Page 54 of Goodbye Note

“Don’t.” He grabbed my shirt at the shoulder.“Would you...” He trailed off.

“What?” I asked.

He shook his head. “Never mind.”

“No, tell me. What do you need?” I whispered, not sure why I kept my voice so low.

He fought it for a moment and then lifted his face. “It’s stupid, and it would be weird to ask. I’ll be fine.”

“Just ask. What’s the worst I’m going to say? No? I’m your best friend.” It was a bit manipulative to use that, but I wanted to know what he needed. He had no idea I’d do anything for him.

“It’s stupid on a bus and doesn’t really work. I didn’t think it through.” He chewed the inside of his cheek, slumped against the wall like his legs would give out any second.

I hadn’t noticed how drained he was.

“What doesn’t work on a bus? I have no clue what you’re talking about.”

“I don’t want to be alone tonight, but it’s not really doable with bunks. Someone’s in the back lounge, and I don’t exactly want to hang out in there with sex musk. It’s stupid.”

I lifted a brow, not sure what I wasn’t understanding. “Do the other guys not ride the bus?”

“I told you it’s stupid I feel this way. Please forget it. I feel like a moron.” His hold on me loosened, and he stiffened in my grasp.

I was losing him. I had to figure out what he meant and fast. The best and worst part about Arik’s cryptic as fuck lyric-writing brain is when he was feeling emo, all his damn sentences came out like this. “It’s isolating because you are all in little pods with masks and ear plugs in?”

“I know it’s dumb. It’s lonely. I need to get a sex doll to sleep with or something, so I don’t feel so alone, and I can be embarrassing in private.” He changed from putty in my arms to steel.

“It’s not stupid. I feel alone a lot when we are traveling for days like that. And everyone is so burned out from shows and extrovert-ing onstage, we don’t even talk to each other. It’s also just isolating being on tour. Especially when none of us are seeing anyone, so we don’t even have someone to text or come see us. There is very little connection. It gets exhausting.” I stepped in closer, not brave enough to press my body to his, but wanting him to feel like he wasn’t alone.

His expression changed from an attempt to act nonchalant to a deep seriousness in his dark eyes and pulled brows. Like he was trying to figure out whether I was serious and we had the same experience. “You really feel that way?”

“I do. I get it.” I resisted the urge to stroke his face and ease the lines of tension there. I hated how hard it was for Arik to open up.

“But the bunks aren’t even a twin-sized mattress. So it’s not like anything can be done about it.”

“You never double-bunked with someone, like, in college? It can be done either laying opposite ways or if someone sleeps with their back against the wall.” I laughed, making it seem like it wasn’t a big deal, but inside I was dying for him to want me to spend the night with him in the tiny space. I could play a straight guy. “Clearly you’ve never been so drunk you’d sleep anywhere.”

“You wouldn’t mind?”

“I’d like it,” I said, looking into his eyes so he could see my truth.

“Will you stay tonight?”

My heart stopped.

Did I dare, or would this be the way I ruined our friendship?

SIXTEEN

ARIK

Silence stiffened between us.

Had he not heard me?

Was he trying to come up with an excuse to leave?

I started to shut down. Why the fuck had I said anything at all? I knew it made me weak to need these things no one else seemed to need. Every other guy in however many bands did this. Most of them didn’t bring a girlfriend with them. Why the fuck was my mental health so dependent on touch?

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