than we should for our band’s popularity.

I stopped on the way to the drink coolers in the back, brightly colored stars making me smile. I took them off the hook and caught up with my brother.

“What’s that?” he nodded at the little package. “Glow stars?”

“I thought Arik would like them.”

“That why he named his band Second Star? He got a big thing for them?”

“I don’t know what the name means, or even if he even came up with it. I’ve never asked him about it. But his last name means evening star, and he’s like starlight.”

Vallen lifted a brow, opening the glass case. “Have you told him how you feel?”

“What do you mean?” I hedged, grabbing an energy drink to avoid looking him in the eyes. I held the can to my head, craving the cool even in the air-conditioned store.

He side-eyed me as we walked to the register. “Don’t bullshit me. I see the stars in your eyes.”

I held up my middle finger. “I’ll take it since I see the universe in his.”

“Goddamn, you are down bad.”

“Are you two…” the cashier began. He was some eighteen-something kid.

Vallen grinned, holding out a twenty. “Depends on who you think we are.”

“Dopamine-Fiend, right? Your music is pretty good. My gran really likes your dad’s music. She was shocked when I told her I listen to his kids.”

I cringed, but Vallen had no visible reaction. “That’s us.”

Half the time, I thought it was the scar on my face, but it grounded me to see Vallen getting as many double-takes as me. I hated that my trauma was so public. I hated that I couldn’t condemn my father publicly without disparaging my dead mother. I hated that I had to look in the mirror and be reminded the person I only wanted love from cared more about drugs than my well-being. That one hurt the worst.

Maybe that’s why time with Arik felt so good.

Like one person put me first. Cared about my feelings above his own.

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