Page 36 of Goodbye Note

“You know why.” As much as I’d wanted to get away from caring what anyone thought, I couldn’t break free from it. I’d merely shifted caring about what our dad thought to our grandparents. “I want them to see me as not him.”

“They do.”

“Or maybe I want everyone to not see me as him.” I slumped back in my seat, returning to looking for a movie in the hard drive of those we’d downloaded before we left, but my phone buzzed, and I snatched it off the table.

Arik: You here yet?

Varian: No. Six more hours.

Arik: Shit. What am I going to do for six hours?

Arik: Guess I’ll find some trouble to get into.

I squeezed my phone as a wave of jealousy hit me. Trouble usually meant finding groupies or drugs or both. I typed a message and erased it.

“Arik?” Vallen asked.

I looked up from my phone to make sure Fox and Bronx hadn’t joined us. “Yes.”

“You tell him yet?” Vallen’s words made me stop typing.

“Tell him what?”

“That you like guys.”

“Why would that matter?” I asked, like his question was an affront.

Val searched my face. “Because he’s straight?”

“I don’t know if he is. He was with that chick for a long time ’til she cheated on him, but that doesn’t mean anything. Might have never tried it.” I held up my hand, knowing what my brother would say. “People can be bisexual and have a girlfriend.”

“That isn’t what I was going to say.”

“Out with it, then.” I waved at him to continue.

“You’re going to get hurt.”

“Will you please just support me being friends with him? You are the one who told me it was good to have friends in the industry since they are the only ones who will ever understand our life.” I turned my back, needing something to do with my hands.

“Because I know you. I’ve seen you like this. I saw the way you looked at him that night.”

“There is nothing I can do about my feelings. I admit that. But I’m not going to jump him. I can have a crush and still be friends. I’m not the first person in the universe to have a crush on a friend.”

Varian: Don’t get into too much trouble. I need you ready.

Arik: Ready for what?

Shit. I hadn’t thought that through.

Varian: To celebrate your first national tour.

Arik: I promise to save my energy just for you.

Fuuuck. I shouldn’t get half hard reading a damn message.

“Is that why you like Arik so much?”

“What?” I asked, not sure what he was talking about.

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