Page 161 of Goodbye Note

Piece of Shit: Are you a queer?

I turned my phone around to show Arik. “I guess this means there are photos of us, or he’s gotten served some Varik content.”

“I mean, if he’s getting Varik content, then that says a lot more about what media he’s telling the algorithm than it says about us.”

All I could do was laugh. “His face when we do come out.”

“Can we tell him in person? Or can you film it?”

I wrinkled my nose. “Tempting, but I don’t want to be in the same room with him.” My phone buzzed again. “He’s really got a fucking stick up his ass about this.”

Piece of Shit: What the fuck is this?

Piece of Shit: Why the fuck would a son of mine think this shit is okay?

Piece of Shit calling.

Piece of Shit: Answer your fucking phone.

Piece of Shit calling.

I turned off my phone. I didn’t have the capacity to deal with him.

“I’m way more of a dick than you. I’d just reply, sucking dick is way better than dealing with you.” Arik laughed and brushed his lips over mine, going back to the massive spreadsheet he’d made with both our lives on it.

“I’m not going to tell him even when I come out.”

“Never?”

I shook my head. “No. He doesn’t deserve to hear it from me. He can read about it from TMZ because that’s all of my life he’s entitled to.”

“You’re right. Don’t give him anything more.” Arik had been trying to find days to match up. “It’s going to be months before we can see each other again. Every time I’m off, you’re impossible to get to, and vice versa. So if we can’t be seen in public together, it makes this fucking impossible.”

“Maybe life just has us on different paths.”

“I can’t accept that,” Arik put his face into my neck and shook. “We have to figure something out.”

I held him so fucking tight, not knowing when I’d be able to again. “I don’t know how to fix it. I feel like we are both trying so hard and failing. I feel like I’m always failing us. I read your journal, and I never know what’s going on with you.”

“I feel the same. I call and call and message and always just miss you.”

“I’m sorry. I wish I could change it.”

“We have no other choice. I have to come out.”

“We can talk about it,” I said, mouth dry with the lie.

I didn’t know how to do what I knew I had to.

“I’m going to call Vallen to give him a heads up about our dad’s shit while you cook.”

“Okay, my love.”

I stepped outside.

“Hey, everything okay?” Vallen asked when he answered.

“Dad has seen something.”

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