Page 183 of Goodbye Note

“Because I know what it was the whole time, and it’s pathetic to see you still hung up about a guy who isn’t even gay so he couldn’t be that into you.”

“You can’t have it both ways. Either the song is about me or he’s straight.” I’d lost all my fucks. “You don’t know that’s about me, and even if it is, artists pull from every part of their experience. He’s just using things he’s felt. That doesn’t mean he still has feelings.”

She scoffed, dismissing it, but I’d known her a long time, and I knew what that look meant.

“Then why does my fucking reaction mean something?”

“Because you were in love with him, and your reaction fucking shows you care. It shows you’ve carried those feelings this entire time.”

“I’m not allowed to be upset someone is still using what we had to drag me?” I asked.

“Can’t have it both ways, Varian. Either it’s fucking about our wedding, or you’re upset over nothing,” she shot at me with a smirk like she’d won.

“I don’t know what it’s about. I don’t know him anymore.” But I knew. Deep down, I knew.

“Maybe you’re upset because you wished it meant more.” She huffed and walked out of the room.

I grabbed a vase off the mantel and threw it against the wall. It shattered, spraying glass everywhere, but that didn’t stop my mood. I picked up every single glass trinket some designer had put in the room, chucking each one against the floor.

Left in a room of shattered things, I still felt like the most broken among them.

Vallen came back from somewhere while I sat in the wreckage.

“I thought you left.”

“I didn’t want you to be alone when Lindsay got the last word.” He sat down and put his arm around me.

I turned into him as tears streamed down my face.

“You can’t destroy everything in sight because he released another album,” he said some time later.

“This is my fucking process,” I said, pulling at my hair.

“If it bothers you this much, why don’t you talk to him?” Vallen asked. “The album isn’t out yet.”

“And what? Tell him I made a fucking mistake walking away and every fucking year after that? Have you read his lyrics? He fucking hates me, and he has every right to.” As he so eloquently put it, I turned my back on our once-in-a-lifetime.

“I don’t think that. I don’t think he hates you. I don’t think he’d keep writing songs about you if he hated you. This isn’t hate.”

“I don’t know what you’re hearing, but it sounds like I’m the last person on the planet he wants to talk to.” I went to make myself a drink. Sober wasn’t going to cut it today.

“You don’t write like this for hate. Maybe you should clear the air. Make yourself feel better before we go on tour with them.”

“He made it clear when I got married that he would never speak to me again.”

“So let’s go show up at his secret show tonight and force it. He’s got to interact with you if we are on a fucking tour together. Break the ice.” Vallen found an unbroken glass and filled it.

“You want me to see him before our midnight release party?” I asked.

“Better in semiprivate before you have to act friendly.” Vallen held up his drink.

“What is that for?” I asked, picking up my glass.

“Down it, and let’s go.”

“I’m going to need a whole lot more alcohol than that to do this.”

FIFTY-ONE

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