Page 228 of Goodbye Note

“Why would he be kidding? He probably thinks we both love him still, even after refusing to see him.” Vallen dropped his head back. “I can’t do it.”

Varian was still flipping through the notes. “This is wild. The crap this man believed about himself. I really don’t want to say any of this.”

My heart sank. If it all fell on Varian, he’d be a wreck. But with how bad Vallen looked, Varian would never make him.

“You know you don’t have to, right? You can tell his estate no, that you won’t be going.”

Varian contemplated. “You think?”

“What are they going to do?”

“PR thinks it would be really bad if you don’t go and say something. They said it would make both of you look awful not to go to his funeral,”John said, like a wet blanket.

“Fuck my life.” Varian pushed his palms into his eyes. “What day were they thinking?”

“Six days from now,” John replied.

“We have to cancel more shows, too?” Varian shook his head. “That bastard will find a way to be a pain in my ass, even in death.”

After they left and we got Nova in bed, I made us both some tea. Varian laid his head on my shoulder when I sat next to him.

“I’m worried about my brother.” Varian exhaled heavily. “This funeral business is going to make him relapse.”

“What can we do?” I asked.

“I don’t know. I know I can’t make him speak. But even showing up is going to be a lot.”

I pulled his legs over mine. “Maybe canceling more dates isn’t bad. Does he need to be in treatment?”

“That might be a good idea. I’ll talk to him tomorrow.” Varian fell into silence again.

“Why are you going to act?” I said to him at length.

“What do you mean?” Varian asked.

“Why show up to your father’s funeral and act? They want you to play a part, but you have no fucking obligation to. They asked you to talk about your dad, so tell the world who he really was.”

“I like that idea.”

PART 5

EPILOGUE

I’ve loved you in every season of our lives.

SIXTY-THREE

ARIK

We strutted into that church dressed to the nines and looking as queer as possible. We turned a lot of heads.

I sat in the first row with Vallen, Nova, and Lindsay. We all wore bright colors. Nova even sported pink cowboy boots. This was a country music funeral, after all. Dressing brightly had been Varian’s idea. He didn’t want to act like he was publicly mourning at any point, even if he was privately.

Vallen got onboard. He didn’t want to speak, but he felt better dressing up like we were, knowing what Varian was going to say.

I fully supported it, and we’d put his stylist on it.

Varian adjusted the mic, clearing his throat. “My dad, being the person he was, planned this whole event. He even sent me a whole list of things he wanted Vallen and I to say about him.” He paused for dramatic effect. “I won’t be doing that.”

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